DOI issue:
July 12, 1856
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16618#0026
i« PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. July 12, 1856.
TRADE REPORT.
These has been a great stir in the cloth market
durugthe last week. "The military official"
rrom America, on the pressing advice of Mr.
Dallas, has submitted to be measuted for a new
pair of pants; the ambassador condescending to
ob e<ve, b) way of mollification, to ihe citizen,
"measures not men." The velvet trade bas
leceived 3 considerable impetus, one stock, at
least, having been ordered at a wholesale house;
the velvet was Genoese, in compliment to the
King op Sardinia. We have further to mark
a Lvely advance in the artie'e of bristles; which
we attribute to the circumstance of a new set uf
blacking-brushes having been ordered at the
American Legation, for the use of those Citizens
who may vouchsafe to have their free and inde-
pendent shoe-leather polished before it con-
descends to tread upon the flooring of Sr.
James's Palace; and further, Russian duck and
>oap have risen, a dozen of towels and six
p >unds of befct mottled hiving been ordered by
i Mr. Dallas for those of his effeminate fellow-
j citizens, who may feel disposed to wash their
hands before they permit the Queen of the
Britishers to kiss them.
A Little Moral Fssay
To Young Men about to enter on Man's Estate.
The Thieshold of Life is known by there being
the number 21 on the door. Knock boldly—hold
vour head up—and enter, " like a man."
MR. BOUXCEABLE. WHILST RETURNING FROM WOOLWICH", TAKES AD VAN- _'_
TAGE OF A SLIGHT SHOWER TO IMPROVE THE OCCASIOX. , Tr „ ™ , ., . n ,
A Vulgar Error.—That it is not allowed
"Call this a gale of wind! Ah, the Black Sea's the place for that J and as for rain—you at a City dinner to send up twice for Turtle
should just see it in the Crimea!" I Soup !
A CRAVEN'S HORSE.
We have pig-iion, why not horse-iron? Now we have little doubt
that this query was quickening in the large brain of William George
Craven, Lieu'enaut in the First Life Guards, when he determined to
drive his hors^ in a dog-cart against the railwaj-engine of the South-
western Railway that started from Windsor at 1'50 to Staines ; iron
beating horseflesh by a minute or two, and so on to Hounslow, the
gdllant animal and its very high-spirited master being, however, slight)}
distanced by what our amiable and dulcet-tongued friends, the
Yankees, call Beelzebub in harness. Now, the distance from Wkdsor
to llounslow is thirteen miles, and this distance the horse covered in an
hour and an odd minute or so. Iron, somehow, beat mere horse flesh ;
Lieutenant Craven's nob'e steed being scarcely up to the chivalrous
notions of his master; for the wre ched animal, we are of course
understood in an equine sense, on proceeding to the George Inn, was
merely equal to its gruel, having no pluck whatever left for corn.
About a pint of gruel could the horse swallow, but not a pinch of oats.
Belcher, the groom, however, benevolently " walked the horse about
the yard, as it had not got its wind." In an hour's time the faithful
groom again put the horse into the dog-cart to return to Windsor.
At Bedfont, the horse could scarcely stand, "and trembled violently."
The groom, however—perhaps the po^r fellow wished to emulate the
spirit of his master—remained firm, and drove to Egham, where the
horse was taken out, and whereupon it broke into a cold sweat; and,
to conclude, wh-re, after a few minutes' further trembling, the horse
dropt down dead. "Upon being opened, the cavity of the stomach
was found to contain two or three quarts of blood."
This accident was duly inquired into at the Staines Petty Sessions,
on the prosecution of Mr. Foster, a busy-body who, on the part of the
Prevention of Cruelty Society, will interfere with the liberty of the
suhject as sought to be enjoyed by officers and gentlemen desirous of
beating, if only by a neck, steam and iron with horse-blood and bone.
However, Lieutenant Graven was not unsupported. One Mr.
Jennings, for the defence (we presume an attorney), in the serenity of
his legal belief declared that it was "an absurd charge. The distance
was not more than thirteen miles, and the horse could have done
double the distance in the time, which was over an hour." Twice
thirteen are twenty-six! Twenty-six miles in an hour and four or five
minutes. Sharp driving this. If attorneys set out for Paradise at this
speed, we can only say that the pace is a little more fast than sure.
A veterinary surgeon (name not given) thought the horse had died
" from apoplexy, but had not opened the head." Who knows ? The
disappointed animal may have died from sheer chagrin, from downright
vexation of spirit, at its inability to fulfil the desire of its Craven
master. Further, the surgeon aforesaid " did not think 'hat keeping
up with the railway train from Windsor to Staines, a distance of seven
miles, was calculated to injure a horse." Why, of course not. The
horses of the sun do a little more than that (very day. If Apollo
had been subpoenaed, he could have proved this. Perhaps, however
Mr. Jennings had never heard of the witness.
The Magistrates deliberated and differed. Tiey gave Mr. Craven
t he benefit of a doubt; a benefit that, we hope, he will be enabled to,
make the best of. Doubt is, at times, not a bad poultice. With respect
to the groom, however, the Magistrates fined him in the full penalty of
£5, with £5 costs ; or, in default of payment, to be imprisoned for two
months and kept to hard labour. We further learn from ihe report,
thit "the decision evidently excited profound surprise." Doubtless,
the innocent Arcadians cf Staines expected to have Belcher sentenced
to take his place in the shafts of the dog-cart, vice the horse deceased,
and wiih Lieutenant Craven adjudged to the box, to be ru-a against
a lailwav-engine for an hour and a few minutes, with unlimited
gruel at the journey's end, and the heartiest feed (if he could only
swallow them) of the gallant Lieutenant's own wild oats.
To conclude, the inexorable Mr. Foster applied for the costs ot
Mr. Craven's prosecution (just as boys at Efou are made to pay
for their own birch), price £20, The bench granted £10 costs
against Mr. Cbaven, " as they thought Mr. Foster's application
a very reasonable one." Being so very "reasonable," it was, how-
ever, cut down to half. But such is the reward of mr deration at
Staines! .
Happily, we live not in heathen times, when the deed of Pythagoras
had its believers ; otherwise Lieutenant Craven might have thought
of a future horse, the properly of a future attorney, to be groomed by
a future groom, and examined by a future veterinary surgeon. As
horces go to the dogs, so might men passing into horses go to dog-
carts. Only imagine, now, a fine cavalry young gentleman, suflering
the law of transmigration of soul, doomed to the shafts of a dog-cart,
with an attorney (who does not think twenty-six miles an hour sharp
driving), blue-bag and all on the box, whipped and whipped, and
driven against a railway-engine, the impatient driver being a little late
from his chambers, Red-lion's Inn, to ca'ch the Morthern tram tor the
Northern circuit. , ,
But let us be thankful that we live not in heathen days; and let
Lieutenant Craven pay his groom's fine, and his own quota oi
expense, and rejoice that he is a Christian!
TRADE REPORT.
These has been a great stir in the cloth market
durugthe last week. "The military official"
rrom America, on the pressing advice of Mr.
Dallas, has submitted to be measuted for a new
pair of pants; the ambassador condescending to
ob e<ve, b) way of mollification, to ihe citizen,
"measures not men." The velvet trade bas
leceived 3 considerable impetus, one stock, at
least, having been ordered at a wholesale house;
the velvet was Genoese, in compliment to the
King op Sardinia. We have further to mark
a Lvely advance in the artie'e of bristles; which
we attribute to the circumstance of a new set uf
blacking-brushes having been ordered at the
American Legation, for the use of those Citizens
who may vouchsafe to have their free and inde-
pendent shoe-leather polished before it con-
descends to tread upon the flooring of Sr.
James's Palace; and further, Russian duck and
>oap have risen, a dozen of towels and six
p >unds of befct mottled hiving been ordered by
i Mr. Dallas for those of his effeminate fellow-
j citizens, who may feel disposed to wash their
hands before they permit the Queen of the
Britishers to kiss them.
A Little Moral Fssay
To Young Men about to enter on Man's Estate.
The Thieshold of Life is known by there being
the number 21 on the door. Knock boldly—hold
vour head up—and enter, " like a man."
MR. BOUXCEABLE. WHILST RETURNING FROM WOOLWICH", TAKES AD VAN- _'_
TAGE OF A SLIGHT SHOWER TO IMPROVE THE OCCASIOX. , Tr „ ™ , ., . n ,
A Vulgar Error.—That it is not allowed
"Call this a gale of wind! Ah, the Black Sea's the place for that J and as for rain—you at a City dinner to send up twice for Turtle
should just see it in the Crimea!" I Soup !
A CRAVEN'S HORSE.
We have pig-iion, why not horse-iron? Now we have little doubt
that this query was quickening in the large brain of William George
Craven, Lieu'enaut in the First Life Guards, when he determined to
drive his hors^ in a dog-cart against the railwaj-engine of the South-
western Railway that started from Windsor at 1'50 to Staines ; iron
beating horseflesh by a minute or two, and so on to Hounslow, the
gdllant animal and its very high-spirited master being, however, slight)}
distanced by what our amiable and dulcet-tongued friends, the
Yankees, call Beelzebub in harness. Now, the distance from Wkdsor
to llounslow is thirteen miles, and this distance the horse covered in an
hour and an odd minute or so. Iron, somehow, beat mere horse flesh ;
Lieutenant Craven's nob'e steed being scarcely up to the chivalrous
notions of his master; for the wre ched animal, we are of course
understood in an equine sense, on proceeding to the George Inn, was
merely equal to its gruel, having no pluck whatever left for corn.
About a pint of gruel could the horse swallow, but not a pinch of oats.
Belcher, the groom, however, benevolently " walked the horse about
the yard, as it had not got its wind." In an hour's time the faithful
groom again put the horse into the dog-cart to return to Windsor.
At Bedfont, the horse could scarcely stand, "and trembled violently."
The groom, however—perhaps the po^r fellow wished to emulate the
spirit of his master—remained firm, and drove to Egham, where the
horse was taken out, and whereupon it broke into a cold sweat; and,
to conclude, wh-re, after a few minutes' further trembling, the horse
dropt down dead. "Upon being opened, the cavity of the stomach
was found to contain two or three quarts of blood."
This accident was duly inquired into at the Staines Petty Sessions,
on the prosecution of Mr. Foster, a busy-body who, on the part of the
Prevention of Cruelty Society, will interfere with the liberty of the
suhject as sought to be enjoyed by officers and gentlemen desirous of
beating, if only by a neck, steam and iron with horse-blood and bone.
However, Lieutenant Graven was not unsupported. One Mr.
Jennings, for the defence (we presume an attorney), in the serenity of
his legal belief declared that it was "an absurd charge. The distance
was not more than thirteen miles, and the horse could have done
double the distance in the time, which was over an hour." Twice
thirteen are twenty-six! Twenty-six miles in an hour and four or five
minutes. Sharp driving this. If attorneys set out for Paradise at this
speed, we can only say that the pace is a little more fast than sure.
A veterinary surgeon (name not given) thought the horse had died
" from apoplexy, but had not opened the head." Who knows ? The
disappointed animal may have died from sheer chagrin, from downright
vexation of spirit, at its inability to fulfil the desire of its Craven
master. Further, the surgeon aforesaid " did not think 'hat keeping
up with the railway train from Windsor to Staines, a distance of seven
miles, was calculated to injure a horse." Why, of course not. The
horses of the sun do a little more than that (very day. If Apollo
had been subpoenaed, he could have proved this. Perhaps, however
Mr. Jennings had never heard of the witness.
The Magistrates deliberated and differed. Tiey gave Mr. Craven
t he benefit of a doubt; a benefit that, we hope, he will be enabled to,
make the best of. Doubt is, at times, not a bad poultice. With respect
to the groom, however, the Magistrates fined him in the full penalty of
£5, with £5 costs ; or, in default of payment, to be imprisoned for two
months and kept to hard labour. We further learn from ihe report,
thit "the decision evidently excited profound surprise." Doubtless,
the innocent Arcadians cf Staines expected to have Belcher sentenced
to take his place in the shafts of the dog-cart, vice the horse deceased,
and wiih Lieutenant Craven adjudged to the box, to be ru-a against
a lailwav-engine for an hour and a few minutes, with unlimited
gruel at the journey's end, and the heartiest feed (if he could only
swallow them) of the gallant Lieutenant's own wild oats.
To conclude, the inexorable Mr. Foster applied for the costs ot
Mr. Craven's prosecution (just as boys at Efou are made to pay
for their own birch), price £20, The bench granted £10 costs
against Mr. Cbaven, " as they thought Mr. Foster's application
a very reasonable one." Being so very "reasonable," it was, how-
ever, cut down to half. But such is the reward of mr deration at
Staines! .
Happily, we live not in heathen times, when the deed of Pythagoras
had its believers ; otherwise Lieutenant Craven might have thought
of a future horse, the properly of a future attorney, to be groomed by
a future groom, and examined by a future veterinary surgeon. As
horces go to the dogs, so might men passing into horses go to dog-
carts. Only imagine, now, a fine cavalry young gentleman, suflering
the law of transmigration of soul, doomed to the shafts of a dog-cart,
with an attorney (who does not think twenty-six miles an hour sharp
driving), blue-bag and all on the box, whipped and whipped, and
driven against a railway-engine, the impatient driver being a little late
from his chambers, Red-lion's Inn, to ca'ch the Morthern tram tor the
Northern circuit. , ,
But let us be thankful that we live not in heathen days; and let
Lieutenant Craven pay his groom's fine, and his own quota oi
expense, and rejoice that he is a Christian!