Punch (93.1887)

298

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 24, 1887.

STRIVING AFTER THE IDEAL.

Grandpapa. "Ah, Johnny! There are few better Things than Irish
Stew !"

Johnny. "What are the few Better Things, Grandpa f"

UNEMPLOYED.

A Christmas Carol for the Comfortable Classes.

Old Father Christmas came once more,
His eye was bright if his hair was hoar,
And the old old gifts on his back he bore.

"With the old loved legend now as then
The pleasantest ever inscribed by pen—
"Peace upon earth, goodwill to men."

"What was it the good old greybeard saw ?—
War's iron teeth, greed's gaping jaw,
And shaken order and broken law.

Each land ringed round with a fence of steel,
Each party snarling at other's heel;
None seeming loving, few looking leal.

Poverty spreading athwart the land,
With mutterings few dared understand,
Though they palsied Charity's helpful hand.

And the good old greybeard stood and gazed

At the thousand hearths where no Yule-fire blazed,

At the hate-led nations, the classes crazed.

" And oh! " he cried, " is it come, the time
"When the land low grovels in greed and grime,
And heeds no longer my cheering chime ?

" Is it past, all prospect of love's increase ?

Is it time my rallying cry should cease—

' Peace and Good-will I Good-will and Peace!' ?

" Is it fled, the hope that my heart has buoyed ?
Is it finished, the labour in which I joyed ?
Am I the ohief of the Unemployed ? "

The Dear Departed.—He has departed, and he was
dear—at the price, was the poor little Gorilla! He died
at the Zoo just ten days ago. Was it owing to his
being so generously dieted, and never getting " Monkey's
allowance ? " Jenny the Baboon refused to attend the
funeral, which was strictly private. Her conduct has
created some astonishment among the officials. A jarring
note was struck by the Hytena, which could not repress
its laughter. He died intestate. The Gorilla's decease
makes no change in the government of Monkey Island.

THE CONSCIENTIOUS APPARITION;

OB, THE PHANTOM BILL OF C0ST8.

(A Legal Ghost Story for Christmas.']

I am a highly respectable family ghost. I appear usually at two
in the morning, wearing, what I believe is called in theatrical circles,
a disguise cloak, and carrying a long blood-stained sword. I have
one serious drawback. I have a shocking memory, and have entirely
forgotten my identity. For the death of me I cannot remember why
I became a ghost, and what on earth I ought to haunt. I fancy it
should be some sort of castle, as I have an indistinct recollection of
onoe frightening a man carrying some huge keys, from what I take
must have been a portcullis, into fits. But this is merely oonjecture,
and I can't in the least acoount for my blood-stained sword. As I
am really conscientious, this state of things has caused me serious
regret. I have no wish to alarm the wrong people, nor to haunt the
wrong place. The first is improper, and the second is infra dig.
But what can I do ? I find that 1 must appear at least once in every
four-and-twenty hours, and my difficulty has been to so suit my
time and place, that the least inconvenience should be given to the
smallest number. Consequently, for many years I have been a
nightly habitue of the South Kensington Museum. No doubt this
arrangement would have continued for an indefinite period had I
not been recently arrested by a Policeman for loitering in the picture-
galleries, who only permitted me to vanish in blue fire (I prefer
bine to red) on the condition that I did not re-enter the Institution.

_ Ousted from the South Kensington Museum, I determined not to
visit any other public establishment. Partly because I was tired
beyond measure of curiosities, and partly, because my dignity had
been wounded by the incident that had severed my connection with
the School of Art. Supplementary to this, I felt that I might be
neglecting a duty by not discovering the proper plaoe for my
periodical apparitions. It occurred to me it would be a great
comfort if 1 could but find the exact spot, where undisturbed, I
could appear and disappear without fear of interruption, at any rate,
from the profession, for I knew that I should not be allowed to

poach on the haunting-grounds of my fellow phantoms. As a
matter of fact, I once had a terrible row in the Tower of London,
(caused by Sir Waiter Raleigh, Lord Balmartno, and Lady Jane
Gret objecting to my joining the little gathering there, on the
score "that I did not belong to their set") which ended in my
being ejected in the most undignified manner possible from the
premises. However, I am pretty determined when I make up my
mind, and I formed the resolution of leaving no stone unturned until
I had discovered my proper destination.

My first experiments were most unsuccessful. I visited in
succession about a hundred country-houses, but found them all
tenanted with their rightful apparitions. My arrival was greeted,
in each case, with abuse, more or less vigorous. Perhaps I received
the greatest insults from a person (I cannot call him a gentleman)
of the last century, who I discovered haunting a venerable mansion
belonging to his grandson, with a view to giving their brand-new
family an air of respectability.

At length I found a rather agreeable lady in white brocade, who
carried her head in a bundle under her arm, and who was more
inclined to be sociable than any ghost I had hitherto met.

" You cannot possibly remain here," she said, as she glided up a
staircase and rattled some chains outside a bedroom door, " it would
not be proper, besides it would be sure to be resented by Alfredo,
who rises every fifteenth of March from the moat to cut my head
off in a fit of jealousy—he is so absurd 1 If I were you I should
oonsult a Solicitor. I can recommend you one who hanged himself
some years ago in the town over yonder. His great great great
grandfather drew my marriage settlement; and Alfredo, who has
consulted him on several little matters, has every confidence in him.
"Why not see him ? You will find him seated in his office (it belongs
to his nephew in the daytime) from midnight to four in the morning.
And now you must really go, as I have to frighten the occupants
of this bed-chamber."

Thus urged, of course I could only bow and withdraw. I floated
into the town and entered the Lawyer's office. I found its phantom

oooupant extremely obliging
" The great difficulty/' he

he said, when he had listened to my story,