Punch (93.1887)

November 5, 1887.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 209

" LIKELY TO GET ON IN LIFE."

Papa. " If I give you Sixpence, and tell you to buy Five
Penny Papers, how much Change will you bring back to me?"

Sharp Soy (considering). "Well, Papa—let me see—if you
gave me Sixpence-"

Papa. " Yes—yes. How much Change to bring back to me ?"

Sharp Boy (readily, and with decision). "None—not if you a Ave
me the Sixpence ! "

[Papa determines to put the question in a different way next time.

TO THE INCOMPLETE (POLITICAL) ANGLER.

0 Brummagem Joseph, my boy, will you halt on

Tour sturdy, but scarce diplomatical way,
And take from an ancient disciple of Walton

A few friendly hints about patience and "play" ?
As an Angler you have Mr. Punch's best wishes,

But do you consider it wise, ere you start
To throw stones in the water, and stir up the fishes ?

That's scarcely the right piscatorial art.
No, stillness and silence, and delicate tact, Sir,

Are needed for handling the rod and the reel.
You may pelt and may splash, but you '11 find it a fact, Sir,

Who frightens the fishes will not fill his creel.

Hadwice Gratis.—The Vaudeville Theatre announces a new play
|>y Mr. Enery Hauthor Jones, called Heart of Hearts. To popu-
larise it for Town use, much better call it 'Art of 'Arts at once.

New Order (not issued from the Horse Gttards.)—-The entire
British Army to be submitted to a Fortnightly Review for the next
three months at least. _

Mem. for Police by General-Inspector Punch. — Stop the
Orators in Trafalgar Square, and let the Fountains be the only ones
to spout. _

'Arry Stratford-atte-Bow's French Motto for the Fifth of
November.—'' Toujours Guy."

OUR ADVERTISERS.
Inverted, Educational, Medicinal, and Miscellaneous.

WANTED, BY AN INCORRIGIBLE LITTLE BOY, whose
Parents have threatened to send him away from home on
account of his perpetually insufferable conduct, a suitable domicile,
where he will be afforded every facility for continuing it without
hindrance and interruption. _ A quiet old country clergyman, and
his wife, both a little short-sighted, and hard of hearing, occupying
a retired Vicarage, that is in want of a little waking up, might
write. House must be conveniently arranged for the setting of
booby-traps, possess a good old-fashioned striking-clock, with
accessible inside, a get-at-able upstairs' cistern, a dinner-gong, and
plenty of bells. Bedroom might be furnished with a view to an
occasional display of fireworks. Staircase with good top-to-bottom
slide-down balusters indispensable. Would be glad to hear if there
is a powerful garden-engine, in good working-order, on the premises;
and also whether there is a decent sweetstufi and gunpowder-shop
within easy distance. Apply by letter to " Tartar," Scarum Hall,
Flingover, Notts._

THE PRINCIPAL OF A YOUNG GENTLEMAN'S ACADEMY,
who has, in turns, been a Stock-jobber, a Solicitor struck off
the Rolls, a Light Comedian, an Undertaker, a Professor of
Calisthenics, and a Hansom-cab Driver, and has now taken to the
Education of Youth as a last resource to make ends meet, is anxious
to hear from a sufficient number of dupes, in the shape of parsi-
monious Parents, to enable him to start his scheme, and see whether
he can make anything out of it. They must be fools enough to
believe that a thoroughly high-class, commercial, and classical educa-
tion, including instruction in five modern languages, fitting the
recipients for immediate entry into either the Church, the Army, or
the Bar can be furnished, together with the use of an extensive
swimming bath and gymnasium, and an unlimited supply of the very
best diet, without any charge for washing, books, or extras, for
twenty guineas per annum. The fact that a retired waiter from a
Boulogne Restaurant takes charge of the Modern Languages, while
the Higher Mathematics and swimming are entrusted to a late Custom
House Officer, and the Classical and other Departments, are under the
immediate supervision of the Principal, may be taken as a guarantee
that the advertised curriculum is scrupulously and efficiently carried
out. Apply for further Particulars to " Principal," Uncertificated
Tutors Association, S.E. _

WANTED, BY THE PROPRIETOR OF A PATENT MEDI-
CINE, a nervous and confiding Client who after reading a
whole newspaper advertising column of diseases, and persuading
himself that he is afflicted with most of them, will believe that by
an outlay of Is. lid., he can entirely cure himself of the whole lot
of them on the spot. He must not be disheartened if the first trial
produces no effect. On the contrary, if the nostrum appears to
develop fresh and disagreeable symptoms, he must manfully perse-
vere, and face in turn neuralgia, rheumatic gout, fever, lumbago,
soiatica, incipient paralysis, and even greater complications, rather
than relinquish the remedy when he has once had recourse to it. In
this way, it is obvious, he will not only be able to afford a permanent
support to the sale of a dangerous and deleterious compound, but will,
by its continual use, effectually and completely succeed in ultimately
shattering his own constitution. Apply, •'Proprietor," Jollop's Specific
Restorator, Patent Medicine Works, Pill Hill, N.E._

WANTED, A QUITE INEXPERIENCED HORSEMAN, TO
purchase, on the recommendation of a tricky Job Master, a
thoroughly unsound and spavined Bay Cob that will be represented
as having been " parted with " by its late owner, " a sporting Duke,"
for "no fault whatever." The creature, however, that is short in
the wind, swollen at the hocks, an ugly stepper, and has not a single
good point about it, having recently, when in the funeral business,
kicked in a hearse, it has been decided to palm it off on the first un-
suspecting purchaser that turns up as "quiet to ride" and going
" nicely in harness," and it may confidently be relied upon to throw
an unskilful or aged rider, or smash up a brougham at the very
earliest opportunity. As it has also, at a previous period in its
career, served as a trick horse at a Circus, and will, on meeting a
German band, sit down on its haunches, it might be safely secured
by any equestrian to whom some astonishment and a little music
mingled with his morning's ride might prove a pleasing experience.
Can be seen at Gully's Stables, Blinder Street, S.W.

~\~™Y i THOROUGHLY UNSUSPECTING" TENANTS
£\. wanted by a Jerry Builder, who has juat run up a terrace of
new houses anyhow, and is anxious to see if anybody can manage to
Sve in them. None of the doors shut, all the windows let in draughts,
and there are practically no drains. As the walls are one brick thick,
and the playing of a piano can be heard through six houses, neighbours
of a conversational turn might find a residence in them advantageous.
Warranted to oome down with a run in a high wind. Apply,
"Builder," Dustbin Terrace, Killingham Road, E.