Punch (71.1876)

January 6, 1877.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 299

LINES ON LATE HOURS.

(A Carol by Me. Killjoy.)

T home from night
till morning
every one who
will carouses,
But law paternal
limits open hours
for public-
houses,
Imposes upon Eng-
lishmenrestraint
of wine and was-
sail,

The Landlord of
the Castle's
house is not that
landlord's castle.

All Sumptuary
Laws are things
to raise a Briton's
dander.
But, if what's con-
diment for goose
were condiment
for gander,

Soon would restriction in this pump-and-platform-ridden nation
Be also put, by statute, on domestic dissipation.

The New Year at its finish, and the Old Year at its start is

Attended with festivities entitled " evening parties,"

Where, in contempt of Reason's voice, and sanitary warning,

Green Youth and Beauty dance from ten at night till four next morning.

With coffee, tea, or lemonade but few of them thirst slaking ;
Most of intoxicating drinks from time to time partaking—
Upon champagne and claret-cup, making what is called " merry,"
Not to say that " Specialite" which bears the name of " Sherry."

For six long hours too many a pair—unwise young man and maiden—
Breathe atmosphere with gas-fumes and carbonic acid laden,
Combustion's products from the jets which yield illumination,
As well as action of the skin, and human respiration.

They waltz in this foul atmosphere, nor think of what comes after,
Until, when supper-time arrives, with flirting, fun, and laughter,
They sit them down to eat and drink, and, heedless of health's question,
Rise, dance again, shake up their meals ; whence bile and indigestion.

Meanwhile what tongue can tell what woes their hapless seniors suffer,
The wallflower matron overblown, and corpulent old " buffer,"
In charge of marriageable girls, the daughters or the nieces
They've brought to market; or, that o'er, how happy their release is!

The elderlies, at least, would hail a measure of repression,
To be, perhaps, brought in upon a Wednesday in next Session—
A " Balls and Evening Parties Bill," which, penalties imposing,
Shall upon private Hosts enforce the rule of Early Closing.

ARTICLES DE PARIS.

Our neighbours, the Parisians, are wont to feel affronted if a suggestion is
thrown out that they can take nothing seriously.

What was known in old Rabelais' time, and still is called the badaucl 'de
Paris, exists in every class, nay, even dominates in the Assembly, as in the
streets, and among the newspaper readers. One cannot help being struck with
this in looking over the most popular journals now issued in the French capital.

At a moment when all eyes turn towards the East, whence the results of the
impending Conference may bring hope on the soft breath of Peace, or despair
through the brazen throat of War, the columns of French newspapers, which
only deserve the epithet of Serio-comic, teem with old calembourgs and
feeble jokes, more or less gross, and, in many cases, untranslateable to delicate
ears.

In some out-of-the-way corner of a page, or crushed between two long articles
on light social subjects, or two elaborate tirades of personal invective, may be
found a short paragraph, announcing some doubtful intelligence from Constan-
tinople, coupled with mythical details of our Special Ambassador's movements ;
but of serious information to guide contemporary opinion, and furnish historical
evidence for future generations, not a syllable!

The chroniqueurs can tell you what such an Actress wears even in her
dressing-room, or how such a public scandal in petticoats comports herself at
supper; but for weighty fact, and instructive comment on passing events, you
might as well look through the advertising columns of the Boulevard.

Take a number at hazard of Le Rasoir.

Where an Englishman would naturally turn to drink
in carefully weighed opinions on the leading topic of the
day, what do you find P—a sentimental article, taking up
four or five columns of the paper, on the charm of hang-
ing up stockings or shoes in the chimney, to be filled with
bonbons for the children! Then a Gentleman, who per-
haps signs himself Chauve-Souris, or Clodoche, treats le
publique le plus spirituel du monde, with a batch of spicy
anecdotes, beginning with an indecent Malapropism of
Mdlle. X., and ending with a dirty story attributed to
Baron R... Between.these you may, perhaps, discover,
after some investigation, a few lines, headed La Poli-
tique, commencing with a reference to Midhat Pasha,
and the Conference, and terminating in a series of notes,
evidently thought more likely to interest the readers of
the paper, concerning that dignitary's harem, and the
number and characteristics of the female slaves therein.

Then the inexperienced reader may commence what
he takes for an article, but turns out to be a flowery
advertisement of a new confiserie, or sweet-meat shop,
with Oriental descriptions of the sweets therein sold,
or of a depot for corsets, with elaborate variations on
the beauties of the Venus de' Medici and the charms
of the femme du monde.

We may be a "nation of shopkeepers," but we do not
allow silly or scabreux shop-puffs to monopolise the best
part of our leading journals.

Fancya a number of the Times appearing with the
following Table of Contents " under the clock " :—

Stjjemaey.

Leading Article.—The origin of Mistletoe; to which
is added an Analysis of Kissing.

Echoes of London.—Two extracts from Joe Miller,
three jokes from back numbers of Punch, and an
American after-dinner story, which Reynolds himself
might hesitate about publishing.

Parliamentary Reports.—Personal remarks on Oppo-
sition Members, and intimate details of the family life
of a Prime Minister.

Letter from Me. Rimmel in praise of his Perfumes.

From Windsor to Balmoral.—A short satire on the
Members of the Privy Council, made up of cracker
mottoes extracted from their public speeches.

Dramatic Notices.— Including a description of Me.
Charles Mathews's little dog, an account of an ac-
cident to Mes. Bancboet's kitchen-chimney, and an
anecdote of a little supper at Me. Toole's.

News of the Day.—How Me. Jones, the well-known
dentist, left his house this morning in the rain, and forgot
his umbrella, &c, &c, returning to obtain the desirable
property when the sun came out._

Or,—How last evening two policemen, usually on duty
at such and such a crossing, were taken off. This remiss-
ness on the part of the Superintendents at Scotland
Yard, caused a confusion which, &c, &c.

Really ? there is much which is not "done better in
France ; and, amusing as all this may be in a weekly
periodical, the daily Battle of Life (in England, at least)
demands a more solid literary commissariat.

WAITS AND MEASURES.

What a pity it is that London should^ be so far
behind Birmingham, where that energetic _ Chief of
Police, Majoe Bond, not satisfied with insisting on all
sly drinkers "toeing the line," under pain of fine or
imprisonment, has commenced a crusade against the
Waits, in the following grimly ascetic

"CAUTION.—Numerous complaints are made of the dis-
orderly conduct of Youths who go around the suburbs of the town
during the nights of 24th and 31st December, ' begging' under
the pretence of saying ' A Merry Christmas,' and ' A Happy New
Year.'

" All persons found so offending will be apprehended by the
Police, and charged with being disorderly characters.

" Police Office, " E. Bond, Major, Chief of Police.

" 19th December, 1876."

There! Birmingham is blessed with its own Bond.
London is free—worse luck !

Failing police protection against these Christmas noc-
turnal disturbers, might we not adopt the irate suggestion
of a misanthropic old Brute, who sends us the following
recipe :—" Keep in your bedroom a garden-engine, its
reservoir filled with ice-cold water, of which give any
Wait full measure."