Punch (45.1863)

116

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[September 19, 1863,

back ! and the vociferous shrimpers, and the bathing-women, and the
en'ire morning over again. I shall go out.

5 P.M. — 1 can stand it no longer. All London is here. 1 have told
the boatmen twenty times that I’m not going out for a sail; and the
flymen evidently think it perfectly impossible for me to walk. I will
go back and eliminate x.

5.30 p.m.—Boatmen in again. More fish for sale. Post Horn!
Third Edition of the Morning Paper.

Now we come to my prupusal. Breezer wauts change of air and
noise: I require change of air and quiet. Both of us are representatives
of a class. Breezes, represents a class; so do 1. Mine, I should say,
is a first class. Breezer’s class is well cared for. There’s Brightgat.e,
and Marton, and Ramsborough, and Scargate cum multis aliis all for
him. But for me and my first class there is absolutely no place found,
unless we give up our rights as members of a civilised community, and
sojourn on some remote shore where the Times of five days ago is
a luxury, and Punch a month old a literary treat beyond the reach of
words. Let Breezer and his kind betake themselves to their marine
Vanity Fairs ; be it for me and mine to take lodgings near the Delectable
Mountains, with a fine open view of the sea, and my peaceful London
paper every morning.

Let there be a company (limited of course) formed, whose object shall
be to provide a suitable watering-place for the lovers of quiet. Let
them get a charter for the said town, and therein let the following
stringent rules be set down:—

1st. That the time commonly called ‘ cock-crow5 be abolished; and,
that, any cock neglecting the first warning, shall be killed, and devoured
by the person or persons whom be may have disturbed.

2nd. That to obviate all annoyance by postmen knocking and ringing,
every one shall call at the post office for his own letters, that is, if he
do earnestly and heartily desire to see them, which is, we hold, a rare
and exceptional case.

3rd. That no one shall consult anybody else upon any business what-
ever.

4th. That no band of music be hired to play on, or in, any part of this
town on any pretence of amusing the inhabitants thereof.

5th. Further, that no man with a blackened face, or collection of
men with blackened faces, carrying musical instruments of torture, to
wit, banjo, bones, accordion, fiddle, castanets, triangle, kettle-drums,
and such like, shall dare to lift up their voice or twang their instru-
ments, or both, or either, within four miles of this quiet town, on pain
of being washed. And what time the inhabitants shall hear the banjo,
bones, accordion, fiddle, castanets, triangle,kettle-drums, any, either, or all
of such instrument s of torture, they shall rise up in concert and play upon
saul offenders with fire-engines, whereby said offenders shall be washed.

“ And from the mouth of our town
Add thus much more :—That no Italmn boy
Shall play or troll in our dominions

7th. That all organ-men be excommunicated from our town by the
ancient ceremony of bell, book, and candle; omitting bell and book as
conducive to noise.

8th. That on Sundays, as every one shall know what time Church is,
no bells need be rung.

9th. That anybody, of whatever degree he may be, who shall make,
or cause to be made, any sort or kind of noise between the time of mid-
night and midday, and between the time of midday aud midnight,
shall be branded, pumped on, and expelled. N.B. A mitigation of this
sentence, by way of fine, may be, that the offender shall be brandied-
and-watered, and made to pay for it all round.

10th. That all such useless and noisy persons, as tinkers, blacksmiths,
sawyers, knife-grinders, or wheelwrights, and such like, shall not ply
their trade within five miles of the town.

11th. That fly-men shall only speak in whispers.

12th. That any newspaper-boy appearing in the town shall be forth-
with hung.

These are some of the few rules which I would bring before the
notice of the New Quiet Watering-Place Establishment Company
(Limited), of which it will give me much pleasure to be the promoter.

HOW, WHEN, AND WHERE?

OR, THE MODERN TOURIST S GUIDE TO THE CONTINENT.

he Tourist will now leave
Antwerp with a view (which
can be purchased at any
stationer’s shop) of going
up the Rhine. He probably
will have determined upon
walking up several moun-
tains, and so, by way of
practice, he should have be-
gun by running up a con-
siderable bill at his Hotel.

Now if you are a mere
machine in the hands of
Murray, your attention
will be attracted by the
name of the next place,
Turnhout; but if you’ll take
our ait vice, you will not
turn hout of your way to go
there. There is merely a
monastery to be seen, where
dwell the Monks of La
Trappe. The chief of the
order resides in Paris, and
is called Pere la Chaise. As
may be gathered from these
titles, their occupation is to
let out flys, broughams and
saddle-horses.

Cologne is to be our next point ? Yes ? very good. Then Cologne
be it. For Germany ! Away ! away ! Music, and scene changes to
Germany.—This country is bounded on every side by a lot of places,
but t hat it has any connection with the German ocean is a mere German
notion that must be at once dispelled. The male population are called
Germans, the female, of course, Gerwomans; the rest of the fam by
Ger-boys, Ger-girls, Ger-babbies, and so on.

The natives call their country Fatherland, and it therefore follows
that the Mother-tongue is never spoken. The enterprising Tourist
having to reach many farther lands than Ger-many Fatherland, must
not be stopped too long by etymological considerations.

The money of the country is simply divided into good and bad. To
the former description, however, belongs the current coin.

As a General Pule for Economical Travellers the ordinary English Six-
pence will go a very long way if, for instance, you carry it with you

from London to Constantinople, or any other distant spot. The
Prussian dollar was, some time ago, of so little value as to be merely
nix in the market. Hence the proverb, musically expressed by that
ri-tooral Tourist, Mr. Paul Bedford, in the words, “Nix my dollar /”
All Germans have long or short light-hair, to which natural ornament
you will often hear them make allusion by saying, “ Yah, mine hair.”
Their habits are simple, being coat, waistcoat and continuations, as
worn in England.

Their language possesses only one word of any importance, and that
is “ zo,” which monosyllable, according to the tonic inflexion given
to it, means everything and anything you like.

n 'Mi iiiim

Passports.—The traveller in Germany must have a passport, that is,
an Order to see the place. No orders are admitted after seven. Evening
dress is not now rigidly insisted upon, unless you ’re going to stop the
night in a city or village; when, of course, you would adopt it for your own
comfort. If you are a member of Oxford or Cambridge, it is considered