Punch (45.1863)

[July Id, 1863.

22

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Monday, July 6. “ Ha, ha! Cured, iu an instant! ” Mr. Punch lias
not the faintest idea as to what he meant when he wrote the preceding
sentence; but he is quite certain that, whatever it meant, it could have
no reference to the fact that the Domes having been smashed, Mr.
Gladstone snubbed, Mr. Disraeli shouted down, and the Rebellion
settled, Lord Palmerston’s slight indisposition vanished, and he was
in his place again to-day. The phrase seems meaningless, but it may
remain. No executions have followed the subsiding of the rebellion,
Lord Elcho has not been ordered to be shot by the English Eight at
Wimbledon, Mr. Henley has not been condemned to attend a series
of Social Science Meetings at Exeter Hall, nor is Mr. Doulton to be
drowned in the Thames over which there gently spreads the aroma
from his potteries. It is to be hoped that this lenity on the part of
Government will not be productive of ill effects, and we will accept the
significant cheer which greeted the Premier as an indication that all
persons concerned in the revolt have resolved to become good partisans
for the future.

The London, Chatham and Dover Railway is just now Everywhere.
No matter into what out-of-the-way nook you go in the most distant
recesses of the country, you find works which are expounded by a
painted board to have connection with the L. C. and D. line. It, must
be a very difficult and curious process to get from London to Chatham
and Dover, and except that nobody in this world ever goes to Chatham
who can help doing so, and that Dover is expressly made to be got
away from as soon as possible (not the more slowly for the frantic
charges at the hotels) one would exult in the engineering genius
that is called out by the construction of the line. Among other dis-
coveries the makers of the line find out the fact, that we cannot go to
cheating Chatham and dear Dover without blocking up St,. Paul’s
Cathedral. Of course, in these days, one would pull down Cathedral,
Abbey, or Castle that in the slightest degree interfered with a railway
conspiracy, aud therefore it is matter of congratulation that St. Paul’s
is only to be secreted, not demolished. A mild attempt on the part of
Alderman Sidney to get a hearing for the City of London on the
subject was scouted indignantly.

Lord Palmerston casually mentioned that the House did not desire
to sit much beyond the end of the month. We should think not, and
if it does, we shall not be detained by its desire. We shall close our
record at what we consider the proper time, and simply remark, in the
spirit of a song with which the late Mrs. Eitzwilliam, en garQon,
amused us about, ninety years ago:—

“ The Lords and the Commons we ’ll lay on the shelf,

Pal a lal la, ah, fal a lal la,

If you want any more you may sing it yourself,

Fal a lal la, ah, fal a lal la.”

Touching Poland, the Premier was glad to be able to say, that
England had adhered to her standing policy of not contracting pro-
spective arrangements with regard to events which cannot be precisely
foreseen. This means, in English, that if Erance goes to war with Russia,
we are not bound to help Erance.

Mr. Ayrton then came forth with the profane proposition to put an
end to the Commissioners of the 1851 Exhibition. It is painful to have
to advert to such irreverence, but duty before delicacy. We are there-
fore reluctantly compelled to write, that Mr. Ayrton ridiculed the
Commissioners and their doings, scoffed at Arcadia, sneered at the
Boilers, abused the International hinted at intrigues at which the
House had, he said, manifested indignant disgust,” and declared
that as the Prince who alone of all concerned had really devoted himself
to the promotion of Science and Art had passed away, the body over
which he had presided (and Mr. Ayrton somehow introduced the
word Parasites) was no longer to be tolerated. Rut the House was not
in a humour to push victory to excess, and after a very short debate,
Mr. Ayrton’s proposition was negatived by 165 to 12.

Lord Naas protested at great length against our proceedings in
China. Mr. Seymour Fitzgerald dwelt with ability upon a question
which is of too much importance to be neglected, and which Govern-
ments and Oppositions ought to consider apart from political questions,
namely the increase of Russian influence in the China seas and parts
adjacent. Lord Palmerston admitted that Russia had largely
encroached on Chinese territory, but said that Erance, Russia, and
England were agreed on a policy. Does this mean that we are to
balance Russian encroachments by seizures of our own P Government,
of cour^p, delended. itself in regard to our assistance to the Imperials.
The worst of adhering to the Imperial is that it involves a Tip—eh,
Mr. Chancellor oe Exchequer ?

Lord Palmerston, some little time back, you know, proposed
to move two votes, one for the International, the other for Fortifica-
tions. The first he thought so pressing that he caused his Lieutenant
to ask it in the absence of his chief, which was done, with indifferent
success. The second, being only a matter of national defence, his Lord-
ship kept until he could attend to it himself, as he did to-night, and
with great ease obtained £650,000, for the defence of the dockyards and

arsenals, for defending Dover aud Portland, and for the creatiou of a
Central Arsenal.

Tuesday. Lord Noumanby asserted that anarchy of the most horrible
kind reigns in Greece. The Greeks do not appear to be in the most
delightful state of contentment with their improved prospects, and that
is the truth.

We stated that when the Chancellor introduced his Bill for revising
the Statute Law, we were so astounded at the magnitude of the wotk
to be done as to be incapable of expressing our ecstasies. Being now
a little better, thank you, we are happy to say that the Bill has been
read a Second Time, and that there is good prospect of the Laws being
boiled down into a decent dish of justice. Law is like spinach, and can
lie in a very small compass, if you will take away the gammon.

If Salmon is not sixpence a pound instead of half-a-crown, next
season, we shall insist on the Irish Members being impeached for their
incessant debates on the subject. Meantime Englishmen, as usual, are
going practically to work while Irishmen talk. There are, thanks to
Mr. Franr Bucrland, very good Salmon in the Zoological Gardens,
and we hope that ere long Salmon cutlets will be added to the very
excellent refreshments obtainable there.

Mr. Baillie Cochrane does not like the architecture of London,
and wishes a permanent Bricks and Mortar Minisler appointed instead
of the Works. Mr. Cowper declared that he was excessively perma-
nent, at least that his office was, and that its duties were excellently
performed. The House was with him by 116 to 21.

Lord A. Churchill introduced a Bill (not to be considered this
year) for settling the Church-rate question by abolishing penalties for
non-payment. Alderman Sidney justly aud wittily remarked, that
Churchill’s proposal was enough to make the Church ill.

It was being explained how infamously the Indian Government had
treated His Highness Azeem Jah, of the Carnatic, when the House,
uuable to bear the recital of his wrongs, was Counted Out.

Wednesday. The House of Commons was creditably occupied. A
Bdl, promoted by Mr. Paull, for preventing the murder of small birds,
was read a Second Time. The idiotic persons who shoot these useful
little creatures, and the execrable blockheads who poison them, are
doing more mischief to agriculture than cau easily be imagined. The
better class of farmers repudiate the practice of slaughter, but it is the
stupid jackass who plugs up live mice in trees, won’t plough on a
Friday, nails a horse-shoe over his door, burns a calf to cure disease in
his cattle, thinks the Census unlucky, and refuses to make agricultural
returns, who kills the little birds, and grins approvingly when the
Sparrow Club vaunts, over gin-and-water, of its cowardly murders.
Nothing but the law, and a good kick, can persuade such folks that
Providence did not send birds to do good. A clergyman at Worthing
says that the miscreants in that demoralised region killed 13,800 gold-
finches in one year. Government is in favour of the Bill, and so is Mr.
Sclater-Booth, who is related to the excellent Secretary to the
Z. G., and talks with authority upon ornithology.

Lord Raynham, who is always trying to do kind things, moved the
Second Reading of a Bill for putting an end to the brutalities we read
of as perpetrated upon the “Casual Poor.” He wishes to constitute a
tribunal for helping the helpless. Sir Baldwin Leighton talked
nonsense against it, as might be expected, and Mr. Ayrton made a
remark which is worth notice. He was obliged to Lord Raynham
“ for sparing the Metropolitan Members an invidious task.” That is,
the Metropolitan Members do not like to offend Bumbledom. Imagine
gentlemen afraid of Beadles! The Bill was generally approved, but
was withdrawn for amendment of detail.

Then, in opposition to the Government, which is now regularly
defeated at least once a week, and sometimes oftener, Mr Laikd
carried by 119 to 44, majority 75 against the Ministry, a Bill for com-
pelling the Mercantile Marine to test the anchors aud chain cables used
on board merchant ships. Of course the measure was “ arbitrary,”
and “interfered with business,” and “imposed new duties on the
Board of Trade,” and was “ unwarrantable,” and all the rest of the
cant, but the House thought that the lives of merchant-sailors were
worth looking after.

Thursday. Those two Ionian Judges have persuaded our own elegant
ex-CHANCELLOR Crelmseord that they have got a grievance, and he
was eloquent to-night about their dismissal, and demanded papers. The
Dure oe Newcastle thought that their friends would have done more
wisely in abstaining from such a demand, but Lord Derby, having a
little surplus Latin left over from Oxford, let it off at the Minister, and
the papers were granted.

Tbe Premier is vigorous about his Fortifications, aud to-night
moved the Second Reading of his Bill. Mr. Cobden made a speech
against the scheme, and begged Lord Pam to answer him with reasons
and not with jokes. Mr. Osborne, therefore, was justified in taking
up the funny view of the case, and did so, and in reference to the Pre-
mier’s power of controlling the tempestuous spirits in the House,
called him iEolus. Lord C. Paget, the once declamatory naval re-
former, ridiculed the “ cheese-paring ” policy of economy, and Mr.
Newdegate seriously complimented ihe Liberals on being emancipated