Punch (71.1876)

December 9, 1876.J PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

251

He pressed her gloved palm with his right hand, while with his
left he warmly grasped the little eight-and-a-quarter kid that con-
cealed from the prying gaze the delicately turned Lflngers of the
lovely Lady Di.

_ The Honourable Pullman Cabe gave a low sneering laugh, as,
linking his arm in that of the noble Italian sportsman, Count
Fabbago di Nonsenza, he whispered maliciously, "Which is the
favourite ? "

At this instant the gay party was suddenly startled by a loud
report, followed by a piercing shriek, issuing from the Training
Stables.

Sib Thomas burst open the door and ran into the yard.

(To be continued.)

MR. PUNCH'S GUIDE TO THE ARMY.

Section VII.

oncebning pbomotion.

When Mr. Punch re-
sumed his seat in the ante-
room he found his poor little
friend Field-Maeshal Sib
Feanky Geegee, K.C.B.,
in great distress. The
melancholy and diminutive
veteran was spelling over
an Army List with the aid
of a powerful magnifying
glass. Upon inquiring the
cause of his protege's distress
Mr. Punch was informed
that the broken-hearted
Field-Marshal was crying
over the fact that he was
the Colonel of only one
Regiment instead of four.

"My dear little friend,"
said Jar. Punch, "you must
remember that the Colonelcy
of a Eegiment is only given

much as possible. Anxiety to be shown in getting up Regimental
Balls, Regimental Drags, Regiment Harriers, and Regimental Ex-
penses generally. A Breast-Pin with the cypher of the Regiment
should be habitually worn with this style.

The Humorous Style— Great attention to be paid to "good things"
at mess. Laughter should always be at hand to welcome the
Colonel's puns. The latest comic songs should be rehearsed daily.
The banjo and the bones should be used with his style.

The Brotherly Style.—A nick-name to be adopted without hesi-
tation. No objection to be shown to practical jokes. Individual
property to be merged in the wealth of the Regiment. Promissory
notes to be signed freely. The words " dear old chappy " constantly
uttered with this style.

By adopting one of the above "rules of life" an officer should
have little difficiilty in securing promotion. It is necessary, how-
ever, that he should be careful to class his Colonel in the proper
style, or the " confidential report "upon his conduct may be the
reverse of satisfactory.

Part II. By Interest.—If an officer have sufficient interest to
carry Mm up ihe tree of promotion, he need Dot trouble himself
about his surroundings. If it is known that he is "looked
after" at head-quarters, his Colonel will be chary of writing any-
thing to his disparagement. HoAvever, if he finds his regimental
duties a bore, he shoidd take some steps to be presented with a staff
appointment. As an aide-de-camp he should enjoy the maximum
of comfort for the minimum of responsibility.

convebsation on section VII.

Ensign Eugene. My dear Mr. Punch, you have just spoken of a
" Confidential Report." Can you kindly tell me what it is ?

Mr. Punch. Certainly my good Ensign Eugene of the Volun-
teers. A "Confidential Report" is the document sent in annually
by a Commanding Officer to the General of his district. Sooner or
later it reaches the War Office. In this report a sketch is given (con-
fidentially) of the conduct of every officer of the Regiment, from the
senior Major down to the junior subaltern. Now, imagine all.of you
that you have to send in a Confidential Report. Say what conduct
would you consider meriting the censure of "highly unsatisfac-
tory."

Colonel Charles. If I found one of my Officers disrespectful to
me. If he addressed me without my military title out of the
training, and was inclined to criticise my knowledge of the Drill

tinguished warrior as a sort
of pension. Say that a man
has fought and bled for his country in'half-a-dozen campaigns, has
married, and reared a large family, and at seventy or eighty years
of age is past work, and wants an addition to his scanty pay. Then
it is that the Government presents him with a Colonelcy."

" Oh, Sib Feanky sees it all now," cried the little Field-Marshal,
clapping his hands with pleasure. " Sib Feanky understands now
why the Duke of Cambbldge is Colonel of the Rifie Brigade, the
Royal Artillery, a Regiment of Guards, and the 17th Lancers."

Mr. Punch coughed (to clear his throat), and continued his
lectures.

Part I. By Merit.-—An officer having chosen his Regiment, his
next care will be to rise as rapidly as possible in the ranks of the
Army List. His ambition will lead him from Sub-Lieutenant to
Lieutenant, from Lieutenant to Captain, and from thence to the
glories of gilt spurs and brass scabbards. In these days of " selec-
tion," when money goes for little or nothing, he will have to depend
much upon himself, and scarcely at all upon his banker's account.
As the Colonel gives the tone to the Regiment, it will be as well for
him to carefully study the peculiarities of his commanding officer,
with a view to forming his own conduct upon the example set to
him. As the Army is composed of all sorts and manners of men, he
may have to assume any number of disguises as he passes from bat-
talion to battalion. He may rest assured, however, that one of the
following "styles" (with mild modifications calculated to suit
the variety of each peculiar case) may be relied upon as a trust-
worthy pattern.

The Sedate Style.—Punctuality on Parade. Slight Sermons after
the reading of the Order-Book. No violent language. Delight in
serious Penny-Readings. Patronage of Sunday-Books, Missions,
and Total-Abstinence. If the Colonel is very extreme (and has an
extreme Wife), a little Sunday Preaching at the corners of thorough-
fares may be indulged in occasionally. Spectacles (if possible,
tinted) should be adopted with this style.

The Soldier-like Style.—Great smartness. Orders, answers, and
general information snapped out in words of one syllable. In
moments of excitement strong language may be permittted. Great
severity to be used to culprits appearing on Parade with a button
badly polished.. Much "Military Shop" (off Parade) should be
talked with this style.

The Peacock Style.—Gorgeous garments on all occasions. Much
zeal for the " credit of the Regiment." Duties on Parade shirked as

to some venerable and dis- \ ^ ^n the itegiment was embodied. All this, Sir, I should

consider " highly unsatisfactory."

Mr. Punch. My dear Colonel Chables, of the Royal East Mud-
borough Militia, I have no doubt you would. And you, Ensign
Eugene, of the Volunteers, what conduct would you consider
" highly unsatisfactory."

Ensign Eugene. Why, of course, if he didn't pay his subscription.
Mr. Punch. And you, Lieutenant and Captain Geoege, of the
Grenadier Guards (Green), can you tell me ?

Lieutenant and Captain George. I should say his conduct was
"highly unsatisfactory" if he belonged to a bad set, and was fool
enough to offend his Colonel.

Mr. Punch. My dear pupils, you are all right, a fact that
proves that a "confidential report" must always be an exceed-
ingly valuable document.

TO THE WAITS.

(A pre-dated Prayer.)

Why banish slumber with your Yule-tide lays,

Scare sweet forgetfulness from toil-worn wights,
And make the month that brings the Best of Days,

Bring worst of nights ?

Let Sleep knit up the ravelled sleave of Care ;

Drive it not from me with your " Church Bells' Chime,''
I'm not a sheet, to need an extra air

In winter time.

" Beautiful Spring," intruding on my snore,

Comes down on Dreamland like a sudden blight;
A beautiful spring mattress pleases best

In dead of night.

I '11 let you " like a soldier fall," in fight,

Or 'neath your tent in war-time lay your head ;
But, please, in peace let me have out my night,

In my tent bed.

At least be sure that when, on Boxing Day,

Beadle and bell-ringer besiege my gate,
For clink of coin their music to repay,

The Waits may—wait I