Punch (71.1876)

August 26, 1876.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

81

derivatur "), who will fight for my luggage until " Black Mullens,"
or some rascal more powerful than the others, collars my port-
manteau, puts it on his car, and perhaps collars me .(for I shouldn't
resist " Black Mullens "), and puts me on to the car too.

Then what a hooting and shouting, and laughing, and real witty
chaffing (at my expense) will arise—until I give the name of my
hotel—" Horkison's—(which has an Anti-Union Club sound), and
am driven off in triumph by "Black Mullens," waving his whip,
his horse going at a hand-gallop round the corners, and myself
holding on, as best I can, to the back of the car with one hand,
while with the other I grasp my portmanteau, and away fly, this
way and that, my stick, my umbrella, my hatbox, and my overcoat,
to the twenty-four winds of heaven, and to the intense enjoyment
of the hundred or more laughing, running, vagabonds about the place.

This is the sort of entry—hardly a triumphal one—that I expect
into Dublin; founded, of course, on my recollections of Charles
O'Ma/ley and Jack Hinton the Guardsman.

What do I expect of Dublin ? Well, principally the Lord Lieu-
tenant driving about, plenty of military, always in uniform, a
sprinkling of attorneys, lots of "Counsellors" in wig and gown,
fine policemen, jovial-looking priests, priggish-looking parsons,
Clubs where members are excitedly discussing politics at the open
windows, and, at every turn of the streets, some lazy, idle dog
saying good things to some other lazy, idle joker like himself, while
the car-drivers keep up a fire of running chaff all over the town.
That is what I am expecting. I am further expecting to_ be in
readiness at any moment with a repartee. And I am arranging my
course < f 'onduct so as not to be the aggressor in a verbal war of
wi , buu either to smile goodhumouredly and bear it, or, if ready,
to reply and turn the laugh in my favour.

As for Trinity College, I expect to find the Undergraduates in
the evening giving their wine and. supper parties, playing the
cornet-d-piston out of tune, blowing up the College pump, squib-
bing a Dean, or indulging in some other good old practical joke
played off on academical, civil, or military dignitaries. In
fact, I expect Ireland in general, and Dublin in particular, to be
Rollicking! "Rollicking" is the only word for it. I expect
" Rollicks " to be going on all day and all night. " Frolics " is not
a strong enough word for my purpose : it is too weak, childish, and
lamblike. A lamb frolics, an Irishman "rollicks." Well, this is
what I expect; and I am glad I have written it down, so as to be
able to compare the reality with what my fancy (founded on Irish
works of Irish imagination) had painted it. Nous verrons.

" Ten minutes more, Sir," says the Steward, looking in, "and we
shall be in."

Sappy Thought.—Thank Heaven! I have slept.
" I suppose," says the Steward, looking in again, " ye '11 want a
boy."

_ I am half asleep. Is it a boy, or a buoy, he means ? Why
either ?

Happy Thought.—To answer, as if I were an old traveller, and
quite accustomed to it, " Certainly."

The " boy " appears, and carries my luggage with the strength of
three boys.

GENTLEMAN HELP.

An Advertisement in a daily paper offers a good opening for any
one of too many of our young friends:—

YOUTH (Genteel) WANTED at Builder's Office, and assist in house
X early morn, clean knives, boots, and run errands. Good opportunity to
learn.—Apply, &c.

This is really the only sort of thing that numbers of well-looking
boys, sons of poor gentlefolk, are fit for, whilst their parents and
friends are vainly striving to obtain them employment requiring
educated intelligence. The expectations cherished in such cases
might be truly expressed by advertisement, as follows :—" Wanted,
by Parents moving in good Society, but of narrow means, a Gentle-
manly and Lucrative Situation for a Youth of rudimentary Know-
ledge, and of Abilities below the Average."

An Irish Gem.

In one of some letters exchanged with Me. Gladstone, on the
University question, an "Irish Catholic Layman," having ex-
pressed the hope that his correspondent will one day resume the
Premiership, concludes his letter as follows :—

" When the time for taking that position arrives, your old and grateful
friends in Ireland will prove to the world that Irish Catholics are never
ungrateful, and that honesty of purpose, even when directed against what they
hold most dear, cannot blot from their memory past favours."

But is it from any but an Irish memory, sure, that honesty of
purpose, in any case, could possibly blot past favours ?

TOWN-TOURING.

~Z __ r. Cook has had it all

—_ _T his own way for some

^^^^ESf^^=E~EEEE=^^^^EE^ years of excursion-

_ ^^EE^—■ eering.^ Mr. Punch

j=EE=ii V^^^E^IZlf^M^ \iEEEl/ heat having rendered
":~Jfl /^^^==~^ZnI Xp^f' -— it almost impossible
■Hi^Zjzra jjl" ^—^—^^il^^^ to make up anything

ft ^K^^^^^^^/'^RNwi^I-1 else—even the cur-
EEEErjJJ fff^ \^/) rerit Number) to set

~^"--^Br life? \ iBBjBi lli ~^|f|^F* 011 .foot an under-

r^^^^mi.Mm^' \ 'pil^w/f[i 'l cuia^eo- *° meet the

~^^il 'm^' ^ rn\ ' wishes and purses of

^11 ,f , WMlV 'M V- a large circle of

SfeJ/fif J , A\ HIW h '< 'fc7- would-be travellers.

R ffi I }\ Wf j % The title, "The

SS/If 1/ , l\ !i, W r. 1§ Economical Station-

WBij) I, ' 1 ' ary Tourists' So-

Jj/jw 'i ^ —ciety," has nothing

^^^"^^^^fe7 envelopes and writing
_^^^^^^E^^^^^^-£si=:^ paper ; but it is the
: -~— ""i^gir : most compendious

CzilZ—-- \|J--^' designation of Mr.

Punch's eminently

logical scheme to supply those who, by circumstances beyond their
own control, are forced to remain in the Metropolis during the
travelling season.

Tickets will be delivered, at various prices, for the various desti-
nations of purchasers anxious to travel without leaving home. The
rooms in the Society's Establishment will be numbered and named
according to the Tours undertaken by the Managers.

For instance : You purchase a ticket for the Tyrol. All you have
to do is to look at the plan of the Rooms kept by the Porter. You
will follow the passage indicated, conducting you to a door labelled
" Tyrol." Within you will find maps, handbooks, and photographs
of all the objects of interest in the Austrian or Italian Tyrol.

Specimens of Edelweiss and pear-wood chamois, chalets, and alpen-
stocks, may be purchased at a stall in the room. Ladders will be
provided to mount on to the roof with the greatest possible danger
to life and limb ; while blocks of Wenham ice and property snow—
in lambs' wool—will be added, to give local colour to the ascent.

A Courier, of competent experience and rascality, will be attached
to each Tour. Mattrasses on the roof, for sunrises, extra.

The Egyptian Tour will provide models of a Nile Boat and a
living crocodile in a tank. Mosquitoes will be let out at night to
enterprising sleepers on the premises. A real Dragoman will be
attached to this department, and cartes de visite of the Keledive and
M. de Lesseps will be kept in stock.

In the Indian Tour Room will be exhibited the Basket Trick, and
a snake-charmer, with a live cobra. Permission has been secured to
ride the Elephants at the Zoological Gardens. Negotiations are
pending for a Rajah with a grievance.

In the Garden at the back, Grouse recently killed may be shot at,
and sent to friends on the following morning.

Time and _ experience will bring the idea to perfection; but
Mr. Punch is confident that the speculation is fraught with the
happiest prospects for his own pocket, and the pleasure of intending
Tourists, of wide ambitions and narrow means.

" Caviare to the General."

We rarely meet a soldier without hearing some complaint about
the small pay he is getting. Still, we must say we are startled by
the following advertisement:—

WANTED, a PLAIN COOK. Wages, £16 ; all found. A good
GENERAL would suit.

Really, such an offer is an insult to the Army, and the Horse
Guards ought to notice it. However paltry he may deem the pay
he is receiving, surely no good General would consent to an exchange
which would make him leave the Service for the place of a Plain
Cook. _

An Object of Suspicion.

Tourists in Scotland, who are of confirmed temperate habits, and
liable to be shocked by any appearance of excess, would do well to
avoid Loch Drunkie—at least until a scientific analysis of its con-
tents has satisfied them that there is no Whiskey mingled with the
water. (N.B.—Loch Drunkie is not to be confounded with Loch
Brandy. Why is there no Loch Whiskey in Scotland ?)