DOI issue:
September 8, 1866
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16878#0109
September 8, 1866.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON.
You ’ll be glad to learn that I ’ve made a good impression onto the
mind of the lan’lord of the Greenlion tavern. He made a speech about
me last night. Risin’ in the bar he spoke as toilers, there bein over
20 individooals present: “This North American has been a inmate of
my ’ouse over two weeks, yit he hasn’t made no attempt to scalp any
member of my fam’ly. He hasn’t broke no cups or sassers, or
furnitur of any kind. {Hear, hear.) I find I can trust him with lited
candles. He eats his wittles with a knive and a fork. Peple of this
kind should be encurridged. I purpose ’is ’elth ! ” {Loud ’plans.)
What could I do but modestly get up and express a fervint hope
that the Atlantic Cable would bind the two countries still more clostly
together ? The lan’lord said my speech was full of orig’nality, but bis
idee was the old stage coach was more safer, and he tho’t peple would
indors that opinyin in doo time.
I’m gettin’ on exceedin’ well in London. I see now, however, that
I made a mistake in orderin’ my close afore I left home. The trooth
is the taler in our little villige owed me for a pig and I didn’t see any
other way of gettin’ my pay. Ten years ago these close would no
doubt have been fash’n’ble, and perhaps they would be ekally sim’lar
ten years hens. But now they’re diff’rently. The taler said he know’d
they was all right, because he had a brother in Wales who kept him
informed about London fashins reg’lar. This was a infamus falshood.
But as the ballud says (which I heard a gen’l’man in a new soot of
black close and white kid gloves sing t’other night), Never don’t let
us Despise a Man because he wears a Baggid Coat! I don’t know as
we do, by the way, tho’ we gen’rally get out of his way pretty rapid ;
prob’ly on account of the pity which tears onr boosums for his onhappy
condition.
This last remark is a sirkastic and wither’in thrust at them blotid
peple who live in gildid saloons. I tho’t I’d explain my meanin’ to
you. I frekently have to explain the meanin’ of my remarks. I know
one man—and he’s a man of varid ’complishments—who often reads
my articles over 20 times afore he can make anything of ’em at all.
Onr skoolmaster to home says this is a pecoolerarity of geneyus. My
wife says it is a pecoolerarity of infernal nonsens. She’s a exceedin
practycal woman. I luv her muchly, however, and humer her little
ways. It’s a recklis falshood that she henpecks me, and the young
man in our naberhood who said to me one evenin’, as I was mistenin’
my diafram with a gentle cocktail at the villige tavun—who said to
me in these very langwidge. “ Go home, old man, onless you desires to
have another teapot throwd at you by B. J., ” probly regrets havin
said so. I said, “Betsy Jane is my wife’s front name, gentle yooth,
and I permits no person to alood to her as B. J. outside of the family
circle, of which I am it principally myself. Your other observations
I scorn and disgust, and I must pollish you off.” He was a able-bodied
young man, and, remoovin his coat, he inquired if I wanted to be
ground to powder ? I said, Yes : if there was a Powder-grindist handy,
nothin would ’ford me greater pleasure, when he struck me a painful
blow into my right eye, causin’ me to make a rapid retreat into the
fire-place. I hadn’t no idee that the enemy was so well organised.
But I rallied and went for him, in a rayther vigris stile for my time
of life. His parunts lived near by, and 1 will simply state 15 minits had
only elapst after the first act, when he was carria home on a shutter.
His mama met the solium procession at the door, and after keerfully
looking her orfspring over, she said, “My son, 1 see how it is distinc-
tually. You’ve been foolin’ round a Trashin Masbeen. You went in at
the place where they put the grain in, cum out with the straw, and you
got up into the thingamyjig, and let the hosses tred on you, didn’t you,
my son ? ” The pen of no livin Orthur could describe that disfornit
young man’s sittywation more clearer. But I was sorry for him, and
I went and nussed him till he got well. His reg’lar original father
being absent to the war, I told him I’d be a father to him myself. He
smilt a sickly smile, and said I’d already been wuss than two fathers
to him.
I will here obsarve that fitin orter be alius avided, excep in extreem
cases. My principle is, if a man smites me on the right cheek I’ll
turn my left to him, prob’ly; but if he insinooates that my gran’motber
wasn’t all right, I ’ll punch his hed. But fitin is misole bisniss,
gen’rally speakin, and whenever any enterprisin countryman of mine
cums over here to scoop up a Briton in the prize ring I’m alius ex-
cessively tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad fack
has thus far been the case—my only sorrer bein’ that t’other feller
wasn’t scooped likewise. It’s diff’rently with scullin boats, which is
a manly sport, and I can only explain Mr. Hamil’s resunt defeat in
this country on the grounds that he wasn’t used to British water. I
hope this explanation will be entirely satisfact’ry to all.
As I remarked afore, I’m gettin’ on well. I’m aware that I’m in
the great, metrop’lis of the world, and it doesn’t make me onhappy to
admit the fack. A man is a ass who dispoots it. That’s all that ails
him. I know there is sum peple who cum over here and snap and
snarl ’bout this and that: I know one man who says it is a shame and
a disgraice that St. Paul’s Church isn’t a older edifiss : he says it
should be years and even ages older than it is ; but I decline to hold
myself responsible for the conduck of this idyit simply because he’s
my countryman. I spose every civ’lised land is endowed with its full
share of gibberin’ idyits, and it can’t be helpt—leastways I can’t think
of any effectooal plan of helpin’ it.
I’m a little sorry you’ve got politics over here., but I shall not
diskuss ’em with nobody. Tear me to peaces with wild omnibus
bosses, and I won’t diskuss ’em. I’ve had quite enuff of ’em at home,
thank you. I was at Birmingham t’other night, and went to the great
meetin’ for a few minits. I hadn’t been in the hall long when a stern
lookin’ artisan said to me,
“ You ar from Wales ? ”
No, I told him I didn’t think I was. A hidgyis tho’t flasht over me.
It was of that onprincipled taler, and 1 said, “ Has my clothin’ a
Welchy appearance ? ”
“ Not by no means,” he answered, and then he said, “ And what is
your opinyin of the present crisis ? ”
I said, “ I don’t zackly know. Have you got it very bad ? ”
He replied, “ Sir, it is sweepin’ over England like the Cymoon of the
Desert! ”
“ Wall,” I said, “ let it sweep ! ”
He ceased me by the arm and said, “ Let us glance at hist’ry. It is
now some two thousand years-”
“ Is it, indeed ? ” I replied.
“ Listin! ” he fiercely cried ; “ it is only a little over two thousand
years since-”
“ Oh, bother ! ” I remarkt, “ let us go out and git some beer.”
“ No, Sir. I want no gross and sensual beer. I ’ll not move from
this spot till I can vote. Who ar you ? ”
I handed him my card, which, in addition to my name, contains a
elabrit description of my show. “ Now, Sir,” I proudly said, “ you
know me ? ”
“ I sollumly swear,” he sternly replied, “ that I never heard of you,
or your show, in my life ! ”
“ And this man,” I cried bitterly, “ calls hisself a intelligent man,
and thinks he orter be allowed to vote ! What a holler mockery ! ”
I’ve no objection to ev’ry intelligent man votin’ if he wants to. It’s
a pleasant amoosement, no doubt; but there is those whose igrance is
so dense and loathsum that they shouldn’t be trustid with a ballit any
more ’n one of my trained serpunts should be trusted with a child to
play with.
I went to the station with a view of returnin’ to town on the cars.
“ This way, Sir,” said the guard; “ here you ar,” and he pinted to a
first-class carrige, the sole ockepant of which was a rayther prepos-
sessin’ female of about 30 summers.
“ No, I thank you,” I ernestly replied, “ I prefer to walk.”
I am, dear Sir,
\< ery respectivly yours,
Artemus Ward.
OFF TO THE SEA.
Air—“ Over the Sea."
“ Off to the Sea ! off to the Sea ! ”
Hear what a coaxing wife whispered to me—
“ Oft' to the Sea! off to the Sea !
Dearest, you ’re working too long :
Then, Charles, Charles, Charles,
Let’s all go together,
This warm Autumn weather,
For, Charles, Charles, Charles,
The children are not looking strong.”
So it’s off to the Sea ! off to the Sea !
Hear what a cunning wife whispered to me—
“ Off to the Sea ! off to the Sea!
Somebody’s working too long.”
Off to the Sea! off to the Sea !
Tickets the clerk has just given to me,
Off to the Sea! off to the Sea!
Now then for Ramsgate once more.
There we ’ll bathe, bathe, bathe,
And hear the waves roar
On its populous shore ;
There we ’ll boat, boat, boat,
And saunter in straw-hats along.
So, it’s off to the Sea ! off to the Sea!
Hear what a wily wife whispers to me—
“ Off to the Sea! off to the Sea !
Charlie, you ’re going once more.”
Found.—The individual who was lost in thought has since been
discovered in a brown study.
ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON.
You ’ll be glad to learn that I ’ve made a good impression onto the
mind of the lan’lord of the Greenlion tavern. He made a speech about
me last night. Risin’ in the bar he spoke as toilers, there bein over
20 individooals present: “This North American has been a inmate of
my ’ouse over two weeks, yit he hasn’t made no attempt to scalp any
member of my fam’ly. He hasn’t broke no cups or sassers, or
furnitur of any kind. {Hear, hear.) I find I can trust him with lited
candles. He eats his wittles with a knive and a fork. Peple of this
kind should be encurridged. I purpose ’is ’elth ! ” {Loud ’plans.)
What could I do but modestly get up and express a fervint hope
that the Atlantic Cable would bind the two countries still more clostly
together ? The lan’lord said my speech was full of orig’nality, but bis
idee was the old stage coach was more safer, and he tho’t peple would
indors that opinyin in doo time.
I’m gettin’ on exceedin’ well in London. I see now, however, that
I made a mistake in orderin’ my close afore I left home. The trooth
is the taler in our little villige owed me for a pig and I didn’t see any
other way of gettin’ my pay. Ten years ago these close would no
doubt have been fash’n’ble, and perhaps they would be ekally sim’lar
ten years hens. But now they’re diff’rently. The taler said he know’d
they was all right, because he had a brother in Wales who kept him
informed about London fashins reg’lar. This was a infamus falshood.
But as the ballud says (which I heard a gen’l’man in a new soot of
black close and white kid gloves sing t’other night), Never don’t let
us Despise a Man because he wears a Baggid Coat! I don’t know as
we do, by the way, tho’ we gen’rally get out of his way pretty rapid ;
prob’ly on account of the pity which tears onr boosums for his onhappy
condition.
This last remark is a sirkastic and wither’in thrust at them blotid
peple who live in gildid saloons. I tho’t I’d explain my meanin’ to
you. I frekently have to explain the meanin’ of my remarks. I know
one man—and he’s a man of varid ’complishments—who often reads
my articles over 20 times afore he can make anything of ’em at all.
Onr skoolmaster to home says this is a pecoolerarity of geneyus. My
wife says it is a pecoolerarity of infernal nonsens. She’s a exceedin
practycal woman. I luv her muchly, however, and humer her little
ways. It’s a recklis falshood that she henpecks me, and the young
man in our naberhood who said to me one evenin’, as I was mistenin’
my diafram with a gentle cocktail at the villige tavun—who said to
me in these very langwidge. “ Go home, old man, onless you desires to
have another teapot throwd at you by B. J., ” probly regrets havin
said so. I said, “Betsy Jane is my wife’s front name, gentle yooth,
and I permits no person to alood to her as B. J. outside of the family
circle, of which I am it principally myself. Your other observations
I scorn and disgust, and I must pollish you off.” He was a able-bodied
young man, and, remoovin his coat, he inquired if I wanted to be
ground to powder ? I said, Yes : if there was a Powder-grindist handy,
nothin would ’ford me greater pleasure, when he struck me a painful
blow into my right eye, causin’ me to make a rapid retreat into the
fire-place. I hadn’t no idee that the enemy was so well organised.
But I rallied and went for him, in a rayther vigris stile for my time
of life. His parunts lived near by, and 1 will simply state 15 minits had
only elapst after the first act, when he was carria home on a shutter.
His mama met the solium procession at the door, and after keerfully
looking her orfspring over, she said, “My son, 1 see how it is distinc-
tually. You’ve been foolin’ round a Trashin Masbeen. You went in at
the place where they put the grain in, cum out with the straw, and you
got up into the thingamyjig, and let the hosses tred on you, didn’t you,
my son ? ” The pen of no livin Orthur could describe that disfornit
young man’s sittywation more clearer. But I was sorry for him, and
I went and nussed him till he got well. His reg’lar original father
being absent to the war, I told him I’d be a father to him myself. He
smilt a sickly smile, and said I’d already been wuss than two fathers
to him.
I will here obsarve that fitin orter be alius avided, excep in extreem
cases. My principle is, if a man smites me on the right cheek I’ll
turn my left to him, prob’ly; but if he insinooates that my gran’motber
wasn’t all right, I ’ll punch his hed. But fitin is misole bisniss,
gen’rally speakin, and whenever any enterprisin countryman of mine
cums over here to scoop up a Briton in the prize ring I’m alius ex-
cessively tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad fack
has thus far been the case—my only sorrer bein’ that t’other feller
wasn’t scooped likewise. It’s diff’rently with scullin boats, which is
a manly sport, and I can only explain Mr. Hamil’s resunt defeat in
this country on the grounds that he wasn’t used to British water. I
hope this explanation will be entirely satisfact’ry to all.
As I remarked afore, I’m gettin’ on well. I’m aware that I’m in
the great, metrop’lis of the world, and it doesn’t make me onhappy to
admit the fack. A man is a ass who dispoots it. That’s all that ails
him. I know there is sum peple who cum over here and snap and
snarl ’bout this and that: I know one man who says it is a shame and
a disgraice that St. Paul’s Church isn’t a older edifiss : he says it
should be years and even ages older than it is ; but I decline to hold
myself responsible for the conduck of this idyit simply because he’s
my countryman. I spose every civ’lised land is endowed with its full
share of gibberin’ idyits, and it can’t be helpt—leastways I can’t think
of any effectooal plan of helpin’ it.
I’m a little sorry you’ve got politics over here., but I shall not
diskuss ’em with nobody. Tear me to peaces with wild omnibus
bosses, and I won’t diskuss ’em. I’ve had quite enuff of ’em at home,
thank you. I was at Birmingham t’other night, and went to the great
meetin’ for a few minits. I hadn’t been in the hall long when a stern
lookin’ artisan said to me,
“ You ar from Wales ? ”
No, I told him I didn’t think I was. A hidgyis tho’t flasht over me.
It was of that onprincipled taler, and 1 said, “ Has my clothin’ a
Welchy appearance ? ”
“ Not by no means,” he answered, and then he said, “ And what is
your opinyin of the present crisis ? ”
I said, “ I don’t zackly know. Have you got it very bad ? ”
He replied, “ Sir, it is sweepin’ over England like the Cymoon of the
Desert! ”
“ Wall,” I said, “ let it sweep ! ”
He ceased me by the arm and said, “ Let us glance at hist’ry. It is
now some two thousand years-”
“ Is it, indeed ? ” I replied.
“ Listin! ” he fiercely cried ; “ it is only a little over two thousand
years since-”
“ Oh, bother ! ” I remarkt, “ let us go out and git some beer.”
“ No, Sir. I want no gross and sensual beer. I ’ll not move from
this spot till I can vote. Who ar you ? ”
I handed him my card, which, in addition to my name, contains a
elabrit description of my show. “ Now, Sir,” I proudly said, “ you
know me ? ”
“ I sollumly swear,” he sternly replied, “ that I never heard of you,
or your show, in my life ! ”
“ And this man,” I cried bitterly, “ calls hisself a intelligent man,
and thinks he orter be allowed to vote ! What a holler mockery ! ”
I’ve no objection to ev’ry intelligent man votin’ if he wants to. It’s
a pleasant amoosement, no doubt; but there is those whose igrance is
so dense and loathsum that they shouldn’t be trustid with a ballit any
more ’n one of my trained serpunts should be trusted with a child to
play with.
I went to the station with a view of returnin’ to town on the cars.
“ This way, Sir,” said the guard; “ here you ar,” and he pinted to a
first-class carrige, the sole ockepant of which was a rayther prepos-
sessin’ female of about 30 summers.
“ No, I thank you,” I ernestly replied, “ I prefer to walk.”
I am, dear Sir,
\< ery respectivly yours,
Artemus Ward.
OFF TO THE SEA.
Air—“ Over the Sea."
“ Off to the Sea ! off to the Sea ! ”
Hear what a coaxing wife whispered to me—
“ Oft' to the Sea! off to the Sea !
Dearest, you ’re working too long :
Then, Charles, Charles, Charles,
Let’s all go together,
This warm Autumn weather,
For, Charles, Charles, Charles,
The children are not looking strong.”
So it’s off to the Sea ! off to the Sea !
Hear what a cunning wife whispered to me—
“ Off to the Sea ! off to the Sea!
Somebody’s working too long.”
Off to the Sea! off to the Sea !
Tickets the clerk has just given to me,
Off to the Sea! off to the Sea!
Now then for Ramsgate once more.
There we ’ll bathe, bathe, bathe,
And hear the waves roar
On its populous shore ;
There we ’ll boat, boat, boat,
And saunter in straw-hats along.
So, it’s off to the Sea ! off to the Sea!
Hear what a wily wife whispers to me—
“ Off to the Sea! off to the Sea !
Charlie, you ’re going once more.”
Found.—The individual who was lost in thought has since been
discovered in a brown study.