Punch (71.1876)

November 4, 1876.1 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 195

MR. PUNCH'S GUIDE TO THE ARMY.

Section V.—An Officer's Duties in Pea.ce and "War.

hen Mr. Punch met his
Pupils in the ante-
room, to deliver his
customary Lecture, he
found them all look-
ing; deeply grieved.
Colonel Charles,
of the Royal East
Mudborough Militia,
Ensign Eugene, of
the Volunteers, and
Lieutenant and
Captain George, of
the Grenadiers Green,
were surrounding
poor dear little Field-
Marshal Sir Frank
Geegee, K.C.B., who
was weeping bitterly.

"Why, whatt's the
matter ? " cried Mr.

Punch, genuinely alarmed at his poor little favourite's weakly-expressed
distress.

" It is too had ! " drawled Lieutenant and Captain George, of the Grena-
diers Green. " A fellow has written to the papers to say that the miserable
little chap should be retired."

"Why ? " asked Mr. Punch, in a tone of surprise.

" Because he had had sixty-eight years' service! " exclaimed the Lieutenant
and Captain, indignantly. "Why, I never heard of such a thing! The
Service, Sir, is going to the deuce ! "

"Why, the next thing they will do will be to go into that other extreme,"
eried Colonel Charles; "they will retire all Militia Captains under two
years' service. If they do, all the companies of the Iloyal East Mudborough
Militia will be commanded by Sub-Lieutenants ! "

" My dear Pupils," observed Mr. Punch, with a smile, "you maybe sure that
it will be quite safe. Anything suggested by a civilian will never be adopted
by the Authorities of Pall Mall." js™.

Dear little Sir Franky was soon consoled by the promise (given by Mr.
Punch) that the most powerful influence should be exercised on bis behalf to
secure for him either the post of Constable of the Tower or the Governorship
of Chelsea Hospital. When the sweet little man was smiling once more, the
Sage of Sages commenced his Lecture :—

Part I. In Times of Peace*—The general duties of Officers in time of peace
should be to popularise the Army as much as possible in the places where they
may for the time be stationed. Of course the Colonel, as the Commandant,
should take the lead._ Sir Garnet Wolseley, in his excellent Soldier's Pocket-
Booh, to which allusion has already been made, has (at page 13) given " what
all Officers should carry in their heads." Amongst the suggestions appears the
following excellent piece of advice: " Accustom yourself to time the pace_ at
which you travel, to count the number of telegraph poles there are to a mile,
and so ascertain how many yards they are apart," &c. In the same fashion
the Commanding Officer should visit the resident Gentry with a view to ascer-
taining their tastes, &c. He should make it a point to drop in at Five o'clock
Tea, with the intention of discovering the number of marriageable daughters,
the penchants of their mothers, &c. Having made the necessary "observa-
tion," he should next proceed to detail the duties of his subordinates. Thus,

he should tell off Major Twentystun to Brigade Drill,
examination of Defaulters' Books, and Whist at penny
points with the local Vicar. The Captains, after their
companies have been paid and dismissed, should be
ordered to judging distances at Lawn Tennis, and Skating
Pink Drill. The Subalterns, who are required to act
as supernumeraries on Court-Martials, by the Oueen's
Regulations, might perform similarly honorary duties
on Ladies' Committees for Hospital Balls or Charitable
Fancy Fairs. In all cases the Commanding Officer should
from time to time visit the various places at which he
may have stationed his Officers, to see that their duties
are being properly performed. Thus he should drop in
at the Vicar's, and say, heartily, "Hallo, Twentystun,
another revoke! " He can do no harm in helping a
long-service Captain round the Pink, when he discovers
that long-service Captain clumsily attempting to master
the difficulties of the outer edge ; and he should occasion-
ally inspect the Ladies' Committees, to see that his Subs
are making themselves generally agreeable.

The Commanding Officer should be always ready to
give his subordinates " a lead " in everything. For in-
stance, should amateur theatricals be in vogue in the
town in which his Regiment is stationed, he should be
prepared at a moment's notice to cast himself for the
parts of "the Prince of Denmark" in Hamlet, and as
"the guilty Thane" in Macbeth. The facts that he
weighs over twenty stun and has not the faintest notion
of acting should not damp his ardour. In Cavalry Regi-
ments circuses and nigger minstrels have frequently been
organised. When this has been the case, the Colonel
should assume the principal characters himself—Clown
to the circus, and "Centre Man" to the niggers. He
must keep up the dignity of his rank even off parade.
In like manner the two Majors should be told off to
perform the dual duties (bones, tambourines, and jokes)
appertaining to the post of " Corner Men."

The other Officers should play a game of follow their
leader. They should flirt, sing, and make themselves
amiable. Their regimental duties should take about a
twelfth of their time—they can devote the rest of their
leisure to their friends. As it has been made a punish-
ment to have to wear uniform, they should dress them-
selves when they can in mufti. Of course fashions
change, but the costume most popular at the present
moment is a rig out which is equally suggestive of the
tourist and the livery stable keeper.

Part II. In Times of War.—The whole duty of a
British Officer in the time of War is to remember that he
is a British Officer, and—to behave as such !

Conversation on Section V.

Ensign Eugene. My dear Mr. Punch, I have been
studying the Field Exercises, and really they appear to
me to be very difficult.

Mr. Punch. The directions, my dear Ensign Eugene,
of the Volunteers, are certainly sometimes a little
obscure. No doubt the excellent compiler of Bradshaio,s
Raihvay Guide had a voice in the editing of all military
books of instruction. But now let me hear how you
would each of you dismiss your men. We will pass
over dear little Sir Frank Geegee, K.C.B., as he is
out of spirits, and come to you, Colonel Charles, of
the Royal East Mudborough Militia.

Colonel Charles. My usual word of command, Sir, is
"Umps! Umps! Umps! " The Adjutant invariably
gives it the necessary interpretation.

Mr. Punch. Very good. And how, my dear Lieu-
tenant and Captain of the Grenadiers Green,—how would
you dismiss a parade ?

lieutenant and Captain George. Oh, by telling the
Sergeant-Major, or some fellow of that sort, that 1 was
off for the day.

Mr. Punch. Yes ; and you, my dear Ensign Eugene,
of the Volunteers ?

Ensign Eugene. I should let my men see a clock
pointing to five minutes to the time of the departure of
the last train, and the Regiment would dismiss itself
without word of command. But to return to the Mili-
tary guide-books. Are not the foreign ones much
simpler than ours ?

Mr. Punch. Much, my dear Pupils. I am happy to
gay that this simplicity has been partly taught by the
action of English Soldiers. When foreigners have had
to meet British Infantry they have found one word of
command amply sufficient—" Bolt! "