Punch (44.1863)

January 24, 1863.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

39

Sumter and .the Alabama, so expeditiously accomplished by the United
States Navy.

England, however, still comes in for a tolerable share of temperate
and truthful exposure. There is hardly a pin to choose between her and
France. It is just the difference between force and fraud:—

“ England awaits the result of the vote of the Greeks. She, of course, intrigues
and buys; but at any rate she does not take by main force. Mexico will vote with
a hundred thousand bayonets at her throat; Greece will vote with her pockets full
of bright golden images of Victoria. In the one case it is a matter of brute force,
in the other bribery and false promises.”

But really the United Statesmanship which supposes England buying
the votes of the Greeks for Prince Alfred—of course out of the taxes
—is prodigious. On consideration, this astute Yankee notion appears
more remarkable than that of England commanding the Bead Sea. If
the important ocean so Darned were indeed an English lake, we would
send the writer who has New-York-Heralded that fact to the world the
present of a basket of apples from its shores. Such a gift would aptly
reward such a regular ring-tail-roarer, and genuine original specimen of
an ultra-Know Nothing.

AMERICAN PEDIGREES.

Eothen, M.P. said, in his speech to his Bridgewater constituents, that
every American tried, if he could, to make out a pedigree that connected
him with some distinguished English family. We needed no ghost
from the East to tell us that. Everybody knows, or should know, that
Mr. Lincoln claims to be the great uncle of Lord Lincoln, and the
godfather of the eminent hatter, whose partner, Mr. Bennett, is,
according to James Gordon Bennett, his grandfather by the cousin’s
side once removed. Mb. Seward is the great-nephew of Miss
Seward, the poetess of Lichfield, and Mr. Chase is descended from the
poet Somerville. Mr. President Davis is the cousin of Lord
Maidstone tnat was, and Mr. Seymour is the uncle of Messrs.
Digby and Danby Seymour. General Butler is a member of the
Ormonde family, though they are not very proud of him, and hope that
the attempt that was made in old times to hang a certain Duke of
Ormonde will be repeated in reference to his descendant, but with a
different result. General Banks is somehow related to the distin-
guished Protectionist of that name, which accounts for the former
taking such good care of himself, and Mr. Secretary Benjamin is a
distant relative of Mr. Disraeli. The Honourable James Brooke,
democrat, is cousin to the missionary Bajab, and General Stuart is a
discarded son of the Vice-Chancellor, who considers himself the lawful
King of England, and who has such handsome legs that we should
certainly vote for him were there a vacancy. Mr. Quincy is the
American representative of the English Opium Eater, whereby the
narcotic tendency of Q’s orations is explained, Mr. Holmes is the fifty-
seventh cousin of the late celebrated Whipper-In, and consequently
fifty-eighth to Mr. Thomas Knox Holmes, the eminent Parliamentary
agent, and Mr. Norton is quarter-brother to the Honourable the Beak
of that name. General Bragg is brother to the eminent gunsmith,
who always quotes Canning’s verses about “Brother Bragg,” and
General Rosencranz is a lineal descendant of the unfortunate gen-
tleman whom the Prince of Denmark, by a most objectionable trick,
caused to be executed in England. Mr. Mason claims pedigree from
the poet and friend of Walpole, and Mrs. Stowe is a niece of the
Duke of Buckingham. Lastly, Mr. Whittier is a son of Mr. Bunch,
and was therefore of course originally named Witty, and it was only
his foolish American ambition which induced him to att empt the ridicu-
lous impossibility of being wittier than his parent. We are ashamed
to reproduce information which is in everybody’s possession, but wish
Mr. Kin glare to know that the British public is not so ill-informed
as he supposes.

A DERBY PROPHECY.

My dear Lord Derby, January 20th.

I know that you dislike betting. So do I. But there are occa-
sions when a little bet is a sort of seal which a man attaches to the
expression of his opinions—a kind of deposit, as proof that he is in
earnest.

I will bet a small sum of money—it shall be handed by the loser to
the Lancashire Fund, if you like—that this is going to happen.

You will, very soon after the Session opens, move for some papers on
foreign affairs. And unless I greatly mistake, you mean to open your
mind to Johnny Russell.

You mean to say that the Italian policy of Government has been a
blunder, and that it has forced Louis and Pius into positions of
obstinacy. You mean to laugh at poor Odo Russell for taking the
Pope’s joke au serieux, and to condole with Johnny on being equally
stolid, and thus being led into the impertinence of trying to frighten a
gentleman out of his own palace.

You mean to give it to Johnny well about the Ionian Islands, and to
laugh at him for having been done by the Ionians, who clamoured for

annexation to Greece, but who find ont, the moment such a thing is
offered, that it will not pay commercially.

You mean to have a good chaff about Gibraltar, but I rather suspect
that here ycu will also take a high English tone, and ask whether British
trophies are to be huxtered away in exchange for Gladstone treaties ?

. And I think you are going to touch on America, and ask what really
is the Ministerial view, that of Mr. Gladstone, who all but recognises
the South; or that of Johnny himself, who thinks the hour has not
yet come P

Now, my dear Derby, if you take my bet, I may show you that 1
know two or three other little things. You Conservatives made a great
secret of your intentions, but if you will do me the honour to look to
my cqlumns last week, you will see that I gave my friend Johnny plain
warning against you.

Shall I make you another offer ? You mean that a clever and
accomplished man, whom everybody likes, shall open afire of the same
kind in the House of Commons. Our friend B. D’L will have enough
to do with finance and other trifles. So the foreign attack is to be led
by Mr. S. F.

Is it not so? Call in Fleet Street, and I’ll give you some hints that
may be useful, for I am myself by no means satisfied with everything
that has been done, though I intend to keep Palmerston in.

Ever, my dear Derby, yours faithfully,

The Lord Derby, K.G. p®NC$.

VIRTUE ITS OWN REWARD.

No, Mr. Kennedy,

Courts will tell you, any day.

Counsel give uncovenanted Jaw :

It’s really quite nefarium
To think the honorarium,

Is subject for a suit at Law.

Still, the Judges feel compassion,

And in any moderate fashion
Would help you, though your client frown:

We won’t quite put your claim away;

You sought to take her name away,

So keep it—for you ’re now Done Broun.

Common Fleas, Jan. 16th. Erle, C.J.

Signs of the Times.

Out of compliment to the Bishops who have been trying to stop the
running of Excursion Trains on Sundays, a step which ceitainly would
drive poor folk to make excursions every Sunday to the nearest public
house, we understand that a vast number of the London ginshop-
keepers propose to use henceforward the sign of The Mitre.

Motto for Johnny’s Italian Despatch-Box.—“ Odo profanum
(PIum) et arced.”