Punch (71.1876)

100

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[September 9, 1876.

JOHN BULL AND HIS GUIDES.

he pilgrim of Britain,_
His track fain to fit

Rule spoken or writ-
ten,

Learns to like and to
look

By his Guide or his
Book,

Be it Mukkay or Cook ;

The same thing's left undone,
The same hy each one done,
'T\vixt Thule and London.

All their " selves " glad to merge,
Through the same gap must surge,
Like the sheep of Panurge,

As Cook bids, on they scurry ;

Or tractably hurry

At the order of Mukkay.

John Bull once had a "willy,"
And also a '' nilly • "
Loved to dally or dilly—

With his own eyes once looked:
Now he likes his routes Cooked,
His opinions Red-hooked,

His thoughts'run in a mould-
Calf's-foot jelly-like, cold—
Laughs or sighs, as he's told

To he grave or rejoice;

Till his voice is Cook's voice,

And his choice is Cook's choice.

Cook's tariff his steady care:
His taste ruled hy ready care
Of Mukkay or Baedeker.

Trots and halts in a band,
Likes, dislikes, second hand,
At the word of command.

And regains his own'shore,

His travelling o'er,

The same Bull as before.

WHAT NO ONE SHOULD FORGET, IN CROSSING THE

CHANNEL.

To place his Rugs, Carpet-bags, and Umbrellas on' the six best
seats on the Boat.

To worry the Captain with remarks about the state of the weather
and the performance of the Steamer : to observe to the Steward that
there is a change in the weather, and that there were more Passen-
gers the last time he crossed.

To speak to the Man at the Wheel, and ask him whether there
was much sea on last trip.

To change his last half-crown into French money, and squabble
with the Steward as to the rate of exchange.

To stare at his neighbours, read aloud their names on their lug-
gage, and remark audibly that he '11 lay anything the Lady with the
slight twang is an American.

To repeat the ancient Joke on " Back her ! stop her ! "

If the passage is rough, to put his feet on his neighbour's head,
after appropriating all the cushions in the cabin.

To call for Crockery in time. N.B.—Most important.

To groan furiously for an hour and a half, if a sufferer; or, if
utterly callous to waves and their commotions, to eat beef and ham,
and drink porter and brandy-and-water, during the entire voyage,
with as much clattering of forks and noise of mastication as is com-
patible with enjoyment.

To kiss his hand, on entering the harbour, to the matdottes on the
quays, or send his love in bad French to the Prefect of Police.

To struggle for a front place, in crowding off the Steamer, as if
the ship was on fire. And fin ally— > , .

To answer every one who addresses him in good English in the
worst possible French.

SS. Patrick and Partridge.

"Now at the Birds, me Boy, let dhrive!:
Says Mike, exhorting Dan.

" That's how we '11 keep the game alive,
By kiUing all we can! "