Punch (31.1856)

23y PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 13, 1856.

"SET A THIEF TO CATCH A THIEF."

{Being some Hints on Prison Discipline, addressed to Mr. Punch by an old Tickets-Leaver.)

,\^^^^." ' >nered Sib,—"As I
wa a - ayin in my last,
well I'm prowd on it
no w I seen it in print,
and my old oman too
—what prigs ates most
is ard work. Priggin
comes esy when wunce
you're up to it, and
then there's the
chances on i1; and the
changes too—ere to-
day and there to-
morrow — taters and
pint o Munday, and a
iolly blow out and as
much lush as you can
sto o Too»day. Bless
you, its a most as
excitin as pitch and
♦ oss, priggin is. Well,
you '11 Dever make
your ou+-an-out nat'ral
prig like work, but yon
can make him work,
and teche him there's
nuffin for him but work
in qwod or out, and
that on the hole work
out o qwod is better
than work in qwod by
a long chalk. And ow

is this to be done ? j on '11 say. Well, praps taint so esy to the big-wigs as it seems to your
umbel serfrint, but wot I say, is this ere—when a cove's quodded, if I was guvner of a jag, I'd
say, 4 Now look ere, my man,' gez I; ' you 're in here for prjg^in,' sez I; ' but don't you tbiuk
as ow you're a goin to live ere out o the public munney, and git your wittles ot and cumfur-
table and redar, and lodg- dry and slepe warm, and sich like, without wurkm for your bnb
and grub and lorjgin. All ere ams their keepe, my man,'sez I, 'and so must you,' sez I;
'and ow do you mene to do it?' sez I. Well, he'd look queered at fust, likel- enuff, and
if he knowed a trade praps he'd kepe it dark and say as ow he hadn't been brort up to

nuffio, thinkia it might elp him to a hesy time of
it in qwod.

" Well then I'd put him to summat as dont
nede no tecbiu such as stone-brakin or okum-
tesin, and I'd tell im 'that's bred-&-water wurk,
that is,' but o "sumever if he cant do no better
he must do that—and mind I'd put im on pece-
wurk, at a fare price, and Id fede him accordin
to his arnins, at a fare price too, and he should
live better or wus accordin as he arned more or
less—and if he sikened o' stone-braking or
okum-tesin, wich they ain't the most liveliest ways
of passin a feller's time, and axed to be tort a
trade, I'd have them as could teche him in the
jug, and I'd score his cost while he was larnin
it, to be pa;d up at a futur time, ether in or out
o' qwod ai the case might be, and I'd kepe a heye
on im till he pade it—mind yer—and the cost o'
keepin that prig in qwod should be a det for that
prig to pay—and prap-i I'd make him restore the
walley of wot he'd stole into the bargin—but
blessed if he should at pay for his keps in qwod
—any way.

" You see, Mr. Punch, wot I wants to git at
is, to make a chap fele when he's qwodded some-
thin' like ' sarve me rite,' and not to look on
hisself as a werry hinterestin' pashent in a
moral horspittle, wich is wot some on em calls
jugs—All gammon, chaps doesn't go and brake
ttfeir legs or ketch fevers on purpose to git into
horspHtles — they come to grefe and sickness
acos they can't 'elp it, but prigs mostly takes to
priggin acos they finds it the hesiest and plea-
santest life, and gits to like it, and chances qwod
and ail the rest o' the conseqwences.

"Now I no there's a dele to be sid agin wot
I proposes so far; fust and foremast they sez
'prison labur won't pay,' and then they sez
'prison labur'11 drive out 'onest men's labur.'
Well, I've my hanser to both them argimints, I
think; but 1 '11 kepe 'em for my neckst.
" So no more at present,

"From your 'umbel sarvunt,
"Jamss Darb?."

HIS EMINENCE ON THE PLATFORM.

Cardinal Wiseman is reported by the Star to have delivered, on
the evening of Wednesday, last week, a lecture which seems to have
combined instruction with amusement. The eloquence and learning of
the Cardinal supplied the former, and the latter may have been in part
derived from the circumstance that his Eminence appeared clothed in
the robe** of his office: which of course included red stockings.

Tne platform which the accomplished dignitary of the Roman Church
honoured on this occasion, was that of Myddleton Hall, Islington; the
subject which he selected for his discourse, was 'hat of " Recollections
of the four last Popes," and the object o' his remarks was, of course,
the laudation of those Pontiffs. There are days, we believe, whereon
Ca'dinals, in common wi h all other members of thfir persuasion,
abstain from butter. Thi; was not one of them: and certainly his
Eminence did lay it on thick. Yery possibly the subjects of that
process personally well me-ited its application, and are deserving of all
the kudos which the Cardinal assigns to them in his rich and flowery
style : in the meanwhile the French are obliged to occipj Rome.

Pope Pitjs the Seventh, by Cardinal Wiseman's account, was a
very fine old gentleman in a physical as well as a moral point of view :—

" Notwithstanding the afflictions which Pius the Seventh had to endure, not a
white or grey hair was to he seen on his venerahle head when at the age of eighty."

Of course this i* no proof of papal infallibility, unless we may suppose
that Pius the Sbventh was in possession of an lo'allible Hair Dye—
for which there is, however, no receipt, associated a< an heirloom with
the c mvr of Peter. Neither does in imply extraordinary sanctity, for
we know an instance wherein the same peculiarity distinguished a
copoer-nosed clergyman of the Church of England, who was excessive'v
addicted to port wine.

The Seventh Pitjs also used.on occasions to look intensely what he
called himself :—

<s*"i?f ™isb» b* leeuin,n State of a,most ecstatic adoration in the papal procession at
5!- a' u ^(Cardinal Wiseman) had never seen the beautiful and almost

!C1-k ? a?KV°^°n eXllbL'ea hy that Pontiff repeated since, beautiful as was that
exhibited by those who had succeeded him."

But how could the devotion of the P..pe, sincere as it may be sup-
posed to have been,have appeared beautiful to the beholders?' Had he

not his face in his hat—as the Archbishop of Canterbury would
have, if engaged in silent adoration? More reason for the hat in the
case of the Roman Pontiff, who, at the time named, was being carried
on men's shoulders, a^ in another report of the lecture the lecturer
himself is staged to have observed. Under those circumstances, being
paraded like Guy Fawkes, the Pope would naturally blush with shame
and modesty. Hence he would be peculiarly impelled to bury his
countenance in his tiara.

This same Pope appears also to hive been ei her a punster, or a
prophet, or both :—

" Pius the Seventh, hearing from the present Pope (who was then an officer in the

Papal army,) that he was subject to epileptic 6ts, told him that if he would enter the
Church, he would never relapse. The advice was taken, and never since had Pius
the Ninth been troubled by epileptic fits. (Applause.)"

Many a true word is spoken in joke. If Pius the Ssventh was a
wag. he might merely have meant to tell his destined successor that,
having once entered "the Church, be would never relapse into heresy,
thus giving him a sly poke for some heretical tend-ncy with which, as
well as witn epilepsy, we may conjecture him to have been afflicted.
The " applause " of the audience looks as if they took the story for a
joke : are they in the habit of applauding miracles when such things
are related to them ?

Mot people have their pets. Pius the Seventh was not exempt
from this weakness. His pet was a particular church, and

" Whilst Pius the Seventh was in his last illness, the terrible news spread through
Rome that St. Paul's church was on fire; but, as if providentially, the holy man
expired some days afterwards without having been disturbed by hearing the sad tidings
about his favourite church."

At such a time one would hardly have supposed that a Pope would
have thought or cared about any "terrestrial edifice; but of course a
Cardinal knows best about Popes.

The " ordinary dinner" of Pius the Eighth, " was salt cod," the
Cardinal tells us, and by the further statement that this uncommonly
cheap Pope lived at a rate altogether not exceeding 4s. a-d^y, he leads
us to in' _j that the repast was unaccompanied bj egg-sauce.

Of Gregory the Sixteenth Cardinal Wiseman says—

" Nothing could exceed his amiability. He had even the kindness to correct the
proof sheetsiof his'(Cardinal Wiseman's) works."

Was that such a very great bore ? No, no. We would not hear