Punch (31.1856)

November 2*3, 1856,]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

211

A DELICATE EXCUSE.

.

Lady of the House, " We are sadly short of Gentlemen, Captain
Fitzdrawle.—Pi ay Jet me introduce you for the next Galop."

Able-bodied Swell. " Axo—tha-a-a-ank you, no—aw—fact is—aw—I've
given up Gymnastics—they—aw—disawange one's Dwess sol '

DOG-MARKET AND CANINE INTELLIGENCE.

We have to announce that a la^ge and sudden rise has taken tlace
in the price of dogs. The great prevalence of garotte-roberies is
creaU^g an enormous d:mand for those faithful and courageous1
animals. Dogs, indeed, are preternaturally bii.k at present, and are
lacking up in a quite unp;ecedented manner. It has become the
general feelhg tha1". a powerful and determined dog is a far mo;e
eligible street-companion by night than a levolver or a bowie-knife, and
constitutes the very best of life-preservtrs. A state of half-strangula-
tion is incompatiDle with the command of weapons. A victim, firing
at the iuffi.au who is throttling him, might miss the ticket-of-leave man
and shoot somebody else. If he hit the right man in the right place—
that is, shot him through the head or through the body, or thrust him
effectually in the sto nach or under the ribs—an itcpiesf., attended with
some anxiety, and much loss of time, and inconvenience, would follow.
A trustworthy and savage dog meets all the requirements of the situa-
tion, without entailing any unpleasant consequences. He instantly flies
at tt;e throat of the villain whose hand is at his master's, or he seizes
him by the leg; and moreover, when he has forced him to loose his
grips, he still sticks to him, and acts not only as a preserver, but also
as a policeman. Ia the mean time, he inflicts upon the scoundrel
precisely that sort of punishment which such a fellow is capable of
feeling, by causing his fang3 to meet in the miscreant's flesh.

Thoroughbred Newfoundlands have been in high request, and cross-
breeds with the Bull have found numerous putchasers. Tnere has
been a great inquiry for old EDglish mastiffs, and Scotch s.taghounds
have fetched considerable sum*. B itish bloodhounds have ranged
high; and Russian retrievers have been taken at handsome prices.
Ball-teniers have been more active than ever, and pure bulls have
gone up to the very highest quotations, an extraordinary value being
attached to these dogs by reason of their immense power of jaw, and
obstinate refentivenes3 of bite, qualities which they might be expected
to display upon occasion, in the most satisfactory manner, and with the
happiest effect, in pinning a brutal wretch of a garotte jobber by the
nose, and causirig the savage to roar and bellow delightfully.

Active measures are, we understand, in preparation with a view to
getting up a Large Dog Show, to take place concurrency with the
Exhibition of Fat Cattle. Government will act wisely in encouraging
trus project.; since the increasing maintenance of taxable animals will'
augment the revenue, besides tending to secure that protection for
life and property which is not at present afforded by the Home Office.

" Tbansfek, Office.''—The Office that Clerks now-a-days take upon
themselves of transferring the Shareholders' money into their own
pockets.

ODE TO BIG BEN.

O Ben!
Ten

Times more deaf'Ding than old Tom of Lkco.n :
Prod'gious cone!
_ Big monotone!
Elevated Upper Benjamin! When I thick on
How thy E natural—sonorous tonic,
Booming distinctly out, each clear harmonic—
Will wrao in sound the whole Metropolis • atd, five million ears
Bind with one common chord,—it, in good sooth, appears
To me, O leud pedometer for the Grim Old Runner !
That you are a stunner.

Monstrous memento !
Has thy tongue been sent to
Memorialise ''my Lords" from your tall steeple—
To tell the bore; s,
And senseless snoreis,
Who dream, forsooth, they represent the people,
That Time, wmich they so was'e in clubs and " pairs,"
Is, in reality, the Public's, and not theirs ?
Wilt thou, 0 giant Captain Cuttle!
When hourly "making a note on't," rouse the subtle
Barnacles to a tense of "how to do it? "
0 ; if} ou can't, to a dread of how they '11 rue if ?
Wilt thou remind Sir Chables, whose motto's "Tar-),"

That, as hia upper stories rips ai d ripe,
His basements tot and rot, and soon will car-y

You and your tower (unless he shore you well)

To wheie ycu will become, once more, a diving-bell ?

Tremendous Larura ! If, at each gieat stioke,

Of your enormous hammer,

Y. ur trembling clamour,
Purges the air of all the lies and smoke
'That seethe and vibrate at thy bese,

(And which for v -ry shame

Wi.l m^ke thy clock, g'icd dame,
Tor evrr hold her nand3 before her facf),
Then, 0 immense Percussion Cap ! I need
Not say, you '11 p.ove a public benefit, indeed.

" WARRANTED OLD AND DRY."

Sir A. Alison informs Europe, through the speaking-tiumpet of
his History, that it has not rained in E&jpt for 1700 years. As this
was announced to be the very last season of Yauxhall, perhaps the
" spirited lessee" is thinking of transferring the lloyal Property from
the Thames to the banks of the Nile ? A country where it never rains
would be for Yauxhall the very "Abode cf Bliss,'' which that melan-
choly place of entertainment was so ofttn advertising, but apparently
never found. But ai Sir A Alison makes the statement very posi-
tively that the rain has never fallen in Egypt for upwards of seventeen
centuries, may we politely ask "upou what grounds ?" It would
never do for Yauxhall, after escaping the Scylla of Lambeth, to fall
into the Charybdis of Memphis! By the bye, how very dry those
"forty sentries" must be, whom Napoleon spied looking down upon
his troops from the top of the Pyramids, considering that, for the last
1700 yeais, not one of them has had a blessed " d op in his eye !"
I Thirsty as the poor fellows must be, it is high time, we think, that they
were relieved.

WE LIYE IN SUSPICIOUS TIMES !

Cl^kks have lately been playing fast and loose to such an enormous
extent with their employer's money, that it is extremely difficult to
knosf whom to trust. We shall hear cf the Clerk of the Weather
havirg embezzled something next. He wiil betaken up piobably for
having been in the babi1; of skimming the Milky Way, and appropriating
for years the cream to his own u e ; or else he will be convicted of
transferring some of the brightest stais from the firmament, and stitch-
irg them all over his person, in order to be "a blaze of a_ swell," as
EsTEKHAzy wa3 at Mofcow. If we were Saturn, we certainly should
I count our rings every night, to see that none of them were missing !

Negligence is the Cause of Defalcation.

In the case of the robbery of tie G-eat Northern Railway, a delay
was granted for overhauling the books. As soon as these are got
through, and 'he deficiency ascertained, we thick the Directors should
be overhauled.