Punch (71.1876)

November 4,

1876.]

PUNCH, OB, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

189

THE BICYCLE NUISANCE; OR, A RULE OF THE ROAD WANTED.

Victim of Bicycle Riders (to her Groom). "Charles, do ask them which side they expect me to go?

" We do a deal of tinkering1, don't we ? " commented John Bull
Junior. "Thejoke of the thing is, the Public never knows the
exact cost of a ship. Say we turn out the Tea Kettle for £20,000 ;
well, before twelve months are over, repairing the Tea Kettle,
putting in fresh engines, and replacing the old masts, and changing
the timbers of the keel, and all that sort of thing, you know, runs
the original £20,000 into six figures. Hallo, Sir! And how are
you ? "

This salutation was addressed to an old Gentleman, wearing a
very gorgeous uniform. The old Gentleman smiled, and .put up
an ear-trumpet. The question was repeated.

"Oh, thank you! thank you! " said he; "I am as well as can
be expected. I don't like the noise and the bustle; but they are
all very kind to me, and tell me what to do. Still I prefer my
nice quarter-deck, in a quiet harbour, to all this confusion. But
you must really excuse me ; for if any of my men see me, they will
be sure to ask me some awkward questions, about their work; and
then, dear me, what should 1 do ? "

"The Superintendent of our Dockyard, Sir," answered John
Bull Junior, as the old Gentleman hobbled off; "an Admiral,
Sir, and, as they would say in Sullivan's Trial by Jury, ' A good
one, too.'"

Punch and his companion now passed a number of "Warrant-
Officers, who seemed to have much spare time upon their hands.

"The Carpenters, .Sir," explained the young man. "In the
Guv'nor's days they used to look after the building of their ships,
and when they were built lived in 'em until they were tugged into
dock to be_ broken up. Now-a-days we keep 'em hanging about
until we think they are wanted."

The Sage and his guide were now in an office. Scattered over the
floor were dusty bundles of papers, tied up with red tape, and on the
walls were plans of foreign Iron-clads.

"Not bad these," said John Bull Junior, pointing to the plans;
"we shall build some like 'em, some day. Take a weed ? "

" I never smoke in office hours," replied Punch, drily.

" I do," observed the young man, as he leisurely lighted a cigar.
" Snug hole this ? This is where I do my work. What's that you
are looking at ? " ■

" A list of the British Navy," read Punch.

"Ah! now call out the names of some of the ships, and I will
tell you where we should send them in the case of war."
" The Vanguard,'" murmured Punch.

"Well," laughed the young man, "we should leave her where
she is, to protect the bottom of the sea."

" The Alexandra, one of the largest of our Iron-clads ? "
" Disabled for the present. Both blades of her screw bent."
" The Rover, one of our new corvettes ? "

"Also disabled for the present. Came to grief over the mea-
sured mile."

" The Valorous ? "

" In port. Her machinery went wrong."

" The Opal, the Hydra, the Boadicea f All fine ships."

"Well, they have broken down, too."

" And the Thunderer f "

" Now you are chaffing me, Sir," said John Bull Junior.You
know as well as I do that the Thunderer blew up, and--"

"Chaffing you, Sir!" angrily interrupted Punch. "Do you
tbink that the efficiency of the British Navy is a matter for chaff ?
Why, Sir, upon our Navy depends the greatness and grandeur of
our mighty Empire ! Without the sovereignty of the sea England
(whose flag floats in every quarter of the world) would sink into the
condition of a fourth-rate power. And you, with these mighty
interests at stake, dare to talk to me of chaff ! "

And Punch brought his fist down with such force that the shock
woke him.

And when Punch was awake he only wished that he had been
dreaming !

On several occasions lately Captain Shaw has been able to report
that there were " no fires in the Metropolis." Considering the price
of Coals, this is not surprising.

Commercial Intelligence [In advance of November 9th).—
Cotton is fallen.