DOI issue:
September 26, 1863
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16872#0138
September 26, 1863,]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
127
I have consumed sixteen drams and thirty-two ekes in trying to under-
stand it, and I can’t. I believe the safest way is to leave the letter on
the table in the hall, and trust to fortune. A safer way may be not
writing at all.
“ Yours sceptically,
“ St. Rollox Chimney, Glasgow.” “ Epicurus Rotundus.”
THE TIME OP DAY AT THE THAMES POLICE COURT.
' The advantages of early rising for the administration of justice are
signally instanced and explained in the subjoined extracts from a report
relative to the Thames Police Court:—
“ As it should Be.—The Magistrates of this court have commenced business at
fifteen or thirty minutes past ten o’clock since the 5th instant, to the great con-
venience of the public. The change has effected immense good. The Magistrates
have been enabled to leave the court every afternoon at five o’clock, and good order
and quiet has prevailed. The people attending upon the night charges and. remands
are away before the persons attending on summonses arrive. There has been no quar-
relling or disorder in the avenues leading to the court, and there is no prospect while
the present system continues of people being detained until seven and eight o'clock
in the evening, or of leaving the court wearied, exhausted, and disappointed.’’
It may with truth and justice be averred that—
“ Early to bench and early to rise
Marks a Beak popular, pleasant, and wise.”
The parties, however, who are interested in the dispatch of business
at the Thames Police Court, find that 10.15, or 10.30, though vastly
preferable to 11, is not quite sufficiently early to completely suit their
convenience; and they say that
“ If the Magistrates will follow up their good intentions and commence business
at ten o’clock precisely every morning (the hour at which the judges commence
business in Westminster Hall), they will confer another boon on the inhabitants of
the district. Two additional clerks are much required. Two clerks were appointed
to the Thames Police Court when it was first established 60 years ago. The business
has since increased tenfold, and no additional clerks have been appointed. Two
clerks are not sufficient for the business of the Court, and were it not for the assis-
tance of the ushers and summoning officers, matters would be brought to a
standstill. ”
It does not seem unreasonable to ask his Worship, the Magistrate,
to turn out at the same hour in the morning with my Lord Judge.
The rogues are all up and doing betimes, and justice ought to be even
with them. The moralist in the Grammar declares that the way to
good manners is never too late; but it appears that a Magistrate may
be a little too late and nevertheless on his way to amendment. Eor
we are further apprised that on Tuesday last week:—
“ Mb. Woolbych arrived at the Court this morning at a few minutes after ten>
heard the applications immediately, and commenced the hearing of the night
charges at half-past ten.”
A few minutes past ten is only a few minutes too late. It is an
approximation to ten sharp; which is the desiderated hour. The
Thames Police Court reporter seems happy to report that the Magis-
trates in their attendance there, are tending to that hour, which, when
they have adopted it precisely to a minute, will be just the time of day.
PSEUDO-I1ISTORICO PATENT WHITEWASHING AND
SPONGING COMPANY (LIMITED).
This Company has been established under distinguished auspices,
and in accordance with the enlightened ideas of the age, for the restora-
tion of tarnished historical reputations, by the reversal of contemporary
judgments. It differs from all other renovating establishments in this
important and unique feature, that whereas the latter profess only, at
the very utmost, to restore the fabric upon which they operate “ equal
to new,” the present Company undertakes to reproduce it in more than
pristine freshness, imparting to even the most blackened character
qualities and beauties which never belonged to the original, and so
effectually disguising the latter that even his nearest friends would fail
to recognise him. Recent scientific discoveries have enabled the Com-
pany to adopt a mode of operation similar to that employed in the pro-
duction of dissolving views, and under the skilful management of the
experienced operator, the boldest outlines of character are seen to
disappear in a manner as astonishing as it is beautiful to behold, being
replaced by the most exquisite touches at the will of the artiste, or
by patterns made to order. The most inveterate blemishes effectually
removed, and crimes of the deepest dye mellowed into harmonious
combinations, and warranted to wash.
The Company anticipates important results from the present advanced
and advancing state of spiritual science, arrangements having been
made for a systematic supply of intelligence direct from the most
approved mediums. Several highly interesting communications have,
in fact, already been obtained from spirits of the highest, celebrity, who
have shown themselves perfectly at, home in the business.
It is intended to open a branch establishment for the purpose of
extending the operations of the Company to the acts and designs of
living potentates and statesmen. As, from the peculiar aspects of the
political horizon at the present time, the Company is led to anticipate a
large accession of business in this department, early application is
desirable. His Majesty the King of Prussia has been graciously
pleased to identify himself with this movement, further information
concerning which may be obtained of Mr. Craft, the Company’s
travelling agent, to whom (for the present) communications may be
addressed.
N.B. No relation to Mr. Cal Craft.
The Congress at Frankfort at the Present Time.
ADVERTISING PROBLEMS.
Two interesting advertisements appeared the other day in the Glasgow
Herald. The following one of them, however, is evidently not
Scotch:—
a NEWSPAPER, to represent the Catholic public in
Glasgow. It must neither be sensational, vulgar, nor anti-Catholic. A great
local want will be supplied by such a journal.
WANTED,
» * Glasgow.
Do we not know the fine Roman hand? By Roman we do not mean
Papist, but Irish, to use a mode of speech which is itself Hibernian.
The party advertising as above for a Newspaper to. represent the
Catholic public in Glasgow cannot be that Catholic public itself, unless
it consists wholly or mainly of Irish immigrants. No other set of
people would describe the characteristics which they wish to distinguish
their required journal as consisting in three negations. The state-
ment that “ a great local want will be supplied by suck a journal,”
as one for which the little public that wants it, is obliged to advertise,
also savours of the generous uncalculating child of Erin.. No Scotchman
could conceive such a speculation, much less dream of the possibility
that anybody would venture on it.
The other advertisement is more Scottish, but rather calculated to
foster superstition
WANTED, a Second-Hand COFFIN.—Address, stating lowest price,
A. 72, Herald Office.
The author of this notification must be, if not a maniac, a vampire.
A second-hand coffin could not be inquired for by anybody but a body
leading a sort of life in death. No regular ghost would ever ask for
such a thing. It may be conceived that a vampire might; his old coffin
having fallen to pieces, and he being unable to afford a brand-new one.
More probably the advertiser is a fool; most likely a Scotchman gone
mad on economy. As to the second-hand coffin which he wants, where
is the undertaker who will undertake to furnish one ?
Diplomatic Advice to Russia about Poland—Rear, forbear!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
127
I have consumed sixteen drams and thirty-two ekes in trying to under-
stand it, and I can’t. I believe the safest way is to leave the letter on
the table in the hall, and trust to fortune. A safer way may be not
writing at all.
“ Yours sceptically,
“ St. Rollox Chimney, Glasgow.” “ Epicurus Rotundus.”
THE TIME OP DAY AT THE THAMES POLICE COURT.
' The advantages of early rising for the administration of justice are
signally instanced and explained in the subjoined extracts from a report
relative to the Thames Police Court:—
“ As it should Be.—The Magistrates of this court have commenced business at
fifteen or thirty minutes past ten o’clock since the 5th instant, to the great con-
venience of the public. The change has effected immense good. The Magistrates
have been enabled to leave the court every afternoon at five o’clock, and good order
and quiet has prevailed. The people attending upon the night charges and. remands
are away before the persons attending on summonses arrive. There has been no quar-
relling or disorder in the avenues leading to the court, and there is no prospect while
the present system continues of people being detained until seven and eight o'clock
in the evening, or of leaving the court wearied, exhausted, and disappointed.’’
It may with truth and justice be averred that—
“ Early to bench and early to rise
Marks a Beak popular, pleasant, and wise.”
The parties, however, who are interested in the dispatch of business
at the Thames Police Court, find that 10.15, or 10.30, though vastly
preferable to 11, is not quite sufficiently early to completely suit their
convenience; and they say that
“ If the Magistrates will follow up their good intentions and commence business
at ten o’clock precisely every morning (the hour at which the judges commence
business in Westminster Hall), they will confer another boon on the inhabitants of
the district. Two additional clerks are much required. Two clerks were appointed
to the Thames Police Court when it was first established 60 years ago. The business
has since increased tenfold, and no additional clerks have been appointed. Two
clerks are not sufficient for the business of the Court, and were it not for the assis-
tance of the ushers and summoning officers, matters would be brought to a
standstill. ”
It does not seem unreasonable to ask his Worship, the Magistrate,
to turn out at the same hour in the morning with my Lord Judge.
The rogues are all up and doing betimes, and justice ought to be even
with them. The moralist in the Grammar declares that the way to
good manners is never too late; but it appears that a Magistrate may
be a little too late and nevertheless on his way to amendment. Eor
we are further apprised that on Tuesday last week:—
“ Mb. Woolbych arrived at the Court this morning at a few minutes after ten>
heard the applications immediately, and commenced the hearing of the night
charges at half-past ten.”
A few minutes past ten is only a few minutes too late. It is an
approximation to ten sharp; which is the desiderated hour. The
Thames Police Court reporter seems happy to report that the Magis-
trates in their attendance there, are tending to that hour, which, when
they have adopted it precisely to a minute, will be just the time of day.
PSEUDO-I1ISTORICO PATENT WHITEWASHING AND
SPONGING COMPANY (LIMITED).
This Company has been established under distinguished auspices,
and in accordance with the enlightened ideas of the age, for the restora-
tion of tarnished historical reputations, by the reversal of contemporary
judgments. It differs from all other renovating establishments in this
important and unique feature, that whereas the latter profess only, at
the very utmost, to restore the fabric upon which they operate “ equal
to new,” the present Company undertakes to reproduce it in more than
pristine freshness, imparting to even the most blackened character
qualities and beauties which never belonged to the original, and so
effectually disguising the latter that even his nearest friends would fail
to recognise him. Recent scientific discoveries have enabled the Com-
pany to adopt a mode of operation similar to that employed in the pro-
duction of dissolving views, and under the skilful management of the
experienced operator, the boldest outlines of character are seen to
disappear in a manner as astonishing as it is beautiful to behold, being
replaced by the most exquisite touches at the will of the artiste, or
by patterns made to order. The most inveterate blemishes effectually
removed, and crimes of the deepest dye mellowed into harmonious
combinations, and warranted to wash.
The Company anticipates important results from the present advanced
and advancing state of spiritual science, arrangements having been
made for a systematic supply of intelligence direct from the most
approved mediums. Several highly interesting communications have,
in fact, already been obtained from spirits of the highest, celebrity, who
have shown themselves perfectly at, home in the business.
It is intended to open a branch establishment for the purpose of
extending the operations of the Company to the acts and designs of
living potentates and statesmen. As, from the peculiar aspects of the
political horizon at the present time, the Company is led to anticipate a
large accession of business in this department, early application is
desirable. His Majesty the King of Prussia has been graciously
pleased to identify himself with this movement, further information
concerning which may be obtained of Mr. Craft, the Company’s
travelling agent, to whom (for the present) communications may be
addressed.
N.B. No relation to Mr. Cal Craft.
The Congress at Frankfort at the Present Time.
ADVERTISING PROBLEMS.
Two interesting advertisements appeared the other day in the Glasgow
Herald. The following one of them, however, is evidently not
Scotch:—
a NEWSPAPER, to represent the Catholic public in
Glasgow. It must neither be sensational, vulgar, nor anti-Catholic. A great
local want will be supplied by such a journal.
WANTED,
» * Glasgow.
Do we not know the fine Roman hand? By Roman we do not mean
Papist, but Irish, to use a mode of speech which is itself Hibernian.
The party advertising as above for a Newspaper to. represent the
Catholic public in Glasgow cannot be that Catholic public itself, unless
it consists wholly or mainly of Irish immigrants. No other set of
people would describe the characteristics which they wish to distinguish
their required journal as consisting in three negations. The state-
ment that “ a great local want will be supplied by suck a journal,”
as one for which the little public that wants it, is obliged to advertise,
also savours of the generous uncalculating child of Erin.. No Scotchman
could conceive such a speculation, much less dream of the possibility
that anybody would venture on it.
The other advertisement is more Scottish, but rather calculated to
foster superstition
WANTED, a Second-Hand COFFIN.—Address, stating lowest price,
A. 72, Herald Office.
The author of this notification must be, if not a maniac, a vampire.
A second-hand coffin could not be inquired for by anybody but a body
leading a sort of life in death. No regular ghost would ever ask for
such a thing. It may be conceived that a vampire might; his old coffin
having fallen to pieces, and he being unable to afford a brand-new one.
More probably the advertiser is a fool; most likely a Scotchman gone
mad on economy. As to the second-hand coffin which he wants, where
is the undertaker who will undertake to furnish one ?
Diplomatic Advice to Russia about Poland—Rear, forbear!