DOI issue:
August 15, 1863
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16872#0076
August 15, 1863.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 65
HOW, WHEN, AND WHERE?
OR, THE MODERN TOURIST S GUIDE TO THE CONTINENT.
rthy of tlie gravest con-
sideration to the tourist is
the subject of Dress. The
choice of costume, specially
as regards the adoption of
old clothes, must depend a
great deal upon previous
habits. Provide yourself,
however with—
A Reversible Coat, black
one side and white the
other, with tails to hook
on in case you want to go
to an evening party.
Reversible Boots, so that
you may be able to retrace
your steps with ease. Let
them be very neat, for it
always is a point to turn
out your toes well.
Travelling is dull work,
sociably speaking, or, we
should say, not sociably
speaking. Take our advice,
and break through any
bashfulness and awkward
reserve in opening a con-
versation with a chance
companion.
Before we step into the train, a carriage must be selected. Choose
one where the only available seat is filled with the boxes, rugs,
sticks, &c., belonging to the occupants. Insist upon these being im-
mediately removed. When this operation has been performed, and
every one is more or less uncomfortable, say you’ve changed your
mind, and shan’t come in. Walk a little way from the door, then return
to request them to keep the seat for you. Wait until three minutes
before the train starts, when lose no time in shoving your fishing rod,
desks with unpleasantly sharp comers, telescopes, sticks, umbrellas, and
curiously impracticable hat boxes, under the seats. You must be very
careful in looking after your luggage; therefore, at frequent intervals
during the journey rummage about among the passengers’ legs with
your stick, in order to ascertain the safety of the various articles. If
you miss anything, at once charge travelling companions, individually
and collectively, with the theft. Even lif they haven’t stolen it, t’ will
serve as a pleasant little ruse for breaking the ice and navigating a
north-west passage to conversation point. If they won’t second you in
your laudable endeavours, whistle, hum, sing, eat oranges, and let the
window perpetually up and down in order to dispose of the peel.
Should you happen to be shut in with a solitary companion, say, for
instance, an elderly gentleman inclined for sleep, the following will be
found an excellent
Scheme for a Railway Conversation with an entire stranger (elderly
First Class)
How do you do, Sir ? I hope you are pretty well ? It is a very fine
day, a very wet day, a queer day, a tooral-li-day, &c., as the case may
be. Seen the Duke's Motto ?— [Here give a succinct account of the plot,
finishing with, of course, an imitation o/'Mr. Fechter.
Been to the Opera 'J Fleard Lucca and Patti ?— [Here give imita-
\ tions of Lucca and Patti: this is the way to get on in the world and
| make yourself a pleasant companion.
Of course you’ve travelled by the Underground Bailway? Nop
Dear me ! well then, &c., &c. [Here give imitations of the Underground
Railway: say sssssssssssssh to imitate steam, and shriek when representing
the passage through a Tunnel; these embellishments to your discourse will
render the account graphic and life-like.
Seen Pipper’s Ghost, I mean Dircks' and Pepper’s Ghost? No !
I have. Look here, this is the way it’s done.—[Here show him the way
it ’s done.
Been up in a Balloon ? No! Dear me ! What, never been up in a
Balloon ? Not with Glaisher? Lor’ Glaisher goes up in a balloon
with Coxwell, and, when they’ve reached an altitude ot 300,000,000,000
feet, their breath is taken away and, &c., &c.— [Here show him how
Coxwell and Glaisher reach an altitude of 300,000,000,000yL?/, and
take his breath away.
Ah! Stopping at a station? Hungry, eh? No—dear me. Thirsty?
No ?—What are you going to stand ?— [It will now be his turn to show
you what he’s going to stand ; only, if he stands this sort of thing much
longer, he will be a greater muff than we take him for.
Adapt yourself to your company; if your fellow traveller be a Bishop
or Archdeacon, the following scheme will serve your turn:—
How are you, eh ? Like wearing Gaiters, and Shovel Hats ? I saw
you at Ascot. You old doo, you!—[Here dig him in the ribs.
I’ll write to the Archbishop, you sly dog, I will. I say, did you see
the last Fight for the Belt ? You didn’t —my eye !—well you must
know that when Jem’s Novice drew the claret from the Dustman’s
smeller, &c.— [Here illustrate the action of drawing his claret, and so on
through the several rounds.
Good Ballet at Her Majesty’s this year ! fine gals—rather. I say do
you kuow that capital story about-[Here tell him that capital story
about-.
1 ’m told the Bishop op London isn’t going to shoot this year—eh,
why?—because he was seen drawing his Charge—ha! ha! ha!—had you
there, &c., ad libitum.
All this is very cheerful, sociable, and sprightly, and will carry you
down to Dover, Newhaven, or S’thampton Water as pleasantly as
possible.
Anybody who has any money to throw away should put himself into
communication with “ A Barrister,” who, in a letter to the Post, under
the title of Foreign Lotteries, thus writes :—
“ I have received by post'a printed circular, but without the name of any printer,
which informs me of a * Grand Money Distributiomof the Loan of the Grand Duchy
of Baden,’ and of the ‘245th Hamburgh State Distribution.’* The drawing of the
prizes is to take place at Carlsruhe on the 31st of August instant, and at Hambm*gh
on the 24th September next. Orders for shares will be strictly executed, provided
they are accompanied with the necessary remittances to Mr.-, General Merchant,
Guernsey, or to Mr.-, Proprietor of the official Guernsey Gazette. The names I
have purposely left in blank.”
Of course, “A Barrister” will be happy to give the names of the
parties in question, to any gentleman labouring under a plethora of the
purse, and desirous of lightening his pocket. An eminent operator m
ophthalmic surgery remarks : “ The Grand Money Distribution ot the
Loan of the Grand Duchy of Baden is, like an opacity on the cornea,
a bad spec.; but if you call that a partial and morbid view of the
thing, then 1 may venture to describe it as all my eye.” In the City
it is generally remarked, that the Hamburgh speculation is as bad as the
Baden, if it is not a worse ’un, and that the Baden as well as the Ham-
burgh is all humbug. There is much significance in A Barrister s
observation that he has left the names of the gentlemen who are open
to receive remittances for the Hamburgh and Baden lottery-shares, in
blank Anybody who may think it prudent to send them any money-
may safely calculate that the number of any lottery ticket which he may
get in return will correspond exactly to their names as above stated.
Election Intelligence.
Major Waterhouse has been returned for Lord Houghton’s
“ abandoned cave” Pontefract (we use “ abandoned” in its poetical
sense) and Sir E. Head has not. Waterhouse, however, owes his
election not to his Conservatism but to the hot weather. With the glass
at 80, the name Waterhouse brought a cool, sluicy, refreshing idea.
The Liberals were idiots not to re-christen their man Sir New River
Head.
HOW, WHEN, AND WHERE?
OR, THE MODERN TOURIST S GUIDE TO THE CONTINENT.
rthy of tlie gravest con-
sideration to the tourist is
the subject of Dress. The
choice of costume, specially
as regards the adoption of
old clothes, must depend a
great deal upon previous
habits. Provide yourself,
however with—
A Reversible Coat, black
one side and white the
other, with tails to hook
on in case you want to go
to an evening party.
Reversible Boots, so that
you may be able to retrace
your steps with ease. Let
them be very neat, for it
always is a point to turn
out your toes well.
Travelling is dull work,
sociably speaking, or, we
should say, not sociably
speaking. Take our advice,
and break through any
bashfulness and awkward
reserve in opening a con-
versation with a chance
companion.
Before we step into the train, a carriage must be selected. Choose
one where the only available seat is filled with the boxes, rugs,
sticks, &c., belonging to the occupants. Insist upon these being im-
mediately removed. When this operation has been performed, and
every one is more or less uncomfortable, say you’ve changed your
mind, and shan’t come in. Walk a little way from the door, then return
to request them to keep the seat for you. Wait until three minutes
before the train starts, when lose no time in shoving your fishing rod,
desks with unpleasantly sharp comers, telescopes, sticks, umbrellas, and
curiously impracticable hat boxes, under the seats. You must be very
careful in looking after your luggage; therefore, at frequent intervals
during the journey rummage about among the passengers’ legs with
your stick, in order to ascertain the safety of the various articles. If
you miss anything, at once charge travelling companions, individually
and collectively, with the theft. Even lif they haven’t stolen it, t’ will
serve as a pleasant little ruse for breaking the ice and navigating a
north-west passage to conversation point. If they won’t second you in
your laudable endeavours, whistle, hum, sing, eat oranges, and let the
window perpetually up and down in order to dispose of the peel.
Should you happen to be shut in with a solitary companion, say, for
instance, an elderly gentleman inclined for sleep, the following will be
found an excellent
Scheme for a Railway Conversation with an entire stranger (elderly
First Class)
How do you do, Sir ? I hope you are pretty well ? It is a very fine
day, a very wet day, a queer day, a tooral-li-day, &c., as the case may
be. Seen the Duke's Motto ?— [Here give a succinct account of the plot,
finishing with, of course, an imitation o/'Mr. Fechter.
Been to the Opera 'J Fleard Lucca and Patti ?— [Here give imita-
\ tions of Lucca and Patti: this is the way to get on in the world and
| make yourself a pleasant companion.
Of course you’ve travelled by the Underground Bailway? Nop
Dear me ! well then, &c., &c. [Here give imitations of the Underground
Railway: say sssssssssssssh to imitate steam, and shriek when representing
the passage through a Tunnel; these embellishments to your discourse will
render the account graphic and life-like.
Seen Pipper’s Ghost, I mean Dircks' and Pepper’s Ghost? No !
I have. Look here, this is the way it’s done.—[Here show him the way
it ’s done.
Been up in a Balloon ? No! Dear me ! What, never been up in a
Balloon ? Not with Glaisher? Lor’ Glaisher goes up in a balloon
with Coxwell, and, when they’ve reached an altitude ot 300,000,000,000
feet, their breath is taken away and, &c., &c.— [Here show him how
Coxwell and Glaisher reach an altitude of 300,000,000,000yL?/, and
take his breath away.
Ah! Stopping at a station? Hungry, eh? No—dear me. Thirsty?
No ?—What are you going to stand ?— [It will now be his turn to show
you what he’s going to stand ; only, if he stands this sort of thing much
longer, he will be a greater muff than we take him for.
Adapt yourself to your company; if your fellow traveller be a Bishop
or Archdeacon, the following scheme will serve your turn:—
How are you, eh ? Like wearing Gaiters, and Shovel Hats ? I saw
you at Ascot. You old doo, you!—[Here dig him in the ribs.
I’ll write to the Archbishop, you sly dog, I will. I say, did you see
the last Fight for the Belt ? You didn’t —my eye !—well you must
know that when Jem’s Novice drew the claret from the Dustman’s
smeller, &c.— [Here illustrate the action of drawing his claret, and so on
through the several rounds.
Good Ballet at Her Majesty’s this year ! fine gals—rather. I say do
you kuow that capital story about-[Here tell him that capital story
about-.
1 ’m told the Bishop op London isn’t going to shoot this year—eh,
why?—because he was seen drawing his Charge—ha! ha! ha!—had you
there, &c., ad libitum.
All this is very cheerful, sociable, and sprightly, and will carry you
down to Dover, Newhaven, or S’thampton Water as pleasantly as
possible.
Anybody who has any money to throw away should put himself into
communication with “ A Barrister,” who, in a letter to the Post, under
the title of Foreign Lotteries, thus writes :—
“ I have received by post'a printed circular, but without the name of any printer,
which informs me of a * Grand Money Distributiomof the Loan of the Grand Duchy
of Baden,’ and of the ‘245th Hamburgh State Distribution.’* The drawing of the
prizes is to take place at Carlsruhe on the 31st of August instant, and at Hambm*gh
on the 24th September next. Orders for shares will be strictly executed, provided
they are accompanied with the necessary remittances to Mr.-, General Merchant,
Guernsey, or to Mr.-, Proprietor of the official Guernsey Gazette. The names I
have purposely left in blank.”
Of course, “A Barrister” will be happy to give the names of the
parties in question, to any gentleman labouring under a plethora of the
purse, and desirous of lightening his pocket. An eminent operator m
ophthalmic surgery remarks : “ The Grand Money Distribution ot the
Loan of the Grand Duchy of Baden is, like an opacity on the cornea,
a bad spec.; but if you call that a partial and morbid view of the
thing, then 1 may venture to describe it as all my eye.” In the City
it is generally remarked, that the Hamburgh speculation is as bad as the
Baden, if it is not a worse ’un, and that the Baden as well as the Ham-
burgh is all humbug. There is much significance in A Barrister s
observation that he has left the names of the gentlemen who are open
to receive remittances for the Hamburgh and Baden lottery-shares, in
blank Anybody who may think it prudent to send them any money-
may safely calculate that the number of any lottery ticket which he may
get in return will correspond exactly to their names as above stated.
Election Intelligence.
Major Waterhouse has been returned for Lord Houghton’s
“ abandoned cave” Pontefract (we use “ abandoned” in its poetical
sense) and Sir E. Head has not. Waterhouse, however, owes his
election not to his Conservatism but to the hot weather. With the glass
at 80, the name Waterhouse brought a cool, sluicy, refreshing idea.
The Liberals were idiots not to re-christen their man Sir New River
Head.