Punch (93.1887)

40 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAPJVAKI. [J™y 30, 1887.

PRODDING THEM ON.

Times [loquitur—to S-l-sb-ry and B-lf-r). "Now then, what are you afraid of? You've got your weapon; use it. Or, if

you don't, you'll catch it from ME !"

AN EPITAPH

To the Memory of
The Egyptian Convention.
It was an Ill-starred Instrument,
Conceived in Doubt, Matured in Perplexity,
and

Completed in Consternation,
It was Ultimately Drafted with the Immediate but
Amusing Effect op
Sending the Due de Montebello into Hysterics,
Causing an Icy Indifference on the Part op M. Nelidoff,

and

Inducing the Sultan to sing
Once and por axl straight opf
An entire Encore Verse of
"Oh! what a Surprise!"
Thus

Happily at one and the same time
Having fulfilled the Triple purpose
of

Raising the passing Smile of Diplomatic Europe,
Throwing Sir H. Drummond Wolff into a Condition of
"Animated Expectancy,"

and

Costing the British Tax-payer £28,000 Sterling,
To the permanent Astonishment of its Authob,
The Smothered Satisfaction of the Sublime Porte,
And the General Rejoicing of the Egyptian Bond-holder,
It Returned at Length to this Country,
TTncrumpled, but Unsigned,
To be Relegated Comically, but Effectually,
To a "Waste-Paper Basket at the Foreign Office,
From which it is the devout Hope of thoughtful Politicians,
The settled Verdict of Public Opinion,
and

The determined Resolution of Lord Salisbury,
That its shattered Fragments
Shall never, under any Circumstances,
Again emerge.

Foul is Fair.

(A Parliamentary Song of Sixpence.)

The Irish M.P.'s, who are born to the manner,

Can't see any harm in the language of Tanner.

In war for ould Ireland they boldly declare

That the course they pursue is quite (Donnybrook) fair;

And with joy each impulsive Milesian howler

Cries, "If' Tanner ' be foul, there's ' Bob ' that is Fowler."

But Stooping to Conquer is always their plight;

Sir Robert's, at worst, the Mistakes of a Knight.

THE GREAT THIRST LAND.

"Why, in this clever age,

So "point-device,"
Is there no beverage

Cool, cheap, and nice P
It's safe to rile ye,

Dog-days being here,
"When you 're charged highly

For iced ginger-beer.

"Who can be placid

When sixpence is paid
For sweet citric acid

Dubbed lemonade ?
Is there no substitute

Which we may quaff
For tea with milk dilute,

Or shandy-gaff ?

A Bheer abuse is

Ice joined to beer;
Our gastric juices

Hate it, and fear;
Half-pint-partakers,

When weather's hot,
Barons or bakers,

All go to pot.

Should spirits tempt you,

Need it be said
Nought can exempt you

From a racked head,

Just like poor Sisera ?

Soda's a snare?
Milk clogs the viscera;

Of "fizz" beware!

Brandy each new nipper

Maketh go mad;
Juice of the juniper,

You 're berry bad!
Now that so many men

Counsel " Abstain! "
It's rum that any men

Drink to their bane.

In this heat tropical,

He's a true friend
Who, philanthropieal,

Bids our thirst end.
Will no inventor

Try a new shot ?
Here our hopes centre :

Who is our Watt ?

Our British livers

Don't care a rap
For "corpse-revivers,"—

A nauseous tap!
Drink for the Million !

Nor dear or heady;
Bring me a chilly one—

But none is ready !

THE COURT CIRCULAR.

The Levee held by Mr. John Clayton, and Mr. Arthur Cecil,
on Friday night, was numerously attended. Excellent specimens
of Mr. Pinero's work were presented in the first Acts of the recent
Court successes—to wit, The Schoolmistress, Dandy Dick, and The
Magistrate. Mr. Clayton made an excellent speech, which was
enthusiastically applauded, and Mrs. John Wood and Miss
Norreys received special calls. After a brief interval, during which
Court favour will be extended to King William Street, Strand, a
more spacious palace will be erected for the reception of Courtiers in
Chelsea, where a new Comedy, by Mr. Pinero, will be presented.
Mr. Arthur Cecil, though retiring from managerial cares, will,
when the new Theatre is finished, undertake what would be a
difficult task for anybody else, to fill his usual place on the boards.

Magazine Title [applicable to the Police Station where Miss Cass
was temporarily locked up).—" C'ass-cells."