Punch (49.1865)

November 4, 1865.]

PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

173

THE SCHOOL FOR SMILES

inancier Gladstone is to lead the House of
Commons. An abler leader it might not be easy
to find. But it seems that the right honour-
able gentleman labours under the disadvantage
of being what Mercutio said that he should be
the day after the duel. The Member for South
Lancashire is a Grave Man. It, appears to be thought that he is not lively enough to conduct
the business of Parliament. He is called Saturnine.

Certainly a cheerful disposition is to be encouraged. But whether a person is likely to be-
come particularly cheerful by being abused for gravity is a question. Mr. Squeers flogged
a boy for not looking happy, but Mr. Squeers was not a teacher whose success greatly
recommends his system. We really think that no great good will be done by incessantly
writing at Mr. Gladstone, calling him Sobersides, Dismal William, and Deter Grievous. That
is not the way to make him smile as he is wanted to smile.

Bully aware of the importance of having a Merry Minister, and duly persuaded of the
wisdom of chaffing the Opposition instead of convincing the public, Mr. Punch is inclined to
propose to take Mr. Gladstone in hand, and qualify him for the Leadership of the House.
And he hereby invites the Chancellor of the Exchequer to place himself with Mr. Punch
as a pupil. He shall be treated as one of the family, he shall be allowed the reasonable
use of Latin and Greek, and on half-holidays he shall, if he likes, do sums. But if he comes,
he must devote himself diligentiv to the Art of Seeing Eun in Everything.

Why Mr. Gladstone should be Saturnine, and how he misses seeing fun in most things
which occur in the House of Commons, Mr. Punch is unable to comprehend. Is it not fun
to hear Mb. Disraeli take the Church under his angel wing ? Is it not fun to hear Sir
Fitzroy Kelly in an agony over the wrongs of some Oriental heathen whose name he never
heard until he got his brief? Is it not fun to hear Sir Charles Wood alternately tumbling
out and tumbling over the figures of Indian taxation ? Is it not fun to hear Mr. Henley
imitate the style of Socrates in everything but its wisdom? Is it not fun to hear Mr.
Whalley move for a committee to inquire whether our ship timber has been cleared of

Jesuit’s Bark? In fact, we do not know how
Mr. Gladstone can keep his countenance for
ten minutes together, knowing, as he does,
how much high comedy there is in all the Par-
liamentary “ situations.”

But, since he insists on finding sermons in
stones when he should be merely shying the
stones at other people, let him come to us,
and we will cure him of the only disqualifica-
tion which his enemies seem able to assign.
We will teach him Levity. In six months
his best enemies shall not know him. Instead
of answering a question logically and exhaus-
tively, he shall ask the inquirer whether he
will have the reply now or wait till he gets it.
When he “introduces” a Bill he shall say,
“Mr. Bill, Mr. Speaker; Mr. Speaker, Mr.
Bill.” When he presents a petition he shall
wink at the House. When he alludes to
Colonel North he shall call him the gallant
and disagreeable officer, and Mr. Horsman he
shall call the learned and antibilious Member.
When he seconds a motion he shall say, “Ditto
here.” When he fixes a debate on the cattle
disease he shall appoint it for Wednesday next,
please the pigs. When he is asked his in-
tention about Reform, he shall state that it is
certainly his intention to reform his tailor’s bill.
When he moves the House into Committee, he
shall tell the Speaker that a glass of claret and
a weed seem the thing for his complaint just
then. When he moves a vote of condolence,
he shall talk of the tear that is wiped with a little
Address. When he speaks on a police-bill he
shall begin, From information which I received,
and when he takes the Commons to a confer-
ence with the Lords he shall say, “ Here we
all are—pray keep your hats on.”

Mr. Gladstone will then be qualified to
lead the House of Commons, and it is delight-
ful to think that nothing more is required to
complete this distinguished statesman’s reputa-
tion than the faculty of being able to laugh
over what most people think serious business.
Would it not be a good thing to institute an
Order of the Horse Collar—head-quarters at
Grinnage ?_

EDITING EDITORS.

The Naples editors are so awfully full of
Honour that they have been quarrelling and
running one another through three times a week.
So, by way of self-preservation, they have insti-
tuted a “ Jury of Honour,” and journalistic
squabbles are now adjusted before this tribunal.
If one “We’’have intimated our belief that
our contemporary is an idiot and a traitor, and
the other “We” have rejoined that our assail-
ant is an ass and a scoundrel, the Jury of
Honour balances the epithets, and decides that
neither “ We ” has a right to call out his an-
tagonist. The American press have gone a
straighter way to work, and everybody calls
everybody everything, and nobody fights, be-
cause everybody knows that it is all true.

WIT FROM THE BENCH.

This week Punch has the pleasure of awarding
the Prize to

MR. SELFE.

Dismissing a donkey, “ the head of a trading
firm,” who had not been paid by one George
Stanley, a betting advertiser, Mr. Selfe said
that—

“It was hopeless to apply to a criminal court for
redress for such an offence. There was a horse named
Catch- em-Alive in the race, as he saw, and he had better
‘ catch ’ his man ‘ alive ’ if he could. ”

A Famous Opportunity for the Red Hot
Poker in Next Tear’s Pantomime. — The
Clown making the Pope a Freemason.