Punch (45.1863)

244

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[December 12, 1863.

A FACT.

Guard (Taking half-price ticket). “Surely, Miss, that Young Lady is over ten; are you not,
Miss t ”

Dignified Little One. “Pray, are you not aware, Guard, that it is extremely rude to ask a
Lady her age ? ”

TO E. T. SMITH.

Listen, Mr. E. T. Smith,

Is this Astley’s tale a myth ?

Do you mean the proper thing?

Will you give us back our Ring ?
Sawdust, horses, ponies, Clown,

That one straw that throws him down,
And the Master whom he beg
Not to slash him on the legs,

Eor he’s eager to declare
What he said about the Bear:

Garters, garlands, and balloons,
Fiddlers playing rapid tunes,

Pretty girls with wreaths and whips,
On the coursers doing Trips,

Reckless Riders from the Prairies,
Little pet equestrian fairies:
Elephants, upon their heads,

Monkeys trained to make the beds.
And that wealth of riddle wit
Every joke a certain hit;

(All that Dion took away:

Giving us the weakest play)

Will you, Mr. Smith, restore
What we loved in days of yore?

Then Great Punch will condescend
To come forth your staunchest friend,
And your rival, by such means,

Smith, you ’ll knock to Smithereens.

A Cheap Material for Public Buildings.

The people of Plymouth are desirous of
building a new Guildhall,-the present one being
much too small—a site can be had near St.
Andrew’s Church, but the difficulty is the want
of Funds ; this, however, might be overcome, we
think, if the advice of one of the Town-Councillors
were taken, viz., to build it out of the sound of
the Church Bells.

HOOP-LA!

GAME OF FOOTBALL.

/CRINOLINE.—The PATENT ONDINA, or Waved Jupon, does away
with the unsightly results of the ordinary hoops, and so perfect are the wave-
like bands, that a lady may ascend a steep stair, lean against a table, throw herself
into an arm-chair, pass to her stall at the Opera, or occupy a fourth seat in a carriage,
without inconvenience to herself or others, or provoking the rude remarks of the
observers, besides removing or modifying in an important degree aU those pecu-
liarities tending to destroy the modesty of English women; and, lastly, it allows
the dress to fall into graceful folds. Price, &c. Illustrations free.

“ Illustrations free ! ” they would also have been welcome. Iiow would
the “ wavelike” (beautiful but mysterious epithet!) bands have been
represented ? Probably as accommodating themselves to the creases—
the water-creases of a watered silk gown. She may go up a steep stair
without “ provoking the rude remarks ” of the gentlemen who may be fol-
lowing ; an abusive custom, which as we gather from the advertisement,
any three occupants of a carriage adopt directly a lady takes the fourth
seat, and which, it appears, is equally the fashion with those habitues of
the Opera, before whom the unfortunate wearer of Crinoline is compelled
to pass, on the way to her stall. If the Jupon will put a stop to such
rudeness, par Jupin let our wives, and daughters and their sons’ wives
and daughters to a woman, patronise the Patent Ondina. On second
thoughts, as the Patent Ondina is only a lesser nuisance than the
nuisance it simply professes to diminish, let us get rid of this as well.
Then will a lady be able to walk up the highest of stairs free from the
lowest glances, and lean against a table, throw herself away if she
pleases, or in fact do whatever she likes without inconveniencing
herself or, what is more important, anybody else; and any lady, being
herself in this matter free from fault, will not uncharitably attempt to
punish our shins.

“ A GENTLE ANSBR, JEW.”

We read in the Austrian leading journal:—

“ A deputation from the Jews of Presburg was last week received by the Emperor
or Austria, to present to his Majesty a couple of geese, as usual at Martinmas from
time immemorial. ”

So far the Vienna Court Circular. By a private note from a lady of
the Court, we hear that the Emperor facetiously remarked that as
birds, the presents were welcome, but as likenesses, superfluous, lie
having already got photographs of his tiresome friends, the Pretenders
to Holstein and to Naples.

Dear Punch, West Sliynnington, Dec. 5, 1863.

Our Football Committee has just met, and hastily thrown
together the following rules, which we feel require but to be known to
be at once adopted. We shall be happy to coalesce with any one on
the subject. Subscriptions will be received at Mr. Punch's Office,
or by

Yours as ever, T. O. Kickenny

S. Quasher.

E. O’Mawley.

Rules.

1. The ball may never be kicked when more than six feet from the
ground, any player repeating the offence must leave the game.

2. If any player make a dent in another’s leg by hacking, it may be
considered a h’accident.

3. No plain kick may be made except by a dab, who must look well
to his soles and heels.

4. If a player is at sea he may take a punt kick ; drop kicks are best
suited to members of a hydropathic establishment on a wet day.

5. To toe the ball a rope is not generally necessary.

6. A Police Magistrate should be in attendance to dispose of all
charges made by the players.

7. Free kicks are distributed gratis.

Hints to Young Players.

If you lose your wind, remember that the bail is blown as well as
yourself.

To run up the ball, we recommend climbing irons.

Be careful not to tear your shirt, for it will not avail you that you
are sewn up yourself, and have a stitch in your side.

Singular Phenomenon.

A Bank Director has favoured us with the curious information, that
on that very Thursday, when the gale was putting such an awful pres-
sure on the Royal Exchange Anemometer, people were running about
the adjacent Bank of England, furiously declaring that there was no
raising the wind. He says things were at sixes and sevens, but
our own bill-broker says sevens and eights. Whichever statement is
correct, the fact is full of interest.