Punch (71.1876)

August 19, 1876.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

77

SEA-SIDE COSTUMES.

A Distinction with a Difference. The Gentlemen have Two Legs to
their Trousers : the Ladies only One.

Lieb "Waggy says to me on Sunday, " Are you going to church ?"
" No," I replied; " I always go to Chappell."
This was a splittersiderer.

Another. " Have some more Rhine wein," says der alter Meister.
" Wein, danke," I replied.

" Why ? " he asks, with a wink to the company, intimating'that a real good
'un might be expected. And he was not deceived.

"I will not," I returned, gravely, "take any more Rhine wein, because I
do not wish to be a well-known music publisher."

"Hem !" they all exclaimed.

I explained. "Because,'' said I, with that well-known arch expression of
mein optiken (myeye), which is so irresistible, "because I do not wish to be
Boosey."

Need I say that there were shrielcen und shouten all over the place ?

There was a first-rate brass band, and also an inferior one. Of the two I
said, " Das ist Coot und Tlnney."

This double-barrelled Anglo-Bavarian splittersider is the last sky-rocket
I can send you to-day with safety to the post-bag.

By the way, as there are in the crowd here some very unprincipled persons,
who would not be above going to the Post Office, and, making use of the
untradesmanlike falsehood of its being the same concern, getting hold of my
letters, for the sake of the enclosure from you, please do not send the remit-
tance here,* but entrust it to the Gentleman who brings this letter to you, and
in whom I have every confidence, whose receipt will be your discharge, and who
will bring it straight to me, so you may as well let him have it in cash. In
business there must ever be mutual confidence,! and so, mein lieb alte Mann, I

* We mil strictly comply with this request. "We like the great caution shown by
our Contributor; it is in itself a guarantee of good faith.—Ed.

t True : our sentiments down to the ground. Therefore it will be on the whole safer
(as we told the Gentleman who came with this MS., and who complained of being kept
waiting in the office, as he wanted to be off to Bayreuth immediately, and might miss his
train) for our excellent and clever Correspondent to trust us here, and we can settle up with
him on his return. "We have written to him to this effect, only we think it as well to state
the case publicly, in view of any probable difficulties in future. Entre nous, we did not like
the look of the "friend" who called. He had the shabby-genteel appearance (we would
not be uncharitable for the world) of an out-of-work billiard—ahem!—player. If he was
indeed a "friend " of our Contributor's, he had all the air of " a friend in need."—Ed.

grasp you firmly by the hand, and hope that within
two days a note from you, with enclosure as aforesaid,
will gladden the eyes and heart of him who revels in
signing himself ever

Tour Representative.

C( ALARUMS, EXCURSIONS !»

Shakspeare.

The Collision Season has set in early; and if all
excursion-trains are to be managed on the same prin-
ciples as that which travelled over the Somerset and
Dorset Railway on Monday week (Bank Holiday), a con-
siderable addition to the death rate may be confidently
anticipated. Could not the infliction on readers of the
daily journals of column after column of solemn and pro-
tracted farces, called "Official Inquiries," be dispensed
with for a common form, agreed upon by the Board of
Trade P It could easily be done. Everybody knows that—

1. A nervous Coroner will open " this painful investi-
gation."

2. That a person with the appearance of being pos-
sessed of unfathomable wisdom will " act as Assessor"
(whatever that may mean), and, with great prudence,
say as little as possible.

3. That another person, also, supposed to possess
inscrutable knowledge with regard to Railway accidents
(after they have occurred), will attend as "Government
Inspector." This will probably be a Military man—a
familiarity with lists of "killed and wounded," being
no doubt considered the most essential qualification.

4. A Jury, of various degrees of ignorance, will view
the bodies and the scene of the accident with open-
mouthed astonishment.

5. Plans and Models will be produced, a large number
of witnesses will flatly contradict one another, and a
quantity of the most intricate engineering technicalities
will be flashed to and fro before the bewildered Jury.

6. The Rules of the Company, printed for the use of
their servants and employes, will be produced, and proved
to be so perfect and so full of foresight, that their obser-
vance must have made the accident impossible. Only
one point will not be insisted upon—that the require-
ments of the Company, as to time and taskwork, render
the observance of these Rules by their overworked ser-
vants absolutely impossible; dismissal being the sure
consequence of the servants' observance of any rule that
happens for the moment to be in the teeth of an official
superior's order.

7. The Coroner will deliver a hazy " summing up."

8. The Jury, probably, after asking the Coroner what
verdict they ought to return, will find that there is no-
body to blame ; or if there is a scapegoat to be pounced
upon, that it is some poor devil who works some hundred
and twenty hours a week for sixteen shillings.

9. Coroner, Jury, Inspector, and Assessor will com-
pliment one another on the attainment of that pitch of
intelligence known in jury records as " high," and such
an amount of amiability as to render it almost a pity
they should ever part.

10. Some months after the accident is forgotten by
the public, the Inspector will make a " Report " to the
Board of Trade, which, after dealing very elaborately
with the facts of the case, will wind up with some very
valuable suggestion which has been offered fifty times
before, and as often disregarded by the Company.

Punch has a suggestion to make in addition to the
hint that " Inquiries " might be reduced to a common
form; and that is, that whenever it may seem necessary
that two trains shall meet on a single line, the passen-
gers and officials may be allowed to alight a few minutes
before the desired collision. Then, a full head of steam
being turned on, let the two trains have it out without
the passengers.

The Roll of Fame.

'Ex-Colonel Baker has joined the Turkish Army."— Daily

Papers.

That with the Turks he takes command,
Should not surprise us in the least.

A Baker ought to understand
The way of rising in the (y)East.