Punch (31.1856)

^.0gust 9, 1806.]

PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

59

BLOW HIGH BLOW LOWE.

Now that Parliament no longer
occupies the attention of the
public, or more properly
speaking the columns of the
newspapers, there is a pro-
spect for those gentlemen
who devote themselves so
energetically to observing
the weather, and who will
now obtain that notice which
their lucubrations fail to
attract during the perma-
nence of more exciting to-
pics. The indefatigable E.
J. Lowe, who continually
measures the " depth of
wet,"—perhaps by standing
up to his ankles in water—
and who enlightens us con-
stantly as to the " force of
the descent "—as exempli-
fied in its effects on his own
private umbrella, or some
public weathercock, will, for
the next few months, be a
valuable correspondent of
the Times,—whicb may one
day, in the dearth of other topics during the recess, take Mr. Lowe's communi-
cations as the subject of a dashing, or bearing in mind the " depth of wet," we
ought perhaps to say a splashing leader. The domestic habits of Mr. Lowe must
be such as to render him a perfect martyr in the cause of science ; for he always
tells us "the greatest cold in night," whicb he can only have discovered by sleeping
out of doors; and as he enlightens us as to the "minimum temperature on the
grass," it is probable that he selects some meadow for his couch, as literally
"a field" for his observations. One of his most recent reports announces "copious
dew," to which we fear we ought to add "abundant rheumatism." Weshouli
really be very sorry to give even our greatest enemy his " dew" in the style in
which Mb. Lowe is iu the habit of accepting it.

THE BISHOPS WISH.

{After Bloompibld.)

Be mine a modest pension clear

Of just six thousand pounds a-year ;

And to complete my humble l"t,

Give Fulham Palace for my cot.

Let me enjoy a quiet life,

Away from controversial strife ;

My daily meal should ne'er disturb

My trauquil mind! for meat or herb,

Or fish or fowl, I ne'er would look,

But leave it to my foreign cook.

My drink—I ask no better sort,

A bin of six-and-twenty port;

With now and then, to warm my veins,

Some Burgundy or brisk Champagnes.

Of cash I need no large amount,

But at a Bank a good account,

On which—(my tradesmen not to vex)-

To diasv from time to time my cheques.

My simple wishes thus supplied,

I into privacy will glide :

My Bishop's mitre I '11 resign,

And calm contentment shall be mine,

If they will only give me clear

For life—six thousand pounds a-year.

Ignorance of Indian Affairs.

The late hot weather has drawn attention to a subject to
which the British people have been h'therto inclined to pay
too little—the ttate of our Indian empire. The accuracy
and distinctness of general information respecting the
affairs of India may be judged of from the circumstance
that an opinion has been almost universally expressed that
the only comfortable class of the Indian population are the
Hid Coolies.

MORAL DEALERS IN MARINE STORES.

At a time when roguery is so rampant as it now is in the mercantile
world, the commencement of a moral movement in any class of com-
mercial men must be hailed with hope ; and those, who will be sorry to
hear that another Bank Manager has just been committed on a charge
of embezzlement, will, on the other hand, rejoice in being informed of
the failure of an accusation of being unlawfully possessed of certain
property, preferred against a marine stoie dealer. The case—which
related to a quantity of cooper, brass drillings, and a pewter pot—was
adjudicated on by Mr. Combe, who decided that the suspicion of
copper (to use the phraseology of thieves), &c, was groundless.
An additionally-cheering citcumstauce transpired on this occasion,
when, according to the police-report,

"Mr. Lewis, of Ely Place, attended on behalf of the prisoner, from the Marine
Store Dealers' Mutual Improvement Society."

That the room for imp ovement among marine store dealers is con-
siderable will probably be the general opinion—although some doubt
may exist as to the extent to which the object in view is likely to be
promoted by mutual association. Marine stores may be cleared of
some rust by mutual friction, but it is questionable whether a corre-
sponding process is calculated materially to brighten the characters of
those who deal in them. Can these vendors of old iron possibly intend
the word " Improvement" in irony P Should it not be translated " Pro-
tection?" Is not their Society an association for mutual defence con-
stituted on the principle of a union of fences ?

If the mutual improvement of the marine store dealers is really the
object of this society of theirs, it is to be hoped that the kindred class
of rag and bone merchants are admissible to the privilege of its
respectable membership. These varieties of the British merchant are
presumed to derive their distinctive titles of rag and bone *rom the
circumstance of their being open to the purchase of perfectly sound
linen, and making no bones whatever of buying any goods which may
be offered them at a sufficiently low price. Their affinity to the
marine store dealers is strongly suggested by the pictures exhibited
outside of many of their shops, of a sailor grinning from ear to ear,
and displaying a purse, supposed to contain the proceeds of a trans-
action with the establishment. The goods which this nautical
-ndividual may be conceived to have been disposing of are what in
'iyery sense of the phrase may be termed marine-stores. The tar is
often represented in company with an individual of the land service,

who appears to have been getting rid of property little less marine—
that is to say, of his kit. These pictorial suggestions are usually
rendered still more unmistakeable by the addition of poetry, printed in
large letters, announcing that good pries are given to all comer?, for
all manner of commodities; and informing cooks, especially, of the
marketable value of dripping atid kitchen stuff within.

The amelioration of this style of art and literature may be antici-
pated, if the object of the Marine Store Dealers' Mutual Improvement
Society, the Rag and Bone Merchants inclusive, is really to improve
their common style of business, and not merelv to cultivate the craft
by means of which it may continue to be carried on as heretofore with
increased impunity.

SPANISH CHESNUTS.

Lord Palmerston says that Louis Napoleon will not interfere
in Spam. Ha wdl look on, but nothing more ; beirg instructed by the
past. Once upon a time there wa3 a tiger-monkey wno longed for some
Spanish chesnuts—(the original Fable may be found in La Fontaine,
but our story is with a difference)—chesnuts roasting in the embers.
Tiger-monkey L, even with a long sword tried to rake the chesnut
from the fire, but somehow burnt his fingers: then Tiger-monkey II,
a very deep ape, indeed, took a fancy to a che«nut; and thought he
could whip at the chesnut with a wedding-ring; but never was
monkey so terribly burnt. But we have now, say-* Lord Palmerston,
a most sagacious monkey, who, however temptingly the chesnut mav
look and smell, will not risk the tip of his little finger for it.

The Session of 1856.

There was once a Parliament—(we do not live in such times now!)
—in which there were few or no lawyers ; and the profession in revenge
stigmatised the senate as the "unlearned" PdHument. Henceforth,
seeing the number of Bills dropt in the uast Session, the Parliament of
1856 may be known as the "abandoned" Parliament.

the fullness of folly.

" Beading makes a full man," says Bacon ; and " Fashion makes a
full woman," says Punch; tor certainly a woman, as she 13 dressed
according to the present fashion, could not well be made much fuller.