Punch (94.1888)

April 7, 1888.]

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI,

165

and polemic differences, than to aggravate them. There are some
opinions in which a man should stand neuter, without engaging his
assent to one side or the other. Such a hovering faith as this, which
refuses to settle upon any determination, is absolutely necessary in a
mind that is careful to avoid errors and prepossessions. It is with
this temper of mind, that I consider the subject which so aroused my
friend Sir Roger's not unnatural wrath.

"I remember," said I, "listening to the proceedings of the County
Sessions with much attention, and being infinitely pleased with that
great appearance and solemnity which so properly accompanies such
a public administration of our laws."

" And all that," cried the worthy Knight, hotly, " all that is to be
changed, subverted, revolutionised, without reason, and, as the
St. James's Gazette—an admirable journal, Sir, quite after my own
heart!—rightly asserts, without necessity, and in the absolute
absence of any call from the Country. Preposterous I Infamous !
Unpreeedentedly, wantonly gratuitous! "

If I mistake not, Sir Roger," I pursued, in the same concilia-
tory tone, " you yourself were called upon to serve as Sheriff of the
County when in your twenty-third year."

" I was," replied Sir Roger ; " and I indulged the pleasure of a
young man (who did not think ill of his own person), in taking that

some'otheraTwiirbe less in reality than in appearance, or will be
limited and ameliorated by conditions and influences none the less
potent and permanent because subtle, and, to the vulgar eye, per-
chance invisible. The rascally red face of Revolution, like that of
a blustering Bardolph, is often more threatening than formidable."

" Sir," cried the Anight, " a Country Gentleman of good descent
and substantial estate, might of old, creditably and without loss of
dignity, become a JU3tice of the Quorum, fill the Chair at Quarter
Sessions, oo-operate in County administration with his peers and the
parson. But sit on these new-fangled County Councils cheek-by-
jowl with the Tom Touchies, the republican Scribblers, the revolu-
tionary Cobblers, and other the tagrag and bobtail of Mob-election ?
Never, Sir I Sir Andrew Freeport, with his trade instincts and
republican doctrines, might find himself at home in such company,
not a true Tory Squire, or sound Anglican divine."

"But surely, Sir Roger," said I, "a patriot's duty is to serve his
misguided country in the worst pinch of her misfortunes, even at the
cost of discomfort to himself. Could such an one as yourself for
instance, be present at one of these projected County Councils, and
perchance make such an impressive and inspiring harangue as I once
heard you deliver at the County Assizes, how would he inform the
assembly, give himself a figure in the public eye, keep up Ms credit
in the County, abash parvenu insolence, crush crude conceit, and
consequently checkmate and countervail the very dangers and disasters
which your patriotic prevision marks from afar ! Remember, Sir,
what we agreed upon of old, that a Member of the Society we pro-
jected ' who Should carefully employ himself in making room for
merit by throwing down the worthless and depraved part of man-
kind from the conspicuous station of life to which they have some-
times been advanced and all this without regard to his private
interest,' would be no small benefactor to his Country."

Sir Roger fetched a deep sigh, and fell into a fit of musing.

"You know, Sir" I pursued, " that feuds between the wealthy
and well-placed, though too frequent in this country, are very fatal
to the ordinary people, who are so used to be dazzled with riches,
that they pay as much 'deference to the understanding of a man of
an estate, as of a man of learning; and are so hardly brought to
regard any truth, however important soever it may be, that is
preached to them, when they know there are several men of five
hundred a year who do not believe in it."

My friend's speaking countenance softened until it was scarcely
more recognisable as the indignant visage I had lately looked upon
than was the frowning and staring paint-transformed sign of the

Saracen's Head," as his own benign physiognomy. He was about
to break forth into a discourse consonant, I am sure, with his
changed expression, when the clarion of chanticleer welcoming the
first glimmer of dawn that broke through the thick branches of the
aged elms rendered necessary what, in parliamentary diction, would
he designated an adjournment of the debate.

" Veaby Yiator" writes:—" Sir,—The other day, walking in
the neighbourhood of Waltham Cross, I came suddenly upon the
historic stones of Temple Bar, erected at the entrance of Theobald's
Park. I have ascertained that this situation for our lumbering old
ohstructionist friend pleases some folks, but, for my part, I can only
look upon its present position as ' Faute de Meux'."

QuE8HON TO BE PUT BY ME. CHAPLIN TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE

Exchequer.—'' Are Towel-horses and Clothes-horses to be taxed ? "

GEORGE JOKIN.

(OTvez Lui.)

" I am very glad to see you," says the Comic Chanoellor, as you
enter his sanctum. "When you were ushered in you scarcely
expected me to be a peer—I mean to
appear ? "

You bow gravely, while the Right
Hon. Gentleman rings for one of his
subordinates.

"My Laughing Secretary," he ex-
plains, when the young gentleman
enters. "This kindly individual ap-
preciates my jokes. I said to my visitor
he scarcely expected me to be a peer—
in mistake for to appear. You see the
joke ? "

Call this a "Pleasure Horse!", Thus. challenged, the new-comer
bursts into a shout of merriment, and
says the jest is of first-rate quality. On his retirement the
Chancellor informs you that it is his employe's duty to listen to and
applaud his jokes. For this he receives a princely salary.

" No sinecure post, I can assure you, although there's no writing
about it, in spite of its being called signy cure! Perhaps you would
not mind smiling yourself at my jokes in the absence of my Laughing
Secretary. Thank you."

Then the Cabinet Minister becomes graver as he removes a cover-
ing from what appears to be a framed sampler.

" Here is my celebrated joke about Garrick being on the Spree
when Mr. Wyndham, of the Criterion Theatre, was in Berlin.

" But have you not made another joke about Mr. Wyndham ? "

" I have," returns the Comic Chancellor, modestly ; "I said that
although Mr. Wyndham was greatly liked at the Court Theatre in
the Prussian capital, that might be said to be no Criterion."

" The Criterion is the name of Mr. Wyndham's London theatre,
is it not?"

" Yes ; and that was the pith of my pleasantry. Had Mr.
Wyndham been the lessee, for instance, of the Haymarket, I should
have been unable to have given so much point to my jest."

"How ever do you think of such clever things, with so many other
matters to attend to—for instance the Budget and the Conversion
Bill?"

"I really cannot tell you. They come to me spontaneously. I
believe I have a gift for waggery."
" Have you any works of reference ? "

"A great many—but my favourite assistant is Joseph-"

" Chamberlain?"

" No, Miller, dear old Joe !" and here the Comic Chancellor took
down a well-worn volume labelled "Joe Miller."
" Have you made any recent puns ? "

" Oh, yes. Only the other day when something was said about
my taking a penny off the Income Tax, I observed I thought it
ought to be called the Outgo Impost, as everyone had to pay it 1
I only took three days in contriving that impromptu."

"Really!"

At this point a servant gives the Comic Chancellor a card.

" Dear me, I am afraid 1 can afford you no more of my time, I
have a pupil waiting for me—a well-known divine. I am sure you
will excuse me." Then turning to the messenger, he adds, " Show
his Grace into the study, and ask my Laughing Secretary to accom-
pany me."

And as you leave this Home of Wit, you hear the grave tones of
the Chancellor and his pupil, followed at intervals by the rather
forced merriment of the Laughing Secretary.

THREE'S COMPANY

In this month's Men and Women of the Day, Messrs. Barraud
give, as the three " Contemporary Portraits," Miss Ellen Terry
(first-rate—as always, either in or out of a picture), between the
Right Hon. Joseph Chamberlain and the eminent metaphysician
Mr. Herbert Spencer. Oar Joseph looks quite the Right Hon-
ourable, but unfortunately he is somewhat in the shade, which is
most unusual for him; perhaps Messrs. Barraud wanted to give his
otherwise life-like portrait a touch of novelty. The Metaphysical
Third Party looks exactly what he is, a hard-headed, determined
speculator—in the domain of psychology. 2 propos of speculation,
Mr. Spencer himself records how, having dropped £4000 in bringing
out his work on Soiology, he was compelled to stop it at Part VIII.
He works for love, not gain, and from this portrait it may be gathered
that there is not much Cupidity about this lover of Psyche.

"Mavor" Revised by'Goschen.—" The Horse is a noble animal"
and very useful to "—the^Exehequer.