Punch (56.1869)

January 16, 1869.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

11

A NOTION OF A CHRISTMAS NUMBER.

hristmas and its holidays are
over, but the Christinas perio-
dicals are still selling, at least
to judge by the maxim, ex u?io
disce omnes. Modesty forbids
the more particular mention
of the Almanack to which this
refers. Some say there are
Christmas annuals more than
enough, but there is room for
one more, which, however,
would not make them the
more the merrier. Could not
the conductors of a censo-
rious journal, if such there
be, come out, for once in the
way at least, with a Christmas
Number? The majority of
Christmas publications gush,
or are meant to gush, or to j
seem to gush, with the milk
of human kindness. The one
which any severe contempo-
rary may be advised to issue,
might, on the contrary, gusli
with the bile of critical acri-
mony. The principal stock
subjects in connection with
Christmas might all be treated
in the spirit of Smeltfungus,
by way of a refreshing novelty.
Holly and mistletoe might be
shown up as paganisms parti-
cularly inappropriate to the
season, ana instead of those
emblems, cypress and yew
might be recommended as
being more ecclesiastical,
because of their relation to churchyards. Plum-pudding and mince-
pie might be abused as conducive to heathenish and. swinish gluttony,
and very unwholesome besides. “ Holly and Mistletoe,” “ Plum-
pudding and Mince-pie,” indeed, might be taken for the titles of articles
written in the tone above indicated. The topic of “ Pantomimes ”
might be treated in the same way with a pointed exposition of the
particular contrariety to all that Christmas means of gross and riotous
buffoonery. “Blind Man’s Buff,” and “Hunt the Slipper,” might
be decried as well, and denounced as imbecilities characteristic of the
British middle-classes, alike customary and contemptible. “Snap-
dragon ” would furnish a theme for similar comment, concluding with
the expression of the wish that every idiot who played at that
execrable game might bum his fingers.

SUPPLEMENTARY TREASURY MINUTE.

To be appeiided to that composed by Mr. Ward Hunt, and published
by Mr. Ayrton.

My Lords, adhering to all that has been set forth in the above
Minute, in regard to the extravagant habits of certam Civil Servants
(whereby, and by reason of the embarrassments into which they plunge,
they are the less qualified to attend to the Business of the Nation) but
holding also that prevention is better than cure, annex the following
suggestions.

_ That yomig Civil Servants, on appointment, do privately take a
piece of paper, of any size or colour they may prefer, and do write
down thereupon the amount of their salary. That they sub-divide
this, with the aid of a Ready Reckoner, into fractional parts, so that
they may see how much hard cash they ought to spend daily, weekly,
monthly, quarterly, and yearly.

Example. £100 a-year sounds largely to a youth who has previously
had nothing but pocket-money from his parents, but let liim look at it
thus:—

Per Year.

Per Quarter.

Per Month.

Per Week.

Per Day. |

£100

£25

£8 6 8

£1 18 5i

os. b\d. |

Five shillings and fivepence three farthings a day. Very well, then
let him do another sum. How does he propose to live ?

Four cigars at sixpence each

. 2s. 0d.

Cab to the office (say)

..10

Flower for button-hole

. 0 6

Lunch.

..16

Omnibus home ....

. 0 6


5 6

He is already, he will observe, one farthing in excess of his income,
and no provision has been made for rent, tailor, regular meals, boot-
maker, glover, and haberdasher, and a few other matters which, in our
present ill-regulated state of society, involve paying or owing for.

Now he may have £200, £300, or £400, but the highest of these
sums will give him only £1 1.?. lid. daily.

Add to the above.os. 6d.

Horse hire . . . . . ..76

Dinner and wine at Club . . . .50

Two brandies and seltzers . . ..20

A LADY’S PROTEST.

Dear Mr. Punch,

I am a very social girl, and also very scientific, so I always
read the reports of the Social Science Meetings. I see that at one of
them, mentioned in the Standard (I am a Tory girl) Dr. Stallard
said,—

“ If only one quarter more of the dirt of London could be swept away than
now is, bow great would be the gain.”

Dear Mr. Punch, the gentlemen should be reasonable with us. I am
sure we women do what we can. My dress is very long, and I never
loop it up, not that my ancles are bad, but because it is absurd to care
about saving the clothes other people pay for. And I never come in
from a walk without bringing in more than my fair share of London
dirt with me, to say nothing of cigar-ends, orange-peel, herrings’-tails,
and other trifles, and the way my brothers go on at me for what they
are pleased to call slatternliness, and how they name me Dorothy
Draggletail, and shig stupid songs about me, would daunt anybody
but a female who scorns to be dictated to about dress. Really, we
cannot do more than we do, and I only wish you could see my stock-
ings, and the state of my Mamma’s new Turkey carpet.

Yours sincerely,

Improvlda.

Our “ Wag’s Last.”

It is said that there were disturbances at Ceuta, owing to the delight
of the people at the idea of becoming English. But this was premature.
They must not be too ambitious. Ne Ceuta ultra crepidam.

£10 0

Which leaves him the handsome, but scarcely adequate sum of one
shilling and elevenpence for the expenses above enumerated, or for his
wife, if he has fascinated a Girl of the Period into marrying him.

My Lords are aware that there are many other ways of muddling away
an income, but they have no intention to be severe, and merely suggest
that the first sum which a newly-appointed clerk should do, might well
be the sum of his own happiness. Examination of income, on the
above principles, will, they are satisfied, do more to produce the desir-
able effect in the mind of an honest young gentleman, than all the
thunder which they have deemed it necessary to emit in the hopes of
scaring the Service out of its extravagance.

By way of showing that while urging others to reform, they can
amend their own customs, My Lords propose, at the beginning of the
financial year, to pay all salaries monthly. Young wives will be glad
to hear this.

Strange Goings On.

One of the most prominent of the spectacular Churches in London
appears to be St. Paul’s, at Walworth, the incumbent of which is the
Rev. John Going, and he certainly does seem to be going it. Indeed
after reading a notice of his performances, it is pretty safe to predict
that we shall soon hear Going has gone—to Rome. The sooner he and
all like him make the journey the better—

“ Stand not upon the order of your Going, but go at once.”

ALL BUT ONE.

Good, kind Victor Hugo has been again feasting the young in
Guernsey. Love of the little ones is such a passion with him that we
fully expect him one of these days to forgive Somebody simply because
the poet called him Le Petit.

Musical and Melancholy-

Has the singular fact been remarked that all Operas have exactly
the same number of pieces, for they all have—a score ? A thoughtful
observer is also puzzled by finding that for a Burlesque to be completely
successful, it must have a Breakdown.