Punch (71.1876)

146

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[October 7, 1876.

MR. PUNCH'S GUIDE TO THE ARMY.

Section III.—Of the Duty oe the Officer to his Men.

ART I. Superficial. — Yvrhen
Mr. Punch appeared once more
to continue his Lectures, his
four Scholars scarcely noticed
his presence amongst them.
They turned their backs upon
him, and by their demeanour
"^i plainly showed him that from

some unexplained reason they
vH-i. * had evidently lost all their

respect for him. Even Field-
Marshal Sir Frank Geegee,
K.C.B. (usually a very well-behaved little man), pursed up. his shrivelled and tiny
lips, and pretended not to see his kind instructor. Mr. Punch saw'at once that his
pupils were ripe for mutiny. He acted with decision.

" My friends," said he, severely, " if you are Officers, I must ask you to behave like
Gentlemen."

" Sir," cried Colonel Charles, of the EoyalEast Mudborough Militia, " you have
grossly insulted us."

"How ? " was the very natural question put to the angry Militiaman by Mr. Punch,
surnamed " The Patient."

" You have expressed your intention of explaining the duty a British Officer owes
to his men. Sir, such an intention is an insult to us all. Why, even this poor little
Field-Marshal knows something about it—don't you, Sir Franky, dear ? "
' "Yes," lisped out the good-tempered veteran. (He was playing with his spectacles.)
" Yes, dear little Sir Franx is a good boy, and knows his duty to his men. It is to
return salutes by touching his little hat when he passes a sentry-box."

" There you see, Sir ! " cried the indignant Colonel.

"And what do you think about your duty/.Lieutenant and Captain George,
of the Grenadiers Green ? " asked Mr. Punch.

"Everybody knows that a man should leave his men as much as possible in the
hands of his Non-Commissioned Officers," was the haughty reply of the Guardsman.

"And you, Ensign Eugene, of the Volunteers?" said Mr. Punch, smiling. "In
what do you think the duty of an Officer to his men consists ? "

" Oh, I learnt that much within a week of joining my Corps," replied the Rifle-
man, contemptuously. " The duty of an Officer is to pay a heavy annual subscription,
to give prizes, and to provide an unlimited amount of beer and bread and cheese for
the men of his company."

"I am glad to find, Officers and Gentlemen," said Mr. Punch, "that you know
more than I gave you credit for. Still, with your permission, I think I may give you
a few useful hints." And with this the Sage commenced his Lecture :—

Part II. Particular.—According to Major-General Sir Garnet Wolseley (see
his Pocket Book, page 4), the Soldier " is a peculiar animal." The same high authority
insists that this strange creature can only be brought to a proper state of efficiency
by being taught'to _ take a pride (1) in his dress and (2) in himself. "He must
believe that his duties are the noblest that fall to man's lot. He must be taught to
despise all those of civil life." That Sir Garnet believes these doctrines to be of the
utmost importance may be gathered from the following extract from the Soldiers'
Pocket Book (page 9), in which the kit of an Infantry Officer is given, " One cup (in
leather bag), containing knife, fork, spoon, pepper and salt pots (f lb.) ; one india-
rubber basin (1 lb.) ; some tobacco, and the Soldiers' Pocket Book (1 lb.)."

Probably with a view to teaching his men "to
despise the duties of civil life," Sir Garnet, dur-
ing a recent campaign, treated newspaper corre-
spondents with military politeness. As the worthy
Major-General asserts that "whatever the Officers
think fine, the Men will think so too," he doubtless
must regret that the fashion of book-writing has
not been taken up by the rank and file, and that
consequently " the Soldier's Pocket-Book (1 lb.) "
has as yet but few important rivals.

Perhaps fortunately for the men, the Queen's
Regulations do not altogether order the Officer
to consider the Soldier a " peculiar animal." On
the contrary, there are occasions when a Colonel
may even argue with his men. For instance, to
quote sect. 7, par. 442, "Commanding Officers of
Regiments who have ample experience of the very
great inconvenience arising from the improvident
marriages of Soldiers, are to discountenance such
marriages, and to explain to the men that the in-
convenience and distress naturally accruing there-
from are serious and unavoidable." Of course,
unmarried Colonels, who have not had "ample
experience," should depute the duty to the next
Senior Married Officer. The speech of the Officer
to the Man should be fashioned on the following
model:—" Private Smith, I learn from the Cap-
tain of your company (himself a married man, who
made his report to me with tears of compassion
streaming down his cheeks) that you wish to join
us ! My good man, have you considered the incon-
venience and distress accruing from such a step ?
Look at me. You see me in a patrol jacket covered
with braid, and at "a Levee I am a mass of gold
and spurs; and yet I tell you, Private John
Smith, I would willingly give up my commission
to obtain your good-conduct stripes, coupled with
your state of single blessedness. As a married
man, I cannot call my life my own. I am allowed
only a couple of glasses of wine when I get away
to dine at Mess ; I must be in quarters at ten;
and when I am off duty I have to take charge of
the children ! All this is done by the order of my
wife. Beware, Private John Smith, of _ matri-
mony ! I would say much, much more did I not
hear the voice of my wife. She calls me (in a
disgracefully peremptory tone of voice), and I
must obey! Farewell!" And with this telling
line the Colonel (or next Senior Married Officer) can
make his exit.

Again, the Queen's Regulations (sect. 15, par.
95) assert that Libraries and Recreation Rooms
have been established to "encourage Soldiers to
employ their leisure hours in a manner that shall
combine amusement with the attainment of useful
knowledge, and to teach them the value of sober,

regular, and moral hr, bits." Thus if the Officers do
33r duty to their Men, Sir Gaenet Wolseley s
"peculiar animal "may some day hope to reach