Punch (71.1876)

October 21, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

169

Clyde. The Parson starts back—and now the narrative had better
take a dramatic form.

Vicar {aghast with horror). "What, Giles ! You would disgrace
your name and family!

Giles. Nay, Reverend Sir, I would but don the Queen's Livery. I
shall get good food, excellent exercise, a gymnasium, a library, and
be taught a trade. A Doctor will look after my body, and one of
your own kind will look after my soul. Surely this is a tempting
picture ?

Vicar. Vicious and silly boy, can nothing stop you from this deed
of madness ?

Giles. Nothing, your Reverence, but argument.

Vicar {wrathfully). It is not a matter for argument.

Giles. Pardon me, Reverend Sir, but it seems to me that the bar-
gain is a good one. All the year round I shall be sure of roof, board,
and wages. I shall belong to an honoured profession.

Vicar {more wrathfully). An honoured profession ! Maniac, will
you promise to put aside this silly fancy ?

Giles {entreatingly). Oh, call it not a silly fancy! I have looked
into the figures, and-

Vicar {most wrathfully). You refuse! Then may a Vicar's curse,
&c, &c.! [Sce?ie closes in.

Say that poor Giles braves the Parson's ill-opinion, he then will
have to appear before a Magistrate, who will warn him of the
wickedness of the step he proposes to take. From first to last every-
body he meets will attempt to stop him, denouncing Soldiers as
ne'er-do-wells and the Queen's uniform as a badge of disgrace.
Should he after all this persevere in his determination to enter the
Army, then he may proudly call himself a hero—he will find himself
duly qualified to lead the forlornest of Forlorn Hopes.

conversation on section IV.

Mr. Punch. My dear Pupils, can you tell me what a Forlorn

Hope is ?

Ensign Eugene. To expect to recruit a Volunteer Regiment with-
out prizes and entertainments,

Colonel Charles. To expect to undergo a month of Military
Manoeuvres without incurring a private expenditure (to be defrayed
by the Officers) of a couple of hundred pounds sterling.

Lieutenant and Captain George. To imagine any Military Man
will be satisfied with any scheme proposed by the War Office.

Field-Marshal Sir Frank Geegee, K. C.JB. Dear little Sir Frank
knows. It would be a Forlorn Hope for anyone to think he could
make any use of dear little Sir Frank in the case of a European
war.

Mr. Punch. My dear Pupils, you have all answered my question
so admirably, that I can dismiss you without any further examina-
tion.

Ensign Eugene. My dear Mr. Punch, before you go can you tell
me why the Clergy are so opposed to the Army ?

Mr. Punch. Certainly, my dear Ensign Eugene, of the Volunteers.
The Clergy are opposed to the Army because they like to do all the
fighting amongst themselves.

"Our (Old) Boys."

When will Our Boys have ceased to run ?

'' When ? " we ask. Echo answers '' When ? "
To all appearance, not until

Our Boys have run into Old Men.

LOW SPIRITS.

hades of the mighty Dead,
whose mem'ries fling
A' halo round the tomb,
whose arms are blazoned
On dim memorial windows,

and whose fames
Hallow the fanes which

house your monuments,
Is this your task-work in

that other world,
To rattle chairs and rap on

furniture ?
To write with bits of pencil

on a slate
Ill-spelt, unmeaning mes-
sages for fees
To Sledge, the medium of

revelations
That tell of no great past,

reveal no clue
To the dark future, work no

present good ?
Can it be that this surrepti-
tious hand
That plays bo-peep, behind

backs pulls my hair,
And'neath the table plays
about my legs,
Was once an Emperor's ? Is't possible,
These knocks which rap out trivial common-place,
And drop the H in spelling " 'Ow d' ye do ? "
Come from the spirit-fingers that in life
Worked gallant Walter Raleigh's fiery will ?
If this be really so, Punch can but say
However rotten this our world may be,
There's something yet more rotten in the next!

PAPERS FOR PARSONS.

One among the various subjects discussed at the late Church Con-
gress in relation to clerical matters was the question of " Periodical
Literature and the Daily Press." According to a report of the
speeches on that topic :—■

" The Eev. Ernest Fitzroy wished that the Clergy would not only take
more trouble to supply interesting and early matter to their own organs, but
advised them to make more use of the country papers, and to read other papers
than those which advocated their own shibboleths."

To be sure. On the contrary, let the Clergy of conflicting sects in
the Church look and see what the journals on the other side have to
say. No doubt the Evangelicals, for instance, might learn much
from the Saturday Review, and the Ritualists would gain informa-
tion by reading the Record and the Rock. Clergymen of the
Ritualist denomination also would do well to study a class of perio-
dicals addressed not indeed to the opposite party, but to the opposite
sex. Every one of the Clergy whose cloth is chiefly muslin ought to
have Le Follet at his fingers' end ; and besides, there are the Queen,
and the Englishivomati's 3fagazine, and Myra's Journal of Dress
and Needleioorh, containing the prettiest illustrations, as well as
letter-press, from which the reverend devotees of Ritualism might
derive no end of useful hints and suggestions for the most charming
improvements and inventions of sweet things in ecclesiastical
millinery.

Precepts for Parvenues.

Never bow to your acquaintances from the top of an omnibus.
Never wear a flower in your buttonhole in the daytime.
Never acknowledge you have earned your fortune by labour.
Never " mop " your brow with a red silk pocket-handkerchief.
Never mention at a dinner-party what your fish-bill comes to in
the week.

Never go in morning dress to the stalls of a theatre.

Never give less than a shilling for a farthing play-bill.

Never speak of Pantomines or 'Ansows.

Never wear a diamond-pin in your shirtfront.

Never parade in conversation the only Baronet you know.

Never speak familiarly of Lords you have never met.

Finally, Look as if every place you enter belonged to you.

Enfants Terribles.—Woolwich Infants.