Punch (71.1876)

August 19, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

71

Egyptian Stock, the House could hardly be roused to sympathise with
Sir Stafford's .virtuous indignation. It was too hot even for
personalities. Everybody felt that somehow there had been a coup-
manque here too, as in the Cave Report—a " letting ' I dare not' wait
upon ' I would,' " that indicated the quenching of a sensational coup,
smacking strong of Asiatic mystery, with a douche of caution—
" from Derby's depths in cooling fountains drawn." The Premier
explained how High Political and Commercial were blent in the
transaction.

High Policy's all very well,

But what both Jew and Gentile essays,

"When loss against gain you've to tell,
Is to prove that High Policy pays.

Appellate Jurisdiction Bill got through Committee, and the die
cast for creation of one-horse legal Peers—not permanent pillars of
the House of Lords, but removable, like the partitions of a royal
box.

Wednesday.—When the steed is stolen, shut the door. Mr.
Bourfji informed the House that Her Majesty's Government have
authorised the appointment of a British Consular Officer at Philli-
popolis, so that Sir Henry Elliott will not be reduced to depend
on Turkish authorities for accounts of Turkish atrocities.

Appellate Jurisdiction Bill passed, under a funeral wail from
Mr. Whalley, to Ophelia''s air:—
" Oh, woe is me !
To have seen what I have seen, see what I see ! "

Whalley suggests as subject for a picture—" The Serpent of Sta-
tutory Enactment swallowing the Common Law ! "

Mr. Cross, in a speech of infinite tact and discretion, moved the
Bill for regulating Vivisection. About this question England is
divided into two camps: one, which does not need to have reason
urged on it; the other, which refuses to hear reason. The Bill is
an attempt to meet an angry, excited, and, in its stronger forms,
irrational feeling; but respect is due even to the errors of humane
sentiment, however hot and heady. Of the thousand forms in which
man inflicts pain on animals, one is specially indicted for a holy
purpose — the advancement of knowledge, with a view to the
diminution of suffering. That one form is henceforth to be placed
under special legal regulation. Mr. Holt was the organ of
excited sentiment. Sir John Lubbock and Dr. Playfair put the
case for calm science with exemplary moderation; the Right
Hoist. Robert Lowe, more suo, with more point and pepper than per-
suasiveness. On an ebbing tide Ministers went to dine at Greenwich.

Thursday.—Lord G. Hamilton brought in the Indian Budget—
though last, not least—to an Indian audience—very hot, very
languid, and as little able as willing to brace up its energies to the
terrible feat of facing such a problem as the Depreciation of Silver;
still more, the crux of applying a remedy to it. To talk of Indian
prosperity seems literally surplusage—for in 1874-75, a calculated
deficit of £1,388,000 had been converted into a surplus of £319,197,
and in 1875-76, a calculated surplus of £506,000 had swelled to
£1,634,000. There was an increase in the revenue from Customs,
Stamps, and Railways. Army expenditure had been retrenched.
Public works were being conducted with less waste. All would be
going merry as a marriage bell, but for silver—vile silver—"fons
et origo mali" vice gold superseded. By its depreciation, the Indian
revenue would lose £2,313,000 ; but " little Surplus "—as Charles
Surface says—would survive through all!

Lord G. showed how all the devices proposed for setting up that
Humpty-Dumpty—the fallen Rupee—were impracticable, and an-
nounced that Government was prepared to do nothing but keep its
eyes open and curtail public works. Manchester, through the sweet
voices of Sidebottom, Briggs, and Blrley, advocated repeal of the
Duties on Calico, to the tune of "Take the Goods our Mills provide
you," instead of weaving for yourselves, and putting on our wares a
duty which, with their ownsize, is quite heavy enough to swamp Man-
chester cloths. Manchester could supply grey shirtings of any quan-
tity as well as any size, if the Indian Government would take off
the duty.

The House went into Committee after Messrs. Goschen and Faw-
cett had delivered learned essays on the Economics of Silver.

Punch can't understand its depreciation—he never appreciated
half-crowns more since he can remember.

Friday.—England washes her hands clean of responsibility for
Turkish blood and filth. Mr. Evelyn Ashley and Sir W. Har-
court found eloquent voice for the feeling of horror and repulsion
which the Bulgarian atrocities have left through the length and
breadth of the land.

Turkey, as the Times truly says, has forfeited for ever the good
opinion of England. It is well that Mr. Disraeli, who, with Mr.
Bourke, did his best in palliation of the supineness of our repre-
sentative at Constantinople, should understand this clearly ; and it
is well that'England by her Collective Wisdom should have spoken
so strongly and so clearly as Parliament is breaking up.

As Members dispersed in the small hours a rumour swept

through the benches, and made the lights burn for a moment
dimmer—that the Commons will know The Right Honourable
Benjamin Disraeli no more, he having been called up to the House
of Lords as Earl of Beaconsfield—

Leaving his brightest Beacon's wider field,

That House of Commons, where, for forty years,

His ready tongue hath been both sword and shield,
In battle with the worthiest of his peers.

It is the season of falling stars—a bright one has shot sudden from
the Galaxy of St. Stephen's.

COOLING INVENTIONS FOR THE HOT WEATHEE.

(Suggested to Patentees of New Inventions.)

A Refrigerator Hat,
with ice reservoir and self-
acting steam - discharging
safety valve complete, to
regulate the temperature
of the head.

A Suit of Dittos, made
of a new material, combin-
ing the texture of the but-
terfly's wings with the
opacity of broadcloth.
_ Iced Newspapers, exclu-
sively devoted to articles
written in the coolest style,
with apologies for every-
thing—including the Bul-
garian atrocities.

Pocket Self-acting
Punkahs, for using in
hansoms and railway car-
riages —■ especially on all
the Metropolitan District
Lines.

Tonic Thought Lozenges,
to enable the consumer to make up his mind without unnecessary
exertion.

Talking Machines, requiring only to be wound up once a fortnight,
for use at dinner-tables, garden-parties, crushes, and all other
occasions when good society congregates in the dog-days. The
Machines should be provided with interchangeable cylinders so
worked that the topics may be changed frequently, on the principle
of the calculating machine.

And, lastly, some mode of keeping cool (any design will be
accepted) which does not entail either a visit to the Arctic Regions or
a journey to the summit of Monte R,osa.

Propositions may be sent to Mr. Punch, care of Toby, the Cellar,
85, Fleet Street. _

EDUCATIONAL OTJT-DOOR RELIEF.

Onner'd Mr. Punch,

Sir,—Werry grate Improvement of the Guvment Heddi-
cation Hact the Guardians Instead of the Skoolboards avin to pay
the skool feas for scollards witch their Parients can't aford to. In
coarse Wee shal Take preshus good Care to make all Them pay as
can. Trust Hus to releave the Parish and Save the Ratepayers
pokits. Best, if porper Heddication was in our Ands haltogether.
We'd see all the necessairy Estimats was Framed like the Wurkus
Diaterry with a Doo regard to Econamy. Food for Mind same as
Food for Boddy. All as simple as Molossus and Skilligolee. No
luxaries, no extries abuv the 3 R's. Apperyensions as bin ixprest
in Sum kevarters that in payment of Skool Feas for them as aven't
the meens we 're Likely to be too Gennerus. No fear of that; but
which it's praps only Meant for Witt, as for a Saterricalmsinneva-
tion agin respectabel Ofishels and Porochial Eeonamists in the
Posishon of Your Obegent Umbel Servent, Pancridge.

sweets by wire.

By mistake, in a telegram from Calcutta the other day, "the Jam
of Lasbeyla" was entitled "the Jam of Luxbehai." A serious
mistake, only to be paralleled by calling raspberry jam goose-
berry !___

amendment on the cruelty to animals bill.

Fox-hunting in future to be limited to bag-foxes, and no Fox
henceforth to be hunted except under chloroform.