Punch (71.1876)

68

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 12, 1876.

PATERFAMILIAS ON PIGTAILS.

" Materfamilias, maddened by the daily increasing insubordination of the
British Housemaid, the incapacity, extravagance, and by no means infrequent
alcoholism of the British Cook, and the rebelliousness even of the British
Scullerymaid, ... is furtively yet anxiously expecting the arrival on the
shores of Albion of the ' Heathen Chinee.' It has been bruited about . . .
that Ah-Sing is on his way across the 'big black waterto relieve the
barbarian housekeepers from their domestic difficulties."—Daily Telegraph.

oliloquv of Me. B. on the
threatened advent of the
"Heathen Chinee.'1''

Can't say I've had that
tip from Mes. B.;
Don't think I ever heard
her Broach the question:
But importation of the
mild Chinee
Does seem a rather stag-
gering suggestion.

Ah-Sing as Housemaid ?
Novel notion that!
Bo-He as Buttons,
Qeang-Ho doing stitch-
in?)

Chang - Wang a-handing
me my coat and hat!—
Must say it's more be-
wildering than bewitch-
ing.

Servants do play Old Goose-
berry, sure enough ;
But omnipresentpigtails,
pidgin lingo,
Slant eyes, and ! baggy
breeks, and faces buff !
The prospect pulls a man
up short, by Jingo !
Those Lady-Helpsiooked'a rum start perhaps,

But cpiite a trifle when compared with this go.
Don't cotton quite to those Celestial chaps.
I think I've heard they funked them out in Frisco.

Thought they were only fit for growing tea.

Don't fancy Johnny dishing up my dinner !
I'm not exactly sure that Mrs. B.

Would trust the Baby to that saffron sinner.
All very well on tea-chests, queer and quaint;

Quite passable on screens and fancy crockery ;
But nursing Nell !—'twould make Aunt Betsy faint!
I hope that D. T. means it all in mockery.

"Worst of those blessed papers now-a-days,
They will go in for being deadly funny.
I like plain speech that means just what it says—

(That Standard is the paper for my money.)
But if it's serious ? Well, no doubt, Ah-Sing

May be a meek, industrious sort oi fellow ;
But those blue bed-gowns aren't my style of thing,
And blood is blood. Ah-Sing's I'm sure is yellow!

Cheap ? Civil ? Caring nought for cuff or kick ?

Nice change to have a servant that is trounceable.
Johnny will pocket " fum-fum" and "eat stick,"

While Mary Annee's dear, and rude, and bounceable :
As for pig-tails, one mustn't talk too loud,

Seeing the things our Women now are wearing—
But fancy living midst a family crowd
Of bare Mongolian pates! 'Twere past all bearing!

Moreover labour may be made too cheap :

This Flowery overflow may swamp Creation.
Suppose Ah-Sing should catch J. B. asleep,

And ply his pidgin to our ruination !
Hard work, short commons ? 'Taint the modern style,
Short hours, long pay, seems Labour's latest charter.
Ah-Sing may slave, eat stick, half starve, and smile,
Yet that sleek Mongol may turn out a Tartar.

No, Mes. B.! I guess you'd better bear

With Maey Annee's ways a little longer—
The Pigtails far outnumber us, I hear,
Let John 'ware hawk if Johnny grows the stronger.

A world, too, like a willow-pattern plate
Is not the sort of thing my taste that pleases :

For China there has been a craze of late—
Do hope we shan't extend it to Chineses !

THE EASTEEN QUESTION IN THE EUTUEE.

According to Russian Ideas.

1877. _ Servia, Montenegro, and Roumania placed under Russian
protection.

1878. The Protected Provinces given over to the rule of a Russian
Yiceroy.

1879. Important Treaty concluded between Russia and Greece.

1880. Coronation at Constantinople of the Empeeor Alexander
as Czar of all the Russias, Greece, and both the Turkeys.

According to German Ideas.

1877. Remonstrance with France for favouring Turkey.

1878. Remonstrance with France for sympathising with the
Insurgent Provinces.

1879. Remonstrance with France on account of her neutrality.

1880. War declared against France.

According to Turkish Ideas.

1877. Loan from England to declare war against Russia.

1878. Loan from England to declare war against Germany.

1879. Loan from England to declare war against France, Austria,
Italy, Greece, Denmark, and the United States.

1880. Loan from England to declare war against Great Britain.

According to Austrian Ideas.

1877. Negotiation with a First-Class Power.

1878. Negotiation with a couple of First-Class Powers.

1879. Negotiation with all the First-Class Powers.

1880. Negotiations with the Four Quarters of the Globe.

According to English Ideas.

1877. English Constitutions given to all the Insurgent Provinces.

1878. Penny Papers, Penny Ices, Cheap Omnibuses and Bath
Buns introduced into Belgrade, P^agusa, Nish, and Constantinople.

1879. Conversion of the Sextan. Establishment of Turkish
Houses of Lords and Commons, Insurgent Provinces treated like
English Colonies, and Inauguration of the Constantinople Under-
ground Railway.

1880. Payment of the Turkish Debt.

According to Mr. Punch's Private Ideas.

1877. Revolution!

1878. Reconstitution! !

1879. Renovation.

1880. Civilisation.

PUNCH AND PUFFERY.

Good old Homer sometimes nods; and Punch may occasionally
take forty winks ; but who has ever heard him talk in his sleep ?
" Aperiently," as Mrs. Gamp says, the author of the following
announcement in a morning paper—unconnected, however, with
Mrs. Gamp:—

"The Yachting Season.—'There is nothing more refreshing than the
Khinegau Champagne.'—Punchy

Mr. Punch does not remember ever having made this observation.
If it ever escaped him whilst dreaming, in a moment of slumber, he
will too probably, under the same conditions, say similar things.
The next of them, perhaps, will be an encomium on the Specialite
Sherry ; and by-and-by Mr. Punch will, without knowing it, extol
even Holloway's Pills. But observe. Except through "uncon-
scious cerebration," and "reflex action," Punch never puffs any-
thing but tobacco smoke. Not if he knows it. In the meanwhile
common sense shows bow certain it must be that a puff falsely
attributed to Mr. Punch is a truthful advertisement.

News eoe the Yatican.—Barbadoes has rebelled against Papal
rule—such is its Protestant feeling—though it was only against
Pope-Hennessy !

With whatjfaculty ought a common street thief to be eminently
endowed ?

(It being too hot for guessing, we give the answer at once) :—
Purse-pick-acity (Perspicacity).

The Peisons' Bill—Me. William Sixes.