Punch (93.1887)

^5

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHAKIVAEI.

[August 27, 1887.

EEMAEKS ONE WOULD EATHEE HAVE LEFT UNANSWEEED.

'' Well, good-bye, deae Mes. Jones. I'm afraid I've put you out by calling at
this unearthly Hour." "Oh, I hope I didn't show it !"

SALUBKITIES ABEOAD.

Hotel Continental, Royat —Our party here (which, somehow or another, Pullee has
contrived to get together and introduce to each other hy the simple means of inducing
M. Hall to give ua a room to ourselves for a small table-a"hote at the un-Royat-like hour of
7'30) consists of La Contessa Casanova, the English wife of an Italian merchant, the head
of a large house of business in London—she is Marchesa or Contessa, I am not certain which,
but Pullee styles her Miladi and Madame. She is devoted to the serious Drama, and her
pet subject is Salvini in Othello. Her daughter, an elegant young_ English girl, lively,
amusing, and with a bias in favour of the very lightest forms of theatrical entertainment.

Then we have Madame Mettebbeun and her daughters, Anglo-Germans, thorough
musicians, with Wagner at their fingers' ends,—literally, as they are accomplished pianists.
There is Mrs. Dindeelln, who was here last year, and is taking the waters seriously, and
who knows when to put in the right word at the right moment. Cousin Jane who is
taking the waters still more seriously and who is an excellent listener: myself an impartial
referee: and Pullee the Solicitor out for a holiday, who is alternately in the highest of
spirits or the lowest depths of depression, according as the waters and weather affect him.
Outside our party there are others whom I meet occasionally, consisting of the lady who
finds fault with everything French, the gentleman who laughs at everything French, the
grumbler whom nothing satisfies, the contented man who is pleased with everything, the
man who after being here a day is intensely bored, the man who from the moment of his
arrival is always studying Guide-books and indicateurs to see what is the best and easiest
way of getting away again: the patient who has come all the way here to see the Doctor
and then refuses to do anything he tells him: the patient who has come to find out what on
earth is the matter with Mm : the man who doctors himself, and two or three ladies of my
acquaintance of whom I only catch occasional glimpses as they issue from Sedan-chairs or
muffled up like the Turkish women, merely recognise me with their eyes, incline their
heads and pass on their way with a little drinking-glass in their hands.

To me Royat is an amusing place : it is certainly a pretty one, and its waters in most cases
are decidedly of lasting benefit. "What those "most cases "are, the patients themselves
best know.

**»*»#**

For expanse there is nothing like the sea, and for grandeur the snow mountains. Unless
I go up to the Pt.y de Dome—which I do not mean to do, for I have been up there once, and
never, never, never will go there again —I cannot see either. And even from the

top of the Puy you can only discern the
sea, or Mont Blanc, with a very good glass,

on a very clear day.

# * # # *

M. Boisgobey's description of a Parisian
Club in his latest book (I delight in Bois-
gobey now that there is no Gaboeiau)
called Grippe-Soleil will amuse London
Club members. The only two Clubs in
Paris I ever saw were not a bit like Bois-
gobey's description.

When anyone who has been under treat-
ment a week, unexpectedly meets a friend
here, he stops short, stares at him, examines
him from head to foot, and then exclaims,
in a tone of utter astonishment, " What! I
you here!!" as if the new arrival were
either an intruder or a lunatic. The
person thus addressed immediately retorts
in an injured tone, " Well, what on earth
are you here for ? " and then he adds mali-
ciously, "there doesn't seem to be much
the matter with you." Now to say this is
to utter your deliberate opinion that the
person you are addressing is at Royat (or
any other Salubrity Abroad wherever it
may be) under the false pretence of being an
invalid, and is therefore, to put it plainly,
a shammer, an impostor.

# # # # *

After this greeting, explanations follow.
The first man has to prove his right to be at
Royat, and the second man has to admit
the evidence to be incontestable, on the
condition, implied but not expressed, of
his own case being taken as thoroughly
warranting his taking the baths and traite-
ment generally at Rovat.

Then comes the question of Doctors.
"Who shall decide when Doctors disagree? "
—but who shall decide when patients dis-
agree about Doctors ? "Whom do you go
to P" asks the suffering Smith of the invalid
Brown. " Well," says Beown, apologetic-
ally,—because he is not sure, this being his
first visit, that he might not have gone to
a better man, "I go to Dr. Chose," and
noticing the astonishment depicted on his
friend's face, he hastens to explain,
" Squills sent me to him." The suffering
Smith professes himself puzzled to know
why on earth Squills always sends his
patients to Chose. '' Dr. Rem's the man for
you, my boy," says Smith. But Beown
feels that he is in the toils of Squills, and
that it would not be fair to him or to
Chose, if he suddenly left the latter and
sought the advice of Dr. Rem, on the sole
recommendation of Smith who, after all, is
not a professional.

# » * # *

Then two habitues meet. "I always go
to Chose," says eczematio Jones, dogmatic-
ally, "first-rate fellow, Chose. All the
French go to him. They know." " Ah! "
returns gouty Robinson, with conviction,
"I never have been to anyone but Rem.
He's the chap. All the English go to him.
Best man in Royat." And if it weren't
the hour for one of them to go and drink
Eugenie water, and for the other to take
his second glass of St. Mart, they would

have a row and come to blows.

* * » * *

Pullee tells me that there's one London
Doctor, describing himself as a Gynecologist
(" A guinea-cologist," parenthetically re-
marks Pullee), who always sends his
patients here. I think he says his name is Dr.
Baenes. "He sends so many," says Pullee,
"that I propose changing the name of the
place from Royat-les-Bains into Royat-les-
Barnes." I see why he introduced the name
of Baenes. Fortunately he is so delighted