Punch (71.1876)

December 9, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

255

KNIGHTS OF THE THISTLE.

a i i

o

CI mart City men who give half-
crowns to box-keepers.
Bores who call upon literary
men at the busiest time of the day.

Silly persons who send subjects
for Cartoons to Punch. _

Unprincipled
asses who send Mr.
Punch his own
jokes, a week old,
as original.

Fussy nobodies
who convene subur-
ban meetings _ to
consider questions
of imperial impor-
tance.

" Comic " Actors
who supplement
their Authors' words
with balderdash of
their own.

Four-fifths of the
" plungers" on the
Stock Exchange.

Young Gentle-
men who go on to
the Turf.
Amateur Actors, as a rule.
Amateur Authors, with scarcely an exception.
Believers in Spiritualism who are cheated but do not cheat.
" Constant Readers " who write to the newspapers about the state
of the weather.
Volunteer Firemen.
Some of the officials at the War Office.
Many of the officials at the Admiralty.
Practical jokers.

Silly Subalterns who are fond of " bear-fighting."
Noodles who tell long stories.
Ladies' Men generally.

Idiots who indulge in dangerous figures on the Skating Rinks.

Snobs who create disturbances in places of public entertainment.

Shouters of treason and writers of ribaldry.

People with missions.

Sneerers at Morality.

Scoffers at Religion.

Mock cynics and sham philosophers.

And, lastly, all other Donkeys whose particular characteristics
have not been set forth in the above list.

SONGS FOE THE SLUMS.

Somebody or other has been somewhere or other reported to have
said to somebody or other that, if he had the making of the songs of
a nation, it would not matter much who had the making of its laws.
Had Mr. Punch let fall this saying, there might have been some
truth in it; for not many Acts of Parliament can ever be so bene-
ficial to the British Nation as the poetry of Punch. Parliament,
indeed, might quickly shut up shop if the country listened solely to
the wisdom of its Punch. But unluckily it happens that the songs
of Mr. Punch are not the only ones now published, and there is
abundance of good work in store for Parliament to counteract the
evil influence of the bad songs which are made.

Only fancy what egregious fools would sit in Parliament if the
law-makers of England were selected from the writers of its popular
street-songs ! Imagine what a farce legislation would become if the
genius who produced, say, " Tommy, make room for your Uncle"
were entrusted with the task of framing an amendment to the
Education Act, or of bringing in a Bill' to codify our Civil Law!
And conceive what weighty wisdom from Punch and other law-
givers is required by way of antidote to the folly of the balderdash
squalled nightly at the Music Halls, whence it quickly is exported
wholesale to permeate the slums.

As it is probable that Lord Beaconsfield, or even Me. Glad-
stone^ but seldom pays a visit to these places of amusement, we
think it well for his enlightenment, and that of other Legislators,
to put forth a few specimens of songs that might be popular at any
of our Music Halls, if sung by vulgar singers and set to silly tunes.

(Specimen No. 1.)

"I'M SUCH A BASHFUL MAN!"

One day I strolled down Piccadilly,
Where a scrumptious Gal I met.

Her eyes they'd knock a feller silly ;

Her hair it was as black as jet.
" By Jove! " thinks I, soon as I spied her,

" Here's good-bye to Mary Ann ! " ,;- j
And so next step I hopped beside her,

'Cos I'm such a Bashful Man !

" Good morning, Miss," says I, politely.
"Does your Mammy know you 're out ?"

Then I squoze her fingers tightly,
Which it made her lips to pout.

Her shawl I offered for to carry-
One should be civil when one can—

Then I axed her for to marry,
'Cos I'm such a Bashful Man !

{And so on, and so on, for a score or so of verses, including the
encores, accompanied of course toith many meaning winks and
gestures, and tumultuous applause.)

(Specimen No. 2.)

" SPANKING JOE."

I')ia rollicking cadger as poor as a rat,
But I'm bold as a badger, and 'cute as a cat:
I'm a sweep by purfession, but prigging I do,
Which at Clerkenwell Session I've made my deboo.

Chorus (in which the enlightened audience join)—

Oh, ain't I just a jolly blade, the pace oh don't I go !

The gals all fall in love with me, they call me Spanking Joe !

With the gloves I'm a wunner, I'm up to all guards,
And you '11 find me a stunner at forcing the cards :
17m a bit of a lusher, and when I've a drop
I '11 knock any Crusher all over the shop !

Chorus (toith rapture at this hit at the constituted authorities)—■

Oh, ain't I just a jolly blade, the pace oh don't I go!
There ain't a Peeler has the pluck to face old Spanking Joe !

T attends all the races, I plays on the floot,
Like a Nigger's my face is, as black as a boot:
My address if you axes, of the street I've the key,
And I don't pay no taxes, 'cept for corfy and tea.

Chorus (tvith a snapping of the fingers at the Tax-Collector)—
Oh, ain't I just a jolly blade, the pace oh don't I go !
Of Income-tax I ain't afraid, my fortin is too low!

(Specimen No. 3.)
" PEETTY POLLY POUTER."

Pretty Polly Pouter,

She's a reg'lar out-and-outer,
For she won a prize for beauty at a Barmaid Show:

She looks so 'ristocratic,

Though she lives in a back attic,
And her mother keeps a milk-walk in the slums of Pimlico !

She can chaff a cove so sweetly,

She can tog herself so neatly ;
She's a skirt of scarlet satin trimmed with poppies in fulllblow:

And she sports a pink silk bonnet,

AVith blue butterflies upon it,
Which astonishes the milk-walk in the slums of Pimlico!

Since first I saw Miss Polly

I've been took quite melancholy,
For I asked her if she'd have me, and she said, "Oh, dear me, no!"

Now I feel my heart is blighted,

For I ne'er can be united
To sweet pretty Polly Pouter in the slums of Pimlico !

Lord Salisbury's Mission.

It is encouraging to have learnt, by various special telegrams,
that Lord Salisbury's Mission has prospered hitherto to the extent
of: his Lordship's partaking of sixteen grand dinners, private and
official, during his progress to the East.

The postprandial result appears to have been equally satisfactory ;
for a very special sub-marine telegram from Rome declares that
his Lordship's journey has "increased his hopes of the peaceful
result of the Conference."

It is almost superfluous to add that the telegram concludes by
stating, that our noble Representative at the proposed Conference
was to "dine" at eight o'clock with Sir Augustus Paget at the
Embassy aLPorta Pia.