Punch (71.1876)

December 2, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 239

ATHLETES AND ANIMALS.

J ne of our country

papers chronicles a
§|f|l||§k game at Football, en-
jffllllv^^^ titled " Scratch. Team
mlliuuwftl v' Grammar School."

ma5r ^e necessary

lIluiHluirl ^° exI^a'n i°r the in-
[mm f] jmf formation of readers

iWilll 1/ W wno> aware of the

^VUlJJ^p^ scuffling, cuffing,

smss^ " hacking," and like

<3^^',^M(^<i^^^) ^x^"^—f =^-------- amenities now-a-days

^^fe^^^X^s^ J \/Sh ' ' ~ incidental to the manly

__ game of Football, are

-n ' ignorant, however, of

\3 M sporting slang, that

u\\ 2$____ the phrase a '' Scratch

^^^^^^^^U^K-rMW€ Team" of Football-

^^^^^^^^^^^|Mjl^l(Es ^ , ''J players does not mean

' ^^^^^^i^^^^T^ ^ ^at their playing is

4% distinguished by the

TZ^^^^ peculiarityof scratch-

" ' ' jR^^"^ V _'—o~> vhy a set or side of

\ ^5V^ y ' \'x players, or competitors

_ A C JP* I \ | wxV1' \l1 A in any kind of match

~/ - -^^^L i' ~" u^' \BJ nas utterly come to

When we consider the
increasing estimation

athletic sports are held in, and the'great and growing importance everywhere
attached to them, and especially in our principal seats of learning, it seems as
though that word, as applied to those persons, implies an indignity. The kind
of men, too, who give their minds chiefly to muscular pastimes and emulation
in manly prowess, surely underrate their own intelligence in submitting to be
styled a Team, as if they went on all fours. It is excessive humility of them
to accept, and even adopt for a number of their noble selves, a denomination once
limited to beasts of burden—especially bestowed on oxen, horses, and asses.

A WORKING MAN'S QUESTION.

One of the many good old English maxims which have
now come to be honoured by observance in a modified
sense, is the admonition to " Mind your Own Business."
It; is so observed by all those benevolent persons who
make their neighbours' business their own. Thus do
Societies for interference with other people's habits and
conduct, and for limiting and restricting the personal
liberty to which they are at present entitled, mind their
own business. As, for instance, the Society undernamed
in a newspaper paragraph:—

" The He-Marriage of Divorced Persons.—The Church
of England Working Men's Society for Promoting Freedom of
"Worship and the Preservation of her Eights and Liberties on the
Basis of the Book of Common Prayer, have resolved to memo-
rialise the archbishops and bishops, asking them to use their
influence with the clergy in their various parishes to prevent
the remarriage of divorced persons."

The expenses of a suit in the Probate and Divorce
Court are so far above the means of the working classes,
that sticklers for equality before the law have suggested
the expediency of enabling them to obtain, if needful,
the deliverance now possible only for the wealthier
classes, and therefore to sue for divorce, on just
grounds, in the County Court or before a Magistrate.
Hence, it is obvious how particularly working men,
whether of the Church of England or any other denomi-
nation, are concerned in the Divorce question. _ To be
sure, there is no immediate prospect of cheap divorce ;
but it may come at last—the thin end of the wedge
driven home, and divorce, if requisite, brought to every
man's door. Now, taking the benefit of the Divorce
Act, so far as to re-marry, is contrary to the principles
of the Church of England's Working Men's Society ; but
there are plenty of other working men who would avail
themselves of it if they could, and, because they cannot,
some of them beat and kick the wives of whom there is
no other riddance for them, to death. It is the business
of these working men to see that those who are seeking
to prevent the re-marriage of divorced persons mind
their own.

THE DAY OF SMALL THINGS ;

Or, Wanted a Champion.

" Modern Man, whose food and drink are beset by Colorado beetles and
Phylloxera, whose clothing is threatened by pibrine, and whose life itself is
haunted by all sorts of minute spores, which so feed on his blood as to generate
fever, cholera, and a great variety of plagues, is obviously in one respect not
the better, but the worse for the knowledge which teaches him how to evade
the worst consequences of these plagues. . . Unquestionably either the
minute organic world is beginning to avail itself of the great advantages
which its all but invisibility gives it in competing with men, or . . a greater
importance is now attached to its proceedings, partly because the danger is
understood, and partly—perhaps even more—because the weaker constitution
of modern man is now so much protected against those dangers that the race
sulfers more, though the individuals suffer less."—The Spectator, on " The
New-found Enemies of Man."

Oh what were the Dragons, the Ogres, the Titans,

The whole Brobdingnagian world-wasting clan,
Compared with the infinitesimal Sheitans

Of infinite Lilliput, leagued against Man ?
Classical Hercules ! Jack of the nursery !

Champions vain 'gainst invisible foes.
Science's warnings raise terrors precursory ;

Where is her solace for germ-gendered woes f

Beetlesand Grasshoppers—bad enough, verily,

Marring our Murphies, and blighting our grain :
Now the Minute seems a-going it merrily;

Must the Colossal confront it in vain ?
Sword cannot stay it, and steam cannot cope with it,

Hundred-ton guns are more helpless than squirts.
Knowledge brings eyes, does it also bring hope with it ?

Tindall says " Yes," but he only asserts.

Six Southern States, in a league against Grasshoppers,
Find them a foe more redoubted than Grant :

bed-room, of course, and a warm hath before dinner. Pommery tres sec with
the gigot, Pomard with the wild duck, you dog, and apple fritters just to
flavour a liqueur. Don't forget the fritters. Can we bring anything in the
way of fish, oysters, &c, from Town with us ? If so, give it a name, and say
where you deal—so that there may be no mistake.—Yours ever, The Ed.

What are torpedoes to pests of the class " hoppers,"
Spoiling our crops just as fast as we plant ?

What says the canny Canadian Minister
Touching the Beetle that bothers us so ?

" Stopping his progress, as subtle as sinister,
Notion chimerical." Nice thing to know!

" Paris-green " palliates—egg-hunting sedulous

May somewhat limit the nuisance, no doubt.
Yet were that Paddy uncommonly credulous

Who would trust these his new foemen to rout.
Then those germ-poisons ! Oh Science keen-sighted,

Make haste with your cure,—diagnosis but stings :
With remedies comfort the folks you've affrighted,

And save us—oh ! save, in this day of small things!

Knockers and Nonsense.

Mres Broughton, in her last novel (is it to be her last?), Joan,
has invented the idiotic lover who covers with kisses the door-
knocker of the house in which his goddess dwells. If we are to
have another work of this class inflicted upon us, we may expect a
Romeo slobbering over the. area-rails of his Juliet, or washing the
front door-steps with his tears and a silk pocket-handkerchief, or
attempting suicide on the scraper. No wonder that Mr. Gilbey
does not wish his sherry to be mixed up—even in an advertising
connection—with such whine and water.

Mind Your Eyes!

Deah iMiii Punch

Our gallant discoverer's strictures on the charts of his
predecessors will, it is to be hoped, make Arctic voyagers careful
for the future.

" Ne sordida mappa
Corruget nares."

Yours truly,

Horatius Restittjtus.

Table-Tttrkikg,—Looking for a train in Bradshaiv.