Punch (45.1863)

52

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 22, 1863.


MISTAKES BY MEN OF LETTERS.

“ Mr. Puucu,

“ Let me beg you to direct persons who send
Money Orders, and Postmasters who take them, to attend
to orthography and pronunciation.

“ I lately received a Post-Office Order, wherein I was
misnamed a man of three letters. Suppose, for instance,
my name to have been spelt Fun, whereas it is Furgh.
I dared not sign it with the wrong signature, and the right
would not do. The mistake had to await rectification,
and I my money.

“ In this case, the Post-Office may not have been to
blame. The person who sent me the order could not spell.
But f suppose that my name was taken from his mouth,
and booked phonetically without question.

“ A few weeks before, I had to wait about a quarter-of-
an-hour in a Post-Office whilst the head clerk there was
engaged in hunting up a blunder in regard to a Money
Order, which turned out to hinge upon an omitted aspirate.
In this case the name, correctly written, had been handed
in, and had got corrupted in its passage out of the mouth,
or through the pen, of some snob in the office.

“ I should be sorry to see any Government situations
engrossed by the aristocracy, and yet there might be expe-
diency in giving Post-Office Clerkships to a class of men
who, being particular about their own names, might be
expected to be exact in spelling those of others. A better
plan would perhaps be to constitute those berths the prizes
of success in a competitive examination on orthography. I
will here adopt the signature of

“ Walker”

News from Vine Street.

Goon strong Porter will soon become the daily bever-
age of the Rhinelanders. We have heard of more than one
flourishing Yineyard Proprietor, who had hitherto given
all his attention to growing Wine, now drawing everybody
else’s attention to the fact of his growing Stout.

PROFESSIONAL RECIPROCITY.

Country Parson. “Robins, I’on sorry I don’t see you at Church more regularly.”
Conscientious Butcher. “ Well, Sir, I knows as J did ought to come to Church
fftener than I does—the lots o' meat you has o' me.”

HISTORICAL.

Why was the time of Queen Elizabeth a rude, bois-
terous age ?

1 Because one met with nothing but Ruffs.

A MIDDLE-AGED WIFE WANTED.

My Dear Mrs. Jones,

Let me call your attention to the following advertisement,
which appeared in a penny paper not long since :—

jDTATRIMONY.—A Lady earnestly desires that a very dear young’
-I’-l handsome, amiable, and elegant relative, of undeniable position, may contract
an alliance with a lady of mature age, and having received carte blanche, after con-
vincing him domestic happiness is seldom attainable with a youthful or frivolous
wife, she will be happy to receive propositions from and to introduce into her family
circle an eligible lady, or to negociate with trustees, solicitors, medical practitioners,
or others, able to assist her. This is quite genuine, and idle curiosity will he dis-
agreeably frustrated.

“Young, handsome, amiable, and elegant!” Here is a chance, my
dear Madam, for some of our fair friends. What “ lady of mature
age” but would positively jump (were it but thought genteel to do so)
at the prospect of contracting so delightful an alliance ! Just consider
for one moment the weight of the four adjectives—young ! handsome ! !
amiable !!! and elegant! !! ! What a delightful “ relative ” must this
be to possess! And besides his youth and elegance, good looks and
amiability, there is the further charm of his excellent good sense;
shown clearly by his preference of a wife advanced in years, and there-
fore fit to be his helpmate, to the frivolous companionship of a young
and giddy girl.

But, my dear Mrs. Jones, before we recommend our friends Miss-

and Miss-to answer this advertisement,we may advise them to reflect

that though the offer is “quite genuine,” curiosity about it may not
be quite so “ idle ” as it is alleged. It is as rare for ladies to adver-
tise for wives as it is for gentlemen to let another person be more active
than themselves in effecting their “alliance,” for such it is the fashion
now for marriage to be termed. One fears then there is something
rather fishy in this notice (if you ar.e puzzled by this adjective, jour
girls will tell you what it means); and the allusion to the “medical
practitioners ” I rather think encourages one’s faith in this idea. The
“position” of the gentleman may be “undeniable,” but, as not a
word is said about bis state of mind or body, it may be that his relative

is tired of the care of him, and is desirous to entrust him to the hands
of some mature-aged person, who though asked to be his wife will find
herself in real truth his keeper or his nurse.

People who stand trembling upon the brink of matrimony would do
well to look before they leap into the gulf, and by those who may be
tempted into marriage by advertisement ought this rule especially, 1
think, to be observed. Maturity of age is not attended always by
maturity of wisdom, and, ladies who axe gifted with a big bump of
Affection Lave generally speaking a small one of Cautiousness, at any
rate so far as husbands are concerned. It is for this cause I have
written a few timely words of warning ; for I am always, my dear
Madam, your and your delightful sex’s very faithful and devoted slave
and safeguard,

A WORD FOR A WEED.

What has the reduction of the tobacco duty done for the smoker?
Where is the man who has experienced any diminution in the price, or
improvement in the quality of cigars ? These questions are designed
to suggest a subscription for the purpose of offering a Prize Medal to
be competed for by Tobacconists, and awarded to the candidate who, of
all the competitors, shall best establish his claim to be regarded as the
producer of a good and cheap Cigar. The thing at present is not to be
had. Yet a fortune might be made by any Tobacconist who would
supply it; and besides he might win the Prize Medal by a safe specula-
tion, which would pay whilst ending in smoke.

La Danse.

Amongst other fashionable announcements we read that:—

“ Count M. G. de Wezele has left Eaton Square for Norfolk.”

Pop goes de Wezele.

Definition.—A Spare Rib. A Thin Wife.