Punch (32.1857)

182

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 9, 1857.

convicts at the House of Correction. It is the impersonation, on a
colossal scale, of our own aims and efforts—the audacious realisation ol
our humble possibilities. We thrill with awe—we long to bow down
and worship. This anonymous God of Society is, after all, no other
than our old friend Mammon, let him disguise himself as he will. We
see him on his throne at Gunnersbury, among the Mosaic miihonnaires.
They sacrifice to him with the same rites as ourselves, only with in-
finitely more cost and magnificence. They are slaves, as we are, but
they wear more gorgeous liveries. They too were working at their
social tread-mill, though the steps of the machine were of fine gold,
aud the rails of diamond; they too were bored; among them too every
honest man and woman at that Gunnersbury breakfast, writing him or
herself down truly, would have signed, as I do,

A sufferer.

THE GREAT TOBACCO QUESTION.

Experienced Smoker (loq.) *' Cigars? Pooh I—Cigars are all very well
for -Boys, but give me a Pipe/"

BROWN'S ACCOUNT.

Mr. Humphry Brown is, doubtless, acquainted with the Portu-
guese canon for a sonnet. It should open with silver and close with
gold. Mr. Humphry Brown opens his account at the Boyal British
Bank with eighteen pounds, fourteen shillings, and closed it with a debt
of upwards of sixty thousand pounds ! Is not this a silver opening with
a golden close ? Sdver and gold. Well, it is a pity that, such is the
law, we cannot have a little iron mingled with the precious metals. A
little iron ought to decorate the legs of the gentleman whose hands
have shut upon so much of other people's gold and silver. Mr. Brown
is—was—a great ship-owner. Well, it is a pity that Mr, Brown and
his companions of the British could not be invited to take a sea-voyage
to Bermuda. The very ship that Mr. Brown did not sell to Govern-
ment might be fitted up with every convenience for the transit. And
this Mr. Humphry Brown on the recent dissolution stood again for
Tewkesbury! Oddly enough, he was rejected; although a very little
while before his sympathetic and admiring townsmen presented him
with a candelabrum : a thing not to be hidden under a bushel of
Mr. Brown's imperfections. At the present time, Mr. Brown stands
tor nowhere. This is a pity ; this ought not to be : but then, the law
is imperfect, and the pillory is abolished.

Always the Napiers!

The Napiers are always bestowing something on their fellow-
creatures ; and if they shine in giving anything, it is when they
bestow their contempt." Last week, Sir William Napier was
very liberal of his contempt." We believe that if an earthquake
were to open under the Napiers, they would declare the shock to be

only worthy ot their contempt, and altogether beneath their notice."

A FASCINATING CHRISTIAN.

These Scottish Chieftains are "kittle cattle to shoe." At least, a
little shoe (under the above title) which Mr. Punch recently ventured
to put upon a chieftain called Campbell of Monzie, seems to have
pinched him, though he is not very precise in pointing out where it
hurts. However, he writes so gentlemanly a letter upon the subject
that Mr. Punch, who, like Caesar, "doth never wrong but with just
cause," hastens to reply. Mr. Campbell, or Monzie, as his own
reporter familiarly calls him, says that Mr. Punch " should have satisfied
himself that he had a correct report of Mr. Campbell's speeches,
before proceeding to hurt the public usefulness of a man professing
such principles." Mr. P.'s answer is brief. He certainly happened
to select the quotations from the Inverness Courier, and not from the
Inverness Advertiser. He knew the former to be a paper of high
character, and conducted by a gentleman who bears an honoured name
in literature. Moreover, Mr. Punch has so much confidence in British
journalism generally, (which repudiates the American system of re-
porting, wherein falsification and garbling are considered mere smart-
ness,) that he unhesitatingly takes the report of any respectable paper,
as material for comment. On examining the Inverness Advertiser,
(Mr. Campbell's organ), Mr. Punch does not find the expressions he
cited from the other paper, but Mr. P. knows a little about speech-
making and speech-publishing, and Mr. Campbell will permit him,
until farther notice, to believe that the rough and ready talk of the
platform is unceremoniously given in one paper, and that_ the second,
and revised thoughts of the speaker are given in the other. Mr. P.
conceives that he has both the " correct" and the " corrected" re-
marks before him. This is, however, a question for the two journals ;
and as to hurting the public usefulness of Monzie, (we have written
ourselves, like Sir Walter's Greenhorn and Grinderson, into fami-
liarity,) Mr. Punch designed exactly the reverse, having actually
suggehted a service which Monzie could do to the agriculture of his
country.

" Abroad in the meadows, to count the young" lambs.
And make up a list of their sires and their dams,

On paper so clean and so white.
In such pastime a Chieftain had better engage,
Than in talking himself into auger and rage.
And getting a wipe from the good-natured sage,
Who answers him now so polite."

RUSSIA IN ERANCE.

Much rose-water has been poured upon the bear. Duke Constan
tine has been most delicately treated on his way to Paris. All the
arsenals, all the dockyards, have been thrown open to him, whilst at
the same time all ugly memoranda of a late disagreement between
France and Russia were carefully set aside. Now and then, however,
the Duke would be over curious, aud so stumbled upon disagreeable
objects. Eor instance, at Toulon, there was the bell of Sevastopol
half-hidden under tarpaulin; why, bell-like, was it not wholly enve-
loped in Crinoline ? His Highness was slightly disturbed at the first
glance of an old acquaintance, but speedily recovered himself, and
eyed the bell as coolly as belles can, upon occasion, eye anybody.

("And looked upon the strange man's face
As one she ne'er had known.")

In Paris, the Duke has been shown all the sights, and—to the dis
gust of Austria—has sworn eternal friendship with the parvenu
Napoleon. Wherever he goes, the Duke is accompanied by General
Todleben : should His Royal Highness cross to England, it is under-
stood that he will be attended on his progress by Sir Charles Napier.
If the Duke should not have time to visit Woolwich, he will at least
examine, under the care of Sir Charles, the cutlass that was sharp-
ened by the precise firing that was to have knocked down Cronstadt.
The decorations bestowed upon Lords Lucan and Cardigan will
also undergo the honour of a very close inspection. It is reported
that a copy of William Russell's Crimean War has been magnifi-
cently bound by order of the Commander-in-Chief, and will be duly
presented to our distinguished visitor, but with this condition—he
must first pay the visit.

Clicquot's Glee.

Neufchatel, Neufchatel,

A Principality to sell!

Only for one million francs,

'lis almost giving it for thanks.

At such a price the bargain's funny.

Sold again, and got the money !

Reform.—In political as well as in all personal matters, tne synonym
lor to-morrow.