Punch (93.1887)

August 13, 1887.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. _65^

LADIES' LAW.

Some little while since a book was published for the exclusive
benefit of the fair sex, which purported to teach men's mothers,
—„ sisters, cousins, and aunts, the advan-

tages bestowed upon them by the
r \ / *'w*8L. Married Women's Property Act, and

i ^p?;'3i,j^HK \ other statutes of a like character. No
doubt the volume was an excellent
guide to females fond of litigation;
but still there are many who prefer,
in spite of everything, to retain their
own fixed opinion on the subject of law.
For that feminine majority the follow-
ing congenial hints are published:—
1 ^fWBHMayKw' ^ If a woman makes a will, she can
llBl^SS^BHH^Mi' never revoke it, and is likely to die
4lM9p9jHHHHM soon afterwards, as it is not only un-
iH^^^^^^M"!|8^H|| necessary, but unlucky.
^ Ite^^ff ^^jl A marriage without bridesmaids is
JII^kHKIIIPs nearly illegal. This applies, in a lesser
ifS^P^S^b degree, to marriages where children,

Jp^wHHK' dressed in Charles the First costumes,
ZV are not employed to hold up the bride's

^^Pf^ train.
A mortgage is a sort of thing that causes a house_ to become the
Possession of a dishonest Agent, who is usually a Solicitor.

The best way of settling a County Court summons, brought m the
absence of the master of the house, is to ask the man into the
dining-room, and tell him about the accomplishments of the chil-
dren. This will soften his heart, and get him to prevent the Judge
from sending everyone to prison.

A nice Solicitor never contradicts a Lady, and therefore knows the
law infinitely better than the disagreeable fogies, who_ are so
obstinate. And, lastly, the best way to learn the real provisions of
the law, is to study a modern novel by a lady Authoress.

SALUBRITIES ABROAD.

1 Salubrities at Home" [pace Mr. Atlas, who will recognise this
temporary adaptation of his world-renowned title) I should say are
Buxton (for most people), Bath (for some), Farrogate (for others),
and,—besides a variety of North, South, East and "West, too numerous
to be mentioned in these notes,—Ramsgate for nearly all.

" Salubrities Abroad" are Homburg, Aix-les-Bams, Carlsbad,
&c., &c., and Royat, where I find myself again this year. "Scenes
pf my bath-hood, once more I behold ye I " There is " A Salubrity at
Royat," which people of certain tendencies cannot easily find else-
where. It is a cure for eminent persons of strong Conservative
tendencies. Lord Salisbury was here last year, and my friend
Monsieur Ondit, who is in everybody's confidence, tells me that his
Lordship will revisit a place where the traitement did him so much
good. I believe he underwent the " Cherry-cure," at all events his
Lordship was seen in public constantly eating them out of a paper-
bag. What did he do with the bag f My answer is, "he popped it."
fJown went the cherries, and bang went the bag and fifty centimes.
Well, did not Royat effect some change in his conservatism ? What
Has been the result ? But I am not here to talk politics.

******

Everybody is talking of the Botjlangee-Febby incident. This is
•^ng. 4, and nothing has happened.

" II n'y a pas de danger,"

Dit General Boulanger ;
"Tout va, je crois, s'arranger,
Chez Perry, mes amis."

Tw^J^en't time to Procee<i with this, but, so far, the idea is at any
tw J,dlsP°sition to continue as he pleases,'my only stipulation being

\r air to which it is to be sung shall be " Marlbrook."
n, 1 0,t:her friend, Benjamin Teovato, of Italian extraction, tells
tw ■* boulangee is half English, and had an English education.

lniorms me that the General has never forgotten the rhythms
tw^i"1 5118 haPPy English nursery; and that, when he read
tnat M. Febey had called him a " St. Arnaud de Cafe-Concert,"
He sang out, recollecting the old catch,—

A Note, a Note!

Haste to the Ferry!

in which his friends were unable to join, owing to their ignorance of

wv, s ana- tune*
Rov**^^ through Clermont-Ferrand from the Station up to
thp £„l WVthree v*™) had a,Bm,all omnibus to ourselves. One of
rn<w"-y ^a wag, of whom, and of the circumstances of our meeting,
WpfliA^ next') insisted on our calling out, " Vive Botjlanseb ! "
"« oia tnis several times in the most crowded parts, but the cry

obtained no response, and aroused no excitement, as, being uttered
with the greatest caution (at my instance), nobody heard it.

But what a thing to fight about! If duelling were an English
fashion, how fruitful of " incidents " this Session would have been.
How often would Mr. Tim Healy have been "out"? And Mr.
De Lisle's life would have hung upon a Lisle thread!

# * * * * ' *

Note for strangers about to visit Royat.—The Continental Hotel
has lost a little territory, as half of what was its terrace has been
re-turned to the present proprietor of the hotel next door, with whom
we Continentals have no connection, not even " on business," it not
being "the same concern" and under one management^as it was
last year. But what the Continental Hotel has sacrificed in domain,
Monsieur Hall, our obliging landlord, has more than made up in
comfort and cooking. Dr. Bbandt sees his patients in a charming
Villa of Flowers. The weather is lovely.

******

We are all surprised at seeing one another here. Each person (or
each couple or party) seems to think that he alone (or they alone)
possess the secret of Royat's existence. We certainly are not a
mutual admiration society at Royat. When we come upon one
another suddenly, each exclaims, " Hallo ! what are you here for?"
as if the other were a convict " doing his time." Everyone thinks
he knows what he is here for, but very few tell what he thinks he
knows. And, by the way, the best-informed among us doesn't know
very much about it.^ * * *

In the Reading-room of the Cercle there ought to be (as adver-
tised in a local journal) at least three English newspapers daily. I
have not seen them as yet. The only London paper arriving here
regularly, and to be purchased every day early at the Newsvendor's,
is the Morning Post. Vive Sir Algernon 1 Can this be the attrac-
tion for Lord Salisbuby ? Why come out so far afield to read the
Morning Post f Or wasn't it here, during Lord Salisbury's visit
last year, and is he still ignorant of its having been subsequently
demanded and supplied this season ? And when he comes and finds it
—"0 what a surprise! "—no, thank goodness, we have escaped

from this song—for a time, at least.

******

Too hot to write any more journal. The hundredth bell is sounding
for the fiftieth dejeuner. My dejeuner is finished. There are bells
here perpetually. All day and all night. In vain would Mr. Tbving
as Mathias, put his hands to his ears and close the windows. The
bells ! The bells ! Distant bells, near bells, sheep-bells, goat-bells,
a man with pipe (not tobacco but tune, or what he and the goats
consider a tune), dinner-bells, guests'-bells, servants'-bells, church-
bells (not much), chapel-bells (early and occasionally), horse-bells,
donkey-bells, breakfast-bells, supper-bells, arrival-bells, departure-
bells, tramway bells, crier's-bells, with variations on drum or trumpet,
and several other bells that I shall notice in the course of the twenty-
four hours, but have forgotten just now.

******

The " petits chevaux " have not been stopped by the Government;
they are running as fast as ever. There are two bands, playing
morning, afternoon, and evening. The Casino Sarnie is as lively as
ever, or, as my waggish acquaintance at once expressed it, in that
vein of humour for which he is so specially distinguished, "The
Sarnie old game," and to sit out in the garden, with a fragrant cigar
and coffee, before retiring for the night, is indeed a calm pleasure, or

would be but for the aforesaid waggishness, of which more anon.

******

Soldiers about everywhere, Boulangering. Up in the hills is a
splendid echo. This morning, having caught the very slightest cold,
I went up into the mountains to get it blown away. Suddenly I
sneezed. Such a sneeze I It reverberated all over the mountain like
the firing of a battery. Again! again! These sneezes nearly shook
me off the rock, and sent me staggering on to the plateau below.
The effect must have been alarming, as the third sneeze fetched
out the military, horse and foot, at full gallop, and the double
L'ennemi? C'etait moi! They scoured the mountain sides but I
did not sneeze again. I have a sort of idea that my sneeze up'set the
entire preconcerted arrangements for a review. The Boulansrerers
retired—so did I. s
******

'Tis the hour of douche. Richaed, the attendant, will be there
to give it me. Douche-ment, douche-ment. Gently does it!
0 Richard, 0 Mon Roy-at! . . . Au revoir '

Mrs. R. went to see the premiere of a new piece about which there
had been considerable excitement in the ffirioalworld.It ™

n3^there °* an? ™minence, and my nephew, who is con-
nrTolimwPaP-e7i1irelf'nltold me tbat the stalls were full of
cncketa- He pointed them all out to me. Most interesting."