Punch (71.1876)

January 6, 1877.J PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL

303

NEW LEAVES FOR THE NEW YEAR.

1!

Mr. Punch.—It is unnecessary, for obvious reasons, for this
gentleman to turn over any new leaf. His readers, however, may
turn over the new leaves of his new volumes.

Lord Beacons-
field. —To think
thrice before speak-
ing twice. To avoid
tbe Mansion House
Banquets. To try
to be more worthy
of the honoured
name of Disbaeli.
To give up Eastern
fancies for European
facts.

Mr. Gladstone.—
To curtail his con-
tributions to periodi-
cal literature. To
give up post-cards.
To buy an edition of
the "Works of Joseph
Millee, with a view
to learning the na-
ture of a joke. To
keep as a rule of life
the saying, '' that if
speech is silver, si-
lence is golden

Mr. Lowe.— To
give up epigrams.
To be sure of his
facts. To give up
party for patriotism.

Major O' Gor-
man.—To read En-
glish history. To
keep his speeches
intended for the House of Commons, for the columns of Punch.

Mr. H. J. Byron.—To give up inverted conundrums. To read
Sceiee. To learn the art of construction. To find out the meaning
of the words " Comedy," " Drama," " Wit," and " Repartee."
Mr. Henry Neville.—To uphold the dignity of the Drama.
Dr. Slade.—To give up his tables, pack up his clothes, and return
to America.

The Middlesex Magistrates.—To discover that no material dis-
tinction exists between the sauce used for the goose and the sauce
used for the gander.

Midhat Pasha.—To give up fancy pictures of impossible consti-
tutions. To learn that the Turkish for " Yes " is not the European
for "No."

The Sultan of Turkey.—To be worthy of a place in the Temple of
Fame, instead of a corner in the Chamber of Horrors.

Mr. Bright.—To read Alison's History of Europe. To undergo
a course of Military History at Sandhurst. To attend the Autumn
Manceuvres.

Professor Fawcett.—To call a spade an agricultural instrument.

The Directors of all the Railway Companies.—To mind their
stops. To shorten their servants' hours, and raise their pay. To
look to brakes instead of smashes.

All Bachelors and Spinsters between the Ages of Twenty and
Forty.—To marry.

All Bachelors and Spinsters over Forty.—To emigrate.

AN OLD CORRESPONDENT IN A NEW PLACE.
Dear Punch,

When the Peince of Wales was in India, I read with
great interest the letters of your Special Correspondent, but towards
the close of the series the pleasure which they gave me was greatly
marred by the cruel suspicions which you cast on the good faith of
your talented Representative by hinting that he had never gone to
India at all, but had written the letters at Gravesend, with the
assistance of a Hindoo crossing-sweeper !

I fear that, in your injustice, you went so far as to dismiss him.
But true genius cannot long remain hidden ; and my sorrow at your
harshness and your "Special's" misfortune was turned into joy on
reading in the Times of Christmas Day the account of the Vice-
regal procession at Delhi. No other hand but his could have penned
the following remarkable sentence :—

" Behind them came the remainder of the Body Guard and a squadron of
the 10th Hussars ; then the three Lieutenant-Governors, each on an elephant,
and each attended by his Staff; next the Members of Council, the Secretaries
to the Government, and the Chief Justices of Bengal and the North-Western
Provinces; then Solah Topees, looking singularly out of place in their judicial
robes."

It is many years since a Member of the House of Commons spoke
of "the ferocious doolies who rushed on to the battle-fields, and
carried off the wounded;'' but his fame in India will now be shared,
if not eclipsed, by the Times Correspondent, who has made the
English public for the first time aware of the existence of those
exalted members of the legal profession in India known as " Solah
Topees." Deep must now be your regret at having, by your hasti-
ness, allowed another journal to shine with an immortal glory that
should have remained exclusively yours. Ever yours,

Ram Sing.

P.S.—If your Boy has yet returned with the Dictionary which
you sent him for, would you look up the words "Solah" and
' Topee " ? In mine, which I have hitherto thought a good one,
they are translated as "pith" and "hat." But this must be a
mistake.—R. S.

LESSONS LEARNED AT A PANTOMIME.

{By an Intelligent Schoolboy.)

That Demons are much given to making bad puns, and have on
their visiting lists the most beautiful of the Fairies.

That the attendants upon the Demons (presumably their victims)
spend much of their time in break-downs.

That the chief amusement in Fairyland is to stand upon one toe for
a distressingly long time.

That the Fairies, when they speak, don't seem to have more H.'s
to'their tongues, than clothes to their backs.

That the Fairies have particularly fair complexions, considering
they dance so much in the sunlight.

That the tight and scanty costume of the Fairie3 is most insuffi-
cient protection from the showers that must be required to produce
the gigantic and highly-coloured fairy flora.

That the chief Fairy (to judge from her allusions to current
events) must take in the daily papers.

That Harlequin is always shaking his bat, but nothing seems to
come of it, and that it is hard to say why he comes on or goes off, or,
in shortj what he's at altogether.

That if Clown and Pantaloon want to catch Columbine, it is hard to
see why they don't catch her.

That Pantaloon must have been greatly neglected by his children
to be exposed without some filial protection to such ill-usage from
Clown.

That Clown leads a reckless and abandoned life, between thefts,
butter-slides, hot pokers, nursemaids, and murdered babies, and on
the whole is lucky to escape hanging.

That Policemen are made to be chaffed, cuffed, chased, and knocked
head-over-heels.

westlnghotjse to the eesctje.

A hope in kind Punch's bosom awakes—
0 Companies, don't go to prove his hope rash is!—

That some day you'll give us " continuous brakes,"
Instead of, as now, continual smashes.

Diffeeent Views.—Bishops complain of a dearth of Candidates
for Orders., Managers of theatres think differently.