DOI Heft:
August 2, 1856
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16618#0055
august 2, 1866.j
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
47
fiie Public Health Bill's ghost-, all white,
Sat oq Cowpe&'s back as!ride,
And Db. Junker's outraged spate
Shook a lancet at bis side !
And the guests ^eie still, as small voices
shrill
To a wading choius grew,
" Look each on the ghost of the, Bill he lost,
And under the table threw ! "
" How dare ye sit, ye ministeres,
And eat of i he white, white, bait ?
How dare ye dine, and drink of the wine,
For thinking of our fate ?
" We innocents, that into life
Each in his offie? Durst;
Oh, happy those, who died in long-clothes,
Wm>e last reading was their first !
Who ne'er iived to be racked, and hewed
hacked,
In the Commons' House accurst!
" May our blood rise up on your hustings,
As it embrues your souls :
Even as it lies upon your heads,
May it weigh upon j our polls."
Like a warning knell their voices fell:
They vanished: the guests sat, still:
Silently Palmekston rang the bell,
Silently paid the bill.
Silently from the room they passed,
Sdently home were borne ;
And sadder, if not wiser men,
They rose the monow morn !
THE FRENCH DRAMATISTS AT SEA.
the. aid of English authors,
we are all in a state of tole-
lable famiiiaritv with the
A PEN AND INK PARLIAMENT.
Dtjkxng the Dog Days, most people are lazy dogs. Everybody is
yawning in the face of everybody ehe. Tne very clergyman yawns m
his pulpir, and his congregation yawn more than usually. All subjects
Modern School of French j lose their interest except money, and even upon that conversation
Drama, which begins with
a prologue half as long and
quite as important as the
piece itself; but there is
now a rage for two pro-
logues instead of one, and
the last novelty at the
Porte St. Martin, called
Le Fils de la Nuit, is a
drama in five acts, pre-
ceded by a couple of intro-
ductions. When a piece
lequires no less than two
preliminary explanations
before there is any chance
of its being understood,
the probability is, that the
drama itself will be doubly
mysterious, and the Fils de
la Nuit is as dark as its
flags.
Tne House of Commons, in particular, sinks into a state of most dis-
gusting apathy. It drops measures of the gravest importance as an
old gentleman, nodding after dinner, lets fall his Review. The destruc-
tion of these highly desirable and almost necessary bills, we playfully
and good-naturedly denominate the Massacre of ihe Innocents—as if
it were something funny.
The House ought to get its business over before the Dog Days. It
does not, for want of time. This want of time is occasioned by waste
of time in debate, which is not merely prolix and redundant, but
unnecessary. Oral debate is really altogether unnecessary. We all
know that no one Member is ever convinced by the speech of another.
He has made his mind up beforehand on the question, whatever it may
be, and the speech has no effect on him. It is meant for the News-
papers and the country. Then why go thiough the tedious formality
of reciting it? Would not the simple publication of it answer its
whole purpose ? We propose that the bore of Parliamentary speaking
should be abated ; and that debates should, for ihe future, be conducted
in writing. Thus a great saving of time would be effected. No debate
could occupy more than two nights. On the first night every member
title indicates. This ob- j could write what he had to say on the question before the House. On
scure production is ren- j the next night the Members could answer each other. This arrange-
dered still more ambiguous 1 ment would be attended with the obvious advantage that all the
by a double claim to the i Members could be writing at the same time; whereas it is impossible
authorship on the part of for a number of people to talk at once, so as to be understood:
two gentlemen, one of whom is said to have stolen the idea of the although that impossibility is not perceived by all disputants,
other ; but as the other seems to have had no ideas of his own to steal, j The House, according to the plan proposed, would meet merely for
the question of theft remains dubious. j the purpose of voting, and of creating opportunities for asking questions
Everybody at Paris will, however, go to see the piece, because it of Government, and receiving Ministerial statements. Members would
contains a tableau of a Ship at Sea—regularly tossed about on a Bet of; thus still be enabled to indulge in talk, and quite talk enough,
canvas waves, in true Adelphi style, a piece of tbeatiical navigation: To carry out this suggestion, nothing more would be necessary than
with which English audiences have loDg been familiar. 1 to establish a Parliamentary gazette, for the publication of the debates,
The French have, however, been taken by storm, for a storm on the to be sold cheap. The Newspapers would thus no longer be under the
stage is to them a novel effect, though we are accustomed to the tre-
mendous conflict of sheet iron, the pea3, the crash, and all the other
theatrical elements. We are not afraid of the importation of the ship
in full sail, for we have already had that done as well as it can be done
iu the Flying Dutchman; but we look with alarm ou the system of
double prologues, wnich may have tne effect of rendering doubly tire-
some the tedious importations from Paris, which our stage and our
audiences may be said to groan under.
A Queer Young Person.
A Lady's-maid has hitherto been considered of the feminine gender ;
fcut the following advertisement affords a specimen of one who appears
to be neuter ;—
AS LADY'S-MAID, A Young Person who understands all its branches,
ana is used to travelling.
If it is the Lady's-maid, what are its branches? Surely they must
resemble the limbs of a tree.
the two invalids ii? peter s boat.
It is not true, and we have no patierice with those who spread such
foolish reports, that the Bishops of London and Dokham are
retiring, simply because they are See-Sick!
necessity of publishing t^e dreary columns of p'ose, inconsequence,
stupidity, twiddle, and humbug, which constitute so much of the
reported utterance of cur Collective Wisdom.
The Decimal System.
Tre Tailors, almost to a fraction, are against the Decimal System.
They contend that, it anything is decimalised, tbey will he thought of
less then tlian they are even now. They are afraid that instead of its
requiring nine tailors, as at present, to make a man, teo, under the new
method of counting, will probably be required to make up the manly
complement. They intend, therefore, uniting themselves luio a body,
or rather a series of bo;iie«, and opposing ihe tithe of an encroaca-
ment ou their sartorial rights.
questionable heboes.
If Loud Cafuhoan is a Hero, then we have aright to ask a question
about an equally celeorated Tailor, who wag not flogged in the Crimea.
We wish respectfully to know: " If Smith is a Hero?"
Stray Shot.
There is no adhesive label like a nickname!
Waiting tor dead men's shoes is, in most measures, a bootless affair,?
Ladies generally shop in couples. When a Lady has any money to spend, she
dearly loves laking a friend with her to see her spend it 1
The number of poor poets is, if anything, greater tban the number of poets who are
poor! j.
Bad words, like bad shillings, are often brought home to the person who has uttered
them !
Life, we are told, is a journey—and to see the way in which, some people eat, you
would imagine they were taking in provisions to last them the whole leugh of the
journey!
Naval Intelligence.—It is expected that the Mammoth ship at
Blrtckwall will be/christened this year. It is now decided that, since it
is the biggest Screw in ihe -world, its name is to be that of—" Th*
Marquis of Westminster."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
47
fiie Public Health Bill's ghost-, all white,
Sat oq Cowpe&'s back as!ride,
And Db. Junker's outraged spate
Shook a lancet at bis side !
And the guests ^eie still, as small voices
shrill
To a wading choius grew,
" Look each on the ghost of the, Bill he lost,
And under the table threw ! "
" How dare ye sit, ye ministeres,
And eat of i he white, white, bait ?
How dare ye dine, and drink of the wine,
For thinking of our fate ?
" We innocents, that into life
Each in his offie? Durst;
Oh, happy those, who died in long-clothes,
Wm>e last reading was their first !
Who ne'er iived to be racked, and hewed
hacked,
In the Commons' House accurst!
" May our blood rise up on your hustings,
As it embrues your souls :
Even as it lies upon your heads,
May it weigh upon j our polls."
Like a warning knell their voices fell:
They vanished: the guests sat, still:
Silently Palmekston rang the bell,
Silently paid the bill.
Silently from the room they passed,
Sdently home were borne ;
And sadder, if not wiser men,
They rose the monow morn !
THE FRENCH DRAMATISTS AT SEA.
the. aid of English authors,
we are all in a state of tole-
lable famiiiaritv with the
A PEN AND INK PARLIAMENT.
Dtjkxng the Dog Days, most people are lazy dogs. Everybody is
yawning in the face of everybody ehe. Tne very clergyman yawns m
his pulpir, and his congregation yawn more than usually. All subjects
Modern School of French j lose their interest except money, and even upon that conversation
Drama, which begins with
a prologue half as long and
quite as important as the
piece itself; but there is
now a rage for two pro-
logues instead of one, and
the last novelty at the
Porte St. Martin, called
Le Fils de la Nuit, is a
drama in five acts, pre-
ceded by a couple of intro-
ductions. When a piece
lequires no less than two
preliminary explanations
before there is any chance
of its being understood,
the probability is, that the
drama itself will be doubly
mysterious, and the Fils de
la Nuit is as dark as its
flags.
Tne House of Commons, in particular, sinks into a state of most dis-
gusting apathy. It drops measures of the gravest importance as an
old gentleman, nodding after dinner, lets fall his Review. The destruc-
tion of these highly desirable and almost necessary bills, we playfully
and good-naturedly denominate the Massacre of ihe Innocents—as if
it were something funny.
The House ought to get its business over before the Dog Days. It
does not, for want of time. This want of time is occasioned by waste
of time in debate, which is not merely prolix and redundant, but
unnecessary. Oral debate is really altogether unnecessary. We all
know that no one Member is ever convinced by the speech of another.
He has made his mind up beforehand on the question, whatever it may
be, and the speech has no effect on him. It is meant for the News-
papers and the country. Then why go thiough the tedious formality
of reciting it? Would not the simple publication of it answer its
whole purpose ? We propose that the bore of Parliamentary speaking
should be abated ; and that debates should, for ihe future, be conducted
in writing. Thus a great saving of time would be effected. No debate
could occupy more than two nights. On the first night every member
title indicates. This ob- j could write what he had to say on the question before the House. On
scure production is ren- j the next night the Members could answer each other. This arrange-
dered still more ambiguous 1 ment would be attended with the obvious advantage that all the
by a double claim to the i Members could be writing at the same time; whereas it is impossible
authorship on the part of for a number of people to talk at once, so as to be understood:
two gentlemen, one of whom is said to have stolen the idea of the although that impossibility is not perceived by all disputants,
other ; but as the other seems to have had no ideas of his own to steal, j The House, according to the plan proposed, would meet merely for
the question of theft remains dubious. j the purpose of voting, and of creating opportunities for asking questions
Everybody at Paris will, however, go to see the piece, because it of Government, and receiving Ministerial statements. Members would
contains a tableau of a Ship at Sea—regularly tossed about on a Bet of; thus still be enabled to indulge in talk, and quite talk enough,
canvas waves, in true Adelphi style, a piece of tbeatiical navigation: To carry out this suggestion, nothing more would be necessary than
with which English audiences have loDg been familiar. 1 to establish a Parliamentary gazette, for the publication of the debates,
The French have, however, been taken by storm, for a storm on the to be sold cheap. The Newspapers would thus no longer be under the
stage is to them a novel effect, though we are accustomed to the tre-
mendous conflict of sheet iron, the pea3, the crash, and all the other
theatrical elements. We are not afraid of the importation of the ship
in full sail, for we have already had that done as well as it can be done
iu the Flying Dutchman; but we look with alarm ou the system of
double prologues, wnich may have tne effect of rendering doubly tire-
some the tedious importations from Paris, which our stage and our
audiences may be said to groan under.
A Queer Young Person.
A Lady's-maid has hitherto been considered of the feminine gender ;
fcut the following advertisement affords a specimen of one who appears
to be neuter ;—
AS LADY'S-MAID, A Young Person who understands all its branches,
ana is used to travelling.
If it is the Lady's-maid, what are its branches? Surely they must
resemble the limbs of a tree.
the two invalids ii? peter s boat.
It is not true, and we have no patierice with those who spread such
foolish reports, that the Bishops of London and Dokham are
retiring, simply because they are See-Sick!
necessity of publishing t^e dreary columns of p'ose, inconsequence,
stupidity, twiddle, and humbug, which constitute so much of the
reported utterance of cur Collective Wisdom.
The Decimal System.
Tre Tailors, almost to a fraction, are against the Decimal System.
They contend that, it anything is decimalised, tbey will he thought of
less then tlian they are even now. They are afraid that instead of its
requiring nine tailors, as at present, to make a man, teo, under the new
method of counting, will probably be required to make up the manly
complement. They intend, therefore, uniting themselves luio a body,
or rather a series of bo;iie«, and opposing ihe tithe of an encroaca-
ment ou their sartorial rights.
questionable heboes.
If Loud Cafuhoan is a Hero, then we have aright to ask a question
about an equally celeorated Tailor, who wag not flogged in the Crimea.
We wish respectfully to know: " If Smith is a Hero?"
Stray Shot.
There is no adhesive label like a nickname!
Waiting tor dead men's shoes is, in most measures, a bootless affair,?
Ladies generally shop in couples. When a Lady has any money to spend, she
dearly loves laking a friend with her to see her spend it 1
The number of poor poets is, if anything, greater tban the number of poets who are
poor! j.
Bad words, like bad shillings, are often brought home to the person who has uttered
them !
Life, we are told, is a journey—and to see the way in which, some people eat, you
would imagine they were taking in provisions to last them the whole leugh of the
journey!
Naval Intelligence.—It is expected that the Mammoth ship at
Blrtckwall will be/christened this year. It is now decided that, since it
is the biggest Screw in ihe -world, its name is to be that of—" Th*
Marquis of Westminster."