Punch (71.1876)

258

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[December 9, 1876.

NOTES FROM OUR WELL-INFORMED MAN.

{Public and Confidential Addresses to the Editor.)

hese are days, Sir, in
which a Journal is be-
hind the Times, and
behind the Telegraph,
too, for the matter of
that, if not posted up
not only in the latest
news, but also in such
details of private in-
telligence, highly -
spiced, pressed and
condensed, of course,
as may interest and
delight its millions
of readers, and place
them in that enviable
position recognised by
all as " behind the
scenes." As to the
pleasures and charms
of being " behind the
scenes," that will be
a subject for another
letter. But as a
paper is nothing with-
out its gossip, and
its scandal, allow me
to be your Gossip,
though heaven fore-
fend I should be your
Scandal.

I do not profess to
give anything politi-
cal—I may ; but this
is not my object. I
shall not present you
with tit bits about our
dear Beaconsfield. No, Sir. Lejeu ne rant pas lachandelle. The
Jewis not worth the scandal, as Gwendolen might have said of Daniel
Deronda. Ah! why did not George Eliot adopt the motto I
suggested to that talented Authoress :—

"C'est l'amour, 1'amour, 1'amour,
Qui fait le Dan'I Deronda."

But perhaps it wasn't good enough for her. But to business. I
am Your Well-informed Man. I send this letter now on the spot,
because I happen to know that you will not get one from that flighty
Gentleman who goes about calling himself Your Representative.''
"But that I am prevented by a severe cold," as the Ghost of
HamleVs father said, " I could a tale unfold" about the above-
mentioned Contributor, which would make your quills stand on
end, like those of the fretful Porcupine.

By the way, what a voluminous writer the Porcupine ought to
be, if he'd only been brought up to it. But I suppose he never got
over the invention of steel pens ?

I met Your Representative going off into the country with—well,
that's no business of mine, of course—only if he sends you any of
what he calls his criticisms (! ! !—on my word, I can't find enough
notes of exclamation—for " admiration " is not the word I want—
to express my intense astonishment at his unblushing effrontery),
you may take my word for it—and I '11 meet him anywhere after-
wards—coffee for two, and pistols for one (myself)—that he has
not been to the Theatre he professes to write about. As I am the
Well-informed Man, let me prove it. I will tell you what is doing
everywhere, and what is going to be done. You shall be with me a
privileged person behind the scenes.

Drury Lane.—Me. Chatterton has determined upon producing
The Critic. The after-piece will be an Appeal to the Public ; of
course, there will be no pantomime at this house.

The Yokes Family are staying at Hawarden, and Mr. Gladstone
takes lessons in Sanskrit every morning, before breakfast, from Mr.
Fred Yokes. In the Afternoon the ex-Premier,—or, as he is called
at Hawarden, the Axe-Premier,—goes about axing riddles and cut-
ting jokes for dinner.

At the Adelphi and Princess's, Mr. Wills, author of Charles, his
Friend, and other capital Farces, will do the Pantomimes. He has
not yet chosen the subjects.

At the Folly.—It is whispered in my ear that Mr. Henry Irving
will appear here in a round of his favourite characters after Christ-
mas. The roof will be heightened, and the stage-door very consi-
derably enlarged to allow of his entrance. He is to play in one
new piece adapted from the French, entitled Coutts qui Coutts.
Great things are expected—as they always have been.

Mlle. Chaumont has presented Mr. E. Pigott, the Licenser of
Plays, with a new French Dictionary as a souvenir. There was
a private performance of Madame attend Monsieur at the Lord
Chameerlain's Office. The part of Monsieur by the courteous and
amiable licenser.

Mr. David James is engaged on a Yolume of Sermons. He will
retire from the Stage after the 3,000th night of Our Boys. His
only objection to becoming a Clergyman is purely technical. He
says he cannot believe in the success of any Establishment that
admits Orders.

When I was in Dorsetshire, I heard that Temple Bar was coming
down, though by what train was uncertain. Besides these gems of
information, I could give you.several highly interesting and equally
true, about most of our Public Men, but I think the above are suffi-
cient to prove that I am what I profess to be,

Your Well-informed Man.

A DISINTEEESTED COLUMN.

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Book for 1877.

A Beacon for Beaconsfielcl.

'Ware your Admiralty's masters
Still incurring fresh disasters :
Ships colliding, sunk, or sinking,
Safety valves for lack of thinking
Out of order, and exploding
Boilers, ill in warfare boding;
Arctic voyage stopped by scurvy.
Why ? No lime juice ? Topsy-turvy,
Such mishaps' concatenations
Oft have turned Administrations !

Technical Education. — Motto for Lady Helps: "Learn to
labour and to wait."—Longfellow.

A Hint for the Conference.—What Ottomans were made for.
To be sat upon. __

Laments Over Temple-Bar.—Childish.