Punch (71.1876)

248

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 9, 1876.

THE FIGHT OVER THE SCHOOL-BOARD.

Poor Education! Like a lamb beset by wolves and vultures !
How should she trim the balance fair 'twixt clashing creeds and
cultures ?

All friends to her, but angry foes d butrance to each otber ;
She, standing where the Champions close, can scarce tell one from
t'other.

To teach small Bill his A.B.C., or little Sue her sewing,
One well may ask is that a task to set the war-horns blowing ?
But then of course the job will look much harder, and far ampler,
If Bill must have a Baptist Book, and Sue a High Church
Sampler.

The Three R.'s, muddled by a fourth,—Religion,—like the compass,
With endless " points " from south to north,—for chief result read
rumpus.

To give the young what reason asks, and simple prudence urges,
Were sure the easiest of tasks, but for the Boanerges.

The Scbool-Board, spread with spare repast, must have "Church
Pie " for centre,

And every guest must vote that best, nought less will e'er content her.
While keen Dissent, who loathes the dish, would sooner sweep the
table

Than feed one hungry mouth on fare with that particular label.

Oh clumsy caterers! Ignorance comes, what time you scowl and
mutter,

And lures your guests to other food,—the garbage of the gutter.
Fie, Gentlemen ! The common foe demands your banded forces ;
To cut the ground from under him will tax your joint resources.

But still the Churchman slangs Dissent, and both bethump the
Papist,

And Nothingarians venom vent all round. No dull Red-Tapist
Could so adroitly block the way, that lay so fair before us,
As each hot Ass who lifts his bray to swell the angry chorus.

Bring not into the Schoolroom, Sirs, your doxies or your schisms,
The spelling - book and slate are not the ground for warring
isms ;

The Alphabet need not be mixed with shibboleths Sectarian,
Monopoly but masquerades in guise humanitarian.

Fight fair, and in another field. Side-issues fog the unwary.
What you all mean is "our side up," although your voices
vary.

Proud " Mother Church" should be too proud to flash false lights
like rockets,

And conscience seek to circumvent by sly appeal to—pockets!

THE NAVY OF THE FUTURE.

[By Submarine Telegraph.)

Gibraltar, 3rd Dec, 1896.
The Enemy's fleet was signaUed early yesterday morning. It
was composed of eighty Ironclads, all carrying thirty-three feet of
armour plating, but with no armament heavier than the old-fashioned
300-ton Gun. It was soon ascertained that the Fleet had received false
intelligence about the movements of the Wasp (our Mediterranean
Gunboat, built to carry a 2,000-ton Gun, the latest achievement of
the combined Woolwich and Elswick Factories), and believed that
it might be possible to take Gibraltar by a coup de main during the
absence of her little protector. By two o'clock the Enemy's Fleet
was well within range of the Wasp's gun, but her Commander pre-

ferred to allow the Ironclads to approach within a radius of fourteen
miles. At this short range the Wasp opened fire, to the consterna-
tion of the Admiral in command of the Enemy's Fleet. It was,
however, too late to escape. Fifty out of the eighty Ironclads were soon
disposed of—smashed and sunk. The remainder hauled down their
flags. Divers are at work on the scene of action, clearing away the
submarine debris. The Wasp has lately received an important
increase to her fighting force of two Marines and Artillerymen. Her
complement is now fourteen hands, all told.

unpardonable absence.

Getting- home on a cold foggy night, and finding that your fire
has " gone out."