Punch (71.1876)

September 23, 1876.1 PUNCH, OE THE LONDON

CHAEIVAR1.

129

MR. PUNCH'S GUIDE TO THE ARMY.

For the Use of Young and Old Persons.

Section I.—The History oe the British Army,
Part I. Introductory.

e. Punch had f our
military friends
whom he took
great | pleasure
in instructing.
Col. Charles
was a fierce sol-
dier of the most
pugnacious pro-
clivities; he
seemed to be
over - ready to
seek the bubble
reputation in the
cannon's mouth.
His patriotism
was intense, and
it was not his
fault that his
sword rusted in
the scabbard
eleven months
out of every
twelve. It was
generally be-
lieved in his
home circle that
his talents would
have been of the
t utmost value to

Don Carlos, Garibaldi, and Moltke. In spite, oh this opinion he had never
left his native land on foreign service, for the simple'reason that his regimental
duties had chained him to a spot bounded on the north by Berwick-on-Tweed,
and on the south by Hounslow. He was, in fact, the Commanding Officer of
the Royal East Mudborough Militia. Mr. Punch's second'military friend was
Ensign Eugene, of the Volunteers; his third, Lieutenant and Captain
George, of the Grenadiers Green; and his last a dear little fellow, scarcely
seven-and-eighty years of age, called by the Horse Guards and his other
intimates Field-Marshal Sir Frank Geegee, K.C.B.

When Colonel Charles, of the Royal East Mudborough Militia, was about
fifty years old, he became very inquisitive about the duties of his rank, and
begged hard to be allowed to read the Soldier's Pocket-Book and the Queen's
Regulations. Mr. Punch consented, and he began,them accordingly ; but he
soon found in the volumesso many hard words and.things he could not under-
stand, that he was quite discouraged ; and bringing the books back, said, with
tears in his eyes, that he believed he had better give them up till he was older.

On this Mr. Punch laid by his work, and said, " My dear Colonel, rather than
you should be disappointed in your ardent desire to learn something of yon
duties, I will try what I can do for you myself ; and perhaps I may be able to
compile from other military works one that you may find easier to comprehend
than those supplied to you by Messrs. Macmillan and Her Majesty's Stationery
Office."

"Thank you, thank you, dear Mr. Punch" cried Colonel Charles, of the
Royal East Mudborough Militia, in a transport of joy. "Will you begin it
to-day ? "

" You must not be too impatient," said Mr. Punch. "You must remember
that I shall have a great deal to do. I must read over several books very
carefully, and I must then select, as well as I can, what I think will entertain
and instruct you. However, I promise to begin as soon as possible, and when-
ever I shall have finished a chapter, I will read it to you in the evening, and
that will be better than listening to one of the Mess stories of our friend
Lieutenant and Captain George, of the Grenadiers Green, which we have
heard so often. After every Section, I will answer any questions you may
ask concerning the subject of it; but you must not interrupt me while I am
reading."

Colonel Charles, of the Royal East Mudborough Militia, ran to inform his
brother officers of this kind promise ; and as soon as the first Section was com-
pleted, and the welcome hour arrived for the coming of Mr. Punch into the
ante-room, the three younger soldiers eagerly placed themselves by his side.
Even Field-Marshal Sir Frank Geegee, K.C.B., too, though he was very
old, seated himself on a footstool at Mr. Punch's feet, and listened with great
attention.

Part II. t Of the Rise of the British Army.—When Julius C^sar (a General
in the Italian Service) invaded England, several years before the Norman
conquest, the British Army was in a very disorganised condition. The uniform
was neither neat nor expensive, so neither the man of taste nor the manuf acturing
tailor were satisfied. The costume of the Infantry consisted of a coat of blue
paint with facings of yellow. A few hundred years later, coats of mail were
introduced, with the effect of enriching the celebrated family of Smith. Even

in those far-distant days the English were fond of sight-
seeing, and the Battle of Hastings may be said sto'have
been lost by the soldiers of Harold, who would look up
into the sky_at the descending Norman arrows. In the
Feudal ages, the British Army: consisted chiefly'of men-
at-arms and yeomen, who had been'supplied.to the'King
by the Barons asja sort of human substitute for the proper
payment of the Income-tax and the.Water-rates. In the
reign of Charles the Second, , in consequence of the
extinction of Feudal tenures, the British Army began to
assume its modern shape. The'^lst Royals is the oldest
regiment in the Service. It was raised in 1633, and is
now called the Royal Scots. In the scheme of Lord
Cardavell, for making the Militia the Reserve to the
Line, it was proposed to attach the 1st Royal Tower
Hamlets to the 1st Royal Scots. Had this plan been
carried out, the distinguished Militia Regiment in
question would doubtless have assumed the titles and
uniform of the Royal King's Own Shoreditch High-
landers. The Coldstream Guards and the 3rd Buffs are
the next senior regiments to the Royal Scots—they were
raised in 1660. The Royal Horse Guards (Blue) in 1661.
Their founder, the Earl oe Oxford, was a nobleman
fond of solitude and gloom. Hence, when a gentleman
of military appearance seemed to be in _ low spirits, it
was immediately reported that "he was in the Blues."
It is amusing to notice how long-lived are regimental
customs. Only the other day the officers of the Royal
Horse Guards, true to the traditions of their glorious
corps, actually attended a fancy dress ball, at Marl-
borough House, in the costume of Puritans! It is
gratifying to hear, however, that they kept up the
character they had assumed with as much credit to their
heads as to their hearts. The 100th Canadian Regiment
was added to the Establishment in 1858, and, in 1861
(just two hundred years after the'raising of the Cold-
streams and the Buffs), the 101st, 102nd, 103rd, 104th,
105th, 106th, 107th, 108th, and 109th Regiments com-
pleted the muster roll of the British Army of modern
days. And now, having told you, my dear Officers and
Gentlemen, how the British Army arose, in my next
section I shall have something to say about the duty
one soldier owes to another. I shall attempt to prove
that, though the haughty General may have no head,
the humblest of our privates may yet have a heart full
of the noblest thoughts and (to finish off the sentence
neatly) the very highest of human aspirations.

Conversation on Section I.

Ensign Eugene. Please, Mr. Punch, what are the
highest aspirations of the British private ?

Mr. Punch. My dear Ensign Eugene, of the Volun-
teers, the highest aspirations of the British private are
said to be (by the best authorities) for more food, stronger
beer, and less sentry duty.

Colonel Charles. Surely, Mr .'Punch, you do not allude
to the Militia. I can assure you, my dear Sir, at mess
every eveningduring the training, the most popular
toast after that of Her Majesty the Oueen is " Wild
Wars and Speedy Promotion." The Assistant-Surgeon
of the Regiment almost cries with emotion when he
proposes it.

Mr. Punch. Colonel Charles, of the Royal East
Mudborough Militia, I feel that in your hands Heme
Bay is safe, and Putney need never fear an invasion!
But, before I commence my lectures, will you, all of
you, tell me why you entered the British Army ? Come,
my dear little Field-Marshal Sir Frank Geegee,
K.C.B., why did you join ?

Field-Marshal Sir Frank Geegee, K.C.B. Because
little Sir Frank was a good boy. His Mamma told him
to join a Hussar Regiment when he was thirteen, and
he has been doing what he has been bid ever since. He
has gone up and up and up in the British Army list,
until now he goes to reviews like a good boy, m top-
boots, a cocked hat, spectacles, and a respirator.

Mr. Punch. Dear little fellow! And you, Colonel
Charles, of the Royal East Mudborough Militia, why
did you rush to defend your country ?

Colonel Charles. Because, Sir, I felt that my country
needed defending. Because, Sir, I felt that, unless 1
put on a blue patrol jacket twenty-seven days out of
every three hundred and sixty-five, England would sink
to rise no more, and the waves woidd have to advertise
for a new directress! ,

Mr. Punch. Admirably answered! And you,.Ensign