Punch (31.1856)

October 4, 1858,]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

139

THE CZAR'S CORONATION.

Described by Mr. John Thomas of Belgravm, to his cousin, Mr. Robebt
Snaffles, of Harkaway Hall, Hunts.

Otel, Arrotcgif, Hoctoberforth.
eer Bob, hive nothink helse to
do, so 'ye thyme to -write u
wurd

Of the rooshin Koronayshuu
whot i son & thort & erd :
Hand tbo i finds m dipbjcult

hi meen to rite in rimes,
As mistxje Bright did laitly,
wich I red rn in the Times
Hi spose yewve erd as all the
wurld ware theer as well
as me,

As all the wurld is haulways
wen thare's henny think
to C;

So everythin we hordurd weed
to pay phor thro the noes,
As all the wurld duz hallways
wen to sea the sites it gose.
Y, they arst a dnzzen rubels,
wich a rubel is 3 Bob,
For rooms weer scace a cat cood swina:, mutch less a inglish Knob;
And if u ired a dro^ky u was likely to be wriled,
To ear m say their regler fare it weer a lb a miled.
Hour bil at the otel wos quire eckstrorny to be scene,
And though the charge ware i we ad a lo stile of Kweezeen ;
But whot jon Bull as phawked out for Lobd grandwill's bed &
bord, it

Wns reelly sumtkink horfle, wich i ope e can afford it.

Well, fryda horgust twenty nine it was theer hopeniu day,
And the Hentry into mosko were whats kawled a grand sook?ay:
But ho! to tel you arf of wot I erd & thort & sor
Wood take me arf a wollum, wich peraps mite be a bor:
So though mi magnum bonum ave a kvorto at its tip,
Hile do as Mistur eogers trewly ses the flees do—Skip!

Sappbysit then to tell u the persesshink rteched a mile,
And samtimes made 1 cry Onkore, and surutimes make 1 smile:
Fust cam a sqwod o Coarse sacks,* with their trumpets & iheir drums,
A playink hof the Rooshin " C the Konkrin ero cums:"
Then on orses hand in youniforms, sum boldish and sum nu,
A lot o Knobs or nobles, hall a ridink 2 & 2;
Nex road the warius races as the rooshin Zars ave wud,
Wich thanks to er Allize as yet the turkish izzent 1;
Thare was Bashkirs, harjd Abash uns, hand Sir Cashy uns as wel,
Tcherkees & Daghitanhis—wich is horphul names to spell!
MiDgreeli uns, II Mirmy uns, & chaps from Gouriel;
Calmuks & Karapapaks—these is reelly orrid wurds—
And nex the Cream o Tartars, orl the way was choked with Kurds;
Awl these ad cum frum kuntries wich ave bowed to rooshin ames,
Hand all ad dresses hevveribit as singler as their names,
Wich some they wor bin velvet, coat, & veskit horl ia 1,
With preshus stones for buttings, wuth at least a underd pun;
And sum ad marshil youniforms, with weppons hold & noo,
Speers, pistils, sords & simmyturs, & battleaxes too,
Then huthers ad chain harmer on, wich some they korls it male,
So phine that like the Epsim gents thay wor it as a wale.
Sum ad their eds unkivered, & wore coins urjg in their air,
The same as ou thase watchchanes wuace hour swels was yoused to
ware:

And huthers on their phorreds ad a peece o mettle flat,
Wile huthers they wor turbins, & a sort o sheepskin at.
Hinn shawte 1 mite ave phansid 1 were at a marskerade,
Hor else at Hashleys surctis wen some pborrink peace is plade.

Then parst a eap of canidges, lobd Grandwills is ware wun,
Hambassydors from awlmost hevvty kort beneeth the sun ;
With oom the grand Court Martial, e were in a gingerbreddy
Hopink gilt feayton, wich its wheels they seemed unsteddy.
The State hofiishuls follered m, & and gawjus to beeold !
Then sicksty Gallient Phootmin hof the kort, all green and gold;
Oo walked as tho thare shews was tite, them henvius papers tell,
But haggerny's a triphul to a man as dresses wel.

Then cum for undid life guards, witch they korl em Shevvyleers,
And theer aint in all the Yuniverse no phiner troops i ears;
The men was all sixphooters, & thare orses such a ite_
As praps wood be too evvy if tbay hewer come to phite :
At leest so mister " Omntitjm," i spex he would ave sed,
W'tch his letters uppon kwvalry with hinterest i ave red.

* The Poet probacy alludes to Cossacks.—Ed.

And now the cry of " Ats orf " (in Reoshian), hand the cheer,
And anketers a warak show the Zar imself is neer:
Attd presenly we sor im pass huppon a pransin charjer,
Wich they ses e's like is farther tho in putn E were larger.
Is die^s were a green tunic, and Wenevernamems red,
And though it may seem singgeler a ca^k were on is ed:
Wich it wasn one of Barclays, but a elmet gilt and shinin,
Vith a ploom o cockses fethers, hand i bleeve a satting limn.
Sum say the hacclimayshins & the cheering & the crize
Hsffected im so deaply that the tiers stood in is ize :
This praps it were emoshing, yet twood be a triphle shawter
To've sed that as is ize is week the sun ad maid m water.

Wile the mujiks, wich they is the mob, was shoutin & a ollerin,
Hi turned my i's & hopperer glass to them as was a follerin.
Fust a crowd o grand E's wich dook Konstantine ware wuc,
And hallso the Cesarewich—peraps you've seen im run;
A duzzen huthers with em, I coont tel m wich was wicb,
Some ad names as end in HoflVki, gum ad naims as end in Hitch.
Nex the prinses came the horficer*, both millingtry and naval,
The hadmirals oo safe in port hour brittish ships did brave all:
These each ad plooms & meddles, and so thick they rode a'oug
No morttial cood say oo was oo, eccept a AidecoBg.

Nex parst the hempress dowwyjer, vith dimings on er ed,
In a bewtiphle ne* karririj, guilt & wite & blu & red :
W'ch was diored by ate fine awses, eech is arness all of gold,
Wile a suvvent called a "Paul fry near" thare bridils e did old
A roe of pages sat iu frunt, as close as they could pack,
So as to ide the coachmin— witch She'd helse ave seen is back!

The huther hempress' karridge, it were ekally as fine,
Er name is Halecksandbovner—bia^e glad it izzent mine !
For i phan?y at mi spellmk of it fokes ud roodly larf,
Wenever phor thier horlbums they tekvest my haughty g;arf.
Vith er the little grand dook, oo's the sun and air, E sat,
Hin millingterry yuni'oim, and p'letbers iu is at:
The muther seemed haffec^ed by the cheeriok & the noise,
Wile the boy is thorts was probbab'y the same as huther hoys;
A duzn or too dutcbesses tbi-y then brought up the reer,
Wich a galaxy of bewty & of dimings did apear;
And then the grand Persessink it at len*h were holy parst,
Eccep a phew mor fot-jers oo to finish it cum last.
So seeink very planely theer was nothink mor to C,
We shuts our hopprerglarses up, & orl goes ome to T.

But ear u must egscuge me, & i ope wont take it rood,
Cos sum wherry pressink bizness maiks me sudn'y konclood;
Phor i ears the suvnts' dinner bel, & bear's the suvnts' slavey !
Hand so no maw at presn from jon Tommtjs hof belgravy.

A DESIRABLE VOYAGE OF DISCOVERY.

If ever there was a charce of seeing a Policeman in London, it
would be at the present moment, when the streets are so completely
deserted. Anything wearing the sdiape of a human being would stand
out as boldly as the Sphinx in the Desert; but it would f eem as if a
Policeman was nothing short of a Sphinx himself, for his existence
seems to be a downright riddle. We doubt if Billy Black himself, with
all his wondrous facility iu guessing impossible conundiums, would
be able to find out sucti a riddle as a London Policeman. We pro-
pose that the Admiralty, as Britannia has nothing to do at present
but pick her teeth with her Trident, should fit out an Expedition to^go
in Search of a Policeman. And, as we are always recommended "to
set a thief to catch a thief," we further propose that at the head of
this Expedition, to take the command as Admiral of the Blue, there
be appointed a Policeman who has been dismissed from the Force. As
such a commander is likely to be acquainted with all the haunts and
hiding-places of his former companions—and to have at his Berlins'
ends a thorough nautical knowledge of the various bays and creeks in
which these rare crustaceous animals love to disport themselves—there
is some chance of the voyage being crowned with success. Upon
their return, an Admiralty Map of the country explored should be pub-
lished, marking for the benefit of future navigators the localities of the
best fisheries. But we prophesy that the Expedition will signally fail,
unless some such commander as the one we recommend is appointed.
The principle that shou'd guide the Lords of the Admiralty in their
selection should be " Set a Policeman to catch a Policeman." A good
clever Ticket-of-Leave man, who had been originally in the Feice,
would combine in his two capacities all the requisite qualifications for
the appointment.

Lord Luc an at Law.

Lord Ltjcan, as a vituperated hero of the Crimsa, has entered an
action against the naughty Daily News. Mce work for the wigs!
Well, some people are aever content; still we should have thought
that Lord Llcsn, above all men, had had quite enough of horse-hair