DOI Heft:
October 21, 1865
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16876#0165
October 21, 1865.] PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
153
CARBINE PRACTICE.
Sandy McGuttle and a Fribnd op his Marking in Bdtt. Officer in
CHARGE OF SQUAD AT THE SHOOTING-RANGE WuNDERS WHY THE DEUCE THEY
don’t Signal that last Shot. He has also grave Doobts about the number
| of Bulls’-Eves already Recorded.
THE RETURN.
FROM MY BERTH.
The big Channel steamer is rolling exceedingly,
Frenchmen around me are bilious and fat,
And prone on the floor are behaving unheedingly,
It’s a “sick transit,” but never mind that!
There’s pleasure in feeling so coldly and clammily,
Joy in the needles and pins in my leg ;
Pleasure in watching that foreigner’s family
Eating stick chocolate mixed with hard egg.
There’s joy in the berthing that’s managed so scurvily,
Pleasure in each individual lurch ;
Joy in the pitching about topsy-turvily,
Fun in the custom-house officers’ search!
For I’m tired of long table-d’hote-ing formalities,
Sick of my costly devotion to “ red; ”
I’m weary of fathoming gambling fatalities,
Long for a night in a big British bed!
For whenever I visit the bad Baden rookery.
Dreams that I dream have a single key-note;
That I’m fastened, in fetters of cast-iron cookery
Down to a complex roulette-table-d’hote!
I grieve for my tub and its naked simplicity,
(Grief that they ask me to drown in a “ bowl ” !)
And this is ascribed to inborn eccentricity—
“ Tiens done ces Anglais ! mais cornrne ils sont droles /”
Tired am I of the sea-bathing merman-y.
Tired am I of the sabot and blouse,
Tired am I of the natives of Germany,
Tired am I of the noisy Mossoos !
After for weeks of my presence bereaving you,
London, to rush to your bosom I yearn.
You remember the jokes that I uttered on leaving you ?
Twice as delighted, my boy, to return.
An Omission.
In the usual October introductory addresses to Medical
Students no mention was made of the circumstance that
when doctors, like all other men, und ergo midnight harangues
from their wives, they are not called Curtain, but Clinical,
Lectures.
SOCIAL SCIENCE CONGRESS.
At the Sheffield Meeting the following Papers were omitted to be
j read, owing to want of time, loss of manuscript, illegibility of hand-
j writing, nervousness, pleasant excursions, approach of dinner, and
I other causes.
Law.
On “ The Reformatory Systemas applied to hardened Conservatives.”
On “Juries’ prudence, as exemplified in some wonderful verdicts.”
On “ The Law of Storms.” By a Married Sexagenarian.
Education.
On “Political Arithmetic, proving the common calculation that two
and two make four to be a vulgar error.” By an Ex-Chancellor of the
I Exchequer.
Health.
What is the explanation of this contradiction? Young ladies who
j can galop and waltz through a long ball are unable to take a country
| walk of two miles.”
On “ The ‘ Grinderpest;’ or, Street organist.”
On “ The Restlessness of Government Clerks at 3'30 p.m.”
“ What will Miss Garrett be called in common speech ? A Medical
* woman ’ ? ”
On “ The Injurious Effects of Cold Meat three days running.”
“ To Smoke or not to Smoke; with thoughts on the pipe, the cigar,
and the judicious Hookah.”
Economy and Trade.
On “ The Decrease in Crinoline as affecting the Sheffield trade.”
“ Where the family is large and the means small, how would you
| settle the following points of domestic economy ?
1. Would you have your dresses made in the house, or from home?
2. Would you have the bread and butter cut in the kitchen, or the
loaf brought ud ?
3. Would you have the beer on tap, or fetched from round the
corner as required?
4. Would you have the washing done at home, or put out ? If put
out, which is the cheapest arrangement, by the dozen or the
quarter ? ”
On “ The Degeneracy of Domestic Servants as regards early rising,
with a glance at the best means of awakening them to a sense ofduty-
and to light the kitchen fire.”
On “ The Decline of some old Usages:—
1. Looking under the bed at night.
2. Taking wine at dinner.
3. Going down on your knees to make an offer.
4. Wearing night-caps.
5. Wearing Mackintoshes.
6. Taking snuff.
7. Having your bed warmed.”
On “ The Predominance of Steak in Pigeon Pie, with reflections on
the curious idiosyncrasy that prompts so many idiots to say they prefer
the steak to the pigeon.”
On “ The Tailor’s Best Friend—the Anti-Macassar.”
On “ Some Popular Fallacies:—
1. That second-class railway travelling is as comfortable as first.
2. That electro-plate looks as good as silver.
3. That cheap gloves answer. (What do they say ?)
4. What, a * turned’ dress looks as good as new.
5. That you can hardly tell the difference between an alpaca and a
silk umbrella.”
Criticism as Understood, by all but Critics.
True criticism, when it praises, is only a correct appreciation of the
meaning of the author; but the moment it begins to find fault, it
degenerates from its high functions, and sinks into vulgar abuse.
153
CARBINE PRACTICE.
Sandy McGuttle and a Fribnd op his Marking in Bdtt. Officer in
CHARGE OF SQUAD AT THE SHOOTING-RANGE WuNDERS WHY THE DEUCE THEY
don’t Signal that last Shot. He has also grave Doobts about the number
| of Bulls’-Eves already Recorded.
THE RETURN.
FROM MY BERTH.
The big Channel steamer is rolling exceedingly,
Frenchmen around me are bilious and fat,
And prone on the floor are behaving unheedingly,
It’s a “sick transit,” but never mind that!
There’s pleasure in feeling so coldly and clammily,
Joy in the needles and pins in my leg ;
Pleasure in watching that foreigner’s family
Eating stick chocolate mixed with hard egg.
There’s joy in the berthing that’s managed so scurvily,
Pleasure in each individual lurch ;
Joy in the pitching about topsy-turvily,
Fun in the custom-house officers’ search!
For I’m tired of long table-d’hote-ing formalities,
Sick of my costly devotion to “ red; ”
I’m weary of fathoming gambling fatalities,
Long for a night in a big British bed!
For whenever I visit the bad Baden rookery.
Dreams that I dream have a single key-note;
That I’m fastened, in fetters of cast-iron cookery
Down to a complex roulette-table-d’hote!
I grieve for my tub and its naked simplicity,
(Grief that they ask me to drown in a “ bowl ” !)
And this is ascribed to inborn eccentricity—
“ Tiens done ces Anglais ! mais cornrne ils sont droles /”
Tired am I of the sea-bathing merman-y.
Tired am I of the sabot and blouse,
Tired am I of the natives of Germany,
Tired am I of the noisy Mossoos !
After for weeks of my presence bereaving you,
London, to rush to your bosom I yearn.
You remember the jokes that I uttered on leaving you ?
Twice as delighted, my boy, to return.
An Omission.
In the usual October introductory addresses to Medical
Students no mention was made of the circumstance that
when doctors, like all other men, und ergo midnight harangues
from their wives, they are not called Curtain, but Clinical,
Lectures.
SOCIAL SCIENCE CONGRESS.
At the Sheffield Meeting the following Papers were omitted to be
j read, owing to want of time, loss of manuscript, illegibility of hand-
j writing, nervousness, pleasant excursions, approach of dinner, and
I other causes.
Law.
On “ The Reformatory Systemas applied to hardened Conservatives.”
On “Juries’ prudence, as exemplified in some wonderful verdicts.”
On “ The Law of Storms.” By a Married Sexagenarian.
Education.
On “Political Arithmetic, proving the common calculation that two
and two make four to be a vulgar error.” By an Ex-Chancellor of the
I Exchequer.
Health.
What is the explanation of this contradiction? Young ladies who
j can galop and waltz through a long ball are unable to take a country
| walk of two miles.”
On “ The ‘ Grinderpest;’ or, Street organist.”
On “ The Restlessness of Government Clerks at 3'30 p.m.”
“ What will Miss Garrett be called in common speech ? A Medical
* woman ’ ? ”
On “ The Injurious Effects of Cold Meat three days running.”
“ To Smoke or not to Smoke; with thoughts on the pipe, the cigar,
and the judicious Hookah.”
Economy and Trade.
On “ The Decrease in Crinoline as affecting the Sheffield trade.”
“ Where the family is large and the means small, how would you
| settle the following points of domestic economy ?
1. Would you have your dresses made in the house, or from home?
2. Would you have the bread and butter cut in the kitchen, or the
loaf brought ud ?
3. Would you have the beer on tap, or fetched from round the
corner as required?
4. Would you have the washing done at home, or put out ? If put
out, which is the cheapest arrangement, by the dozen or the
quarter ? ”
On “ The Degeneracy of Domestic Servants as regards early rising,
with a glance at the best means of awakening them to a sense ofduty-
and to light the kitchen fire.”
On “ The Decline of some old Usages:—
1. Looking under the bed at night.
2. Taking wine at dinner.
3. Going down on your knees to make an offer.
4. Wearing night-caps.
5. Wearing Mackintoshes.
6. Taking snuff.
7. Having your bed warmed.”
On “ The Predominance of Steak in Pigeon Pie, with reflections on
the curious idiosyncrasy that prompts so many idiots to say they prefer
the steak to the pigeon.”
On “ The Tailor’s Best Friend—the Anti-Macassar.”
On “ Some Popular Fallacies:—
1. That second-class railway travelling is as comfortable as first.
2. That electro-plate looks as good as silver.
3. That cheap gloves answer. (What do they say ?)
4. What, a * turned’ dress looks as good as new.
5. That you can hardly tell the difference between an alpaca and a
silk umbrella.”
Criticism as Understood, by all but Critics.
True criticism, when it praises, is only a correct appreciation of the
meaning of the author; but the moment it begins to find fault, it
degenerates from its high functions, and sinks into vulgar abuse.