Punch (49.1865)

September 23, 1865.1 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION.

ave you seen all the Re-
ports of this year’s Con-
gress? Yes. Then you’ve
still got to see mine. It
is special, and for you.
All others are incomplete,
and as the advertisements
of patent mustards have
it, none are genuine unless
signed thusProfessor Fluff, i. e. my-
self. The reports, above mentioned, com-
posed under the influence of prejudiced and
envious persons, whose names I have entered,
as Maximilian, the Emperor of Germany,
used to, in my private “ book of insults,” do
not contain any of my papers, nor do they
give what certainly appeared to me to be the
most interesting portions of the scientific proceedings. I send in my
little account to you which shall supply the deficiencies. First, I will
give you the names of my own papers, which I carried in separate parts
of my luggage; I could not be sufficiently unfortunate to lose them all.

Physiology. The art of Making Faces. {In my Pag, also false nose and
whiskers.)

Geology. Illustrated by a performance on the Bones. {Great coat
pocket; handy for practising in the Railway Carriage.)

Architecture. Use of the Air-pump in erecting castellated edifices.
{Portmanteau?)

Geography. The question, “ Where are you going on Sunday ? ” satis-
factorily answered. This included practical demonstrations in
Street Gymnastics, or the Use of the Globes and Poles. {In
large globe cases marked “ with care.”)

Mathematics. A few words on Squaring a Beadle who was arguing
in a vicious circle. Illustrated pugilistically. {A portmanteau to
itself,, including gloves and change of linen?)

Physics. Thoughts on Negro Conscription and the Black Draughts :
with remarks on Shaking before Taking. {Pressing-casefitted with
burnt corks for blacking my face; and medicine?)

economic Science. How many Donkeys go to a Village Pound ? Also
the process of making a Shilling go as far as Half-a-Crown.

Illustrated by experimental conjuring. {A box of tricks packed
up in a large 'clothes-basket for doing the Stodare trick. Swords
separate.)

I arrived in Birmingham safely with all my scientific paraphernalia.
Some idiotic friend who doesn’t understand these things asked me if I
was going to the Donkey Show? His joke meant, he explained, the
British As-sociation; a low, coarse fellow, whom I only quote to show
you the persecution that Science is exposed to even in these days. I
was dressed in a scarlet gown, college cap, and carried side-arms, and a
fishing-rod for Sundays.

After some difficulty I found one of the Association Booms. Here
is my report condensed.

Coals.

Mr. Beete Jukes, F.R.S., at least I think it was Mr. Jukes, said
that he had got something to say on coals. He proceeded to make a
statement.

Professor Tyndall offered to haul Mr. Jukes over the coals for
that remark. (I didn’t catch it, though Jukes did.)

The discussion was at its height when it suddenly occurred to me
that I could sing “ Old King Cole.” 1 rose. Shortly afterwards I 'fired
my pistols, loaded with grapes, in the air, and pretended to vanish.
Finding another door open, I looked in and said “ Bo 1 ” They couldn’t
find out who did it, so I then went to the school of

Geology.

Sir Roderick Murchison was saying something about bones.

A Gentleman expressed his opinion that grilled and devilled they
were excellent for supper. I voted for him.

Professor Phillips said that as a beverage Beaune was not to be
despised.

Sir Roderick, without noticing these interruptions, proceeded.
When he had finished, the President asked if there was any just cause
or impediment, &c., &c.

I had, lots; but, unfortunately, when I stood up I found that I’d
brought my paper on Architecture. I said I’d be back in a jiffey. When
I returned from the hotel the room was empty.

Excursions.

The next day there were excursions, alarums, drums, trumpets, vide
Shakspeare, passim, and 1 spent the morning in the station-