Punch: Punch (56.1869)

March 6, 1869.]

PUNCH, OR. THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

87

HONOURABLE AMBITION.

Colourman <quite concerned). “ Oh ! Permit me to send them for you, Sir,
or Wrap them in Paper.”

Swell. “No tha — nks, I’d Rather Carry them Myself thh-us;

’shall be taken for an ARTIST ! ”

NO JOKE FOR A JURY.

O poor Jury, boxed, poor Jury,

Three weeks odd, each day but one;

Rose impatience not to fury
Ere your weary task was done ?

You were special, picked and chosen
For the nonce, were you, indeed.

But had one among your dozen,
Business of his own to heed ?

Put an artist on an action,

Or a scribe as juror bind,

How shall that man help distraction,
From his duty, of his mind ?

Thoughts of lost employment pressing
He can chase not, nor control

Fell anxiety, distressing,

If it were to save his soul.

If your case need comprehension,
Litigants, your jury, then,

Must, to give it due attention,

Be composed of leisure men.

Swells in yachts life idly leading,
Fishing, hunting, shooting, who.

Might, to work for bread not needing,
Sing, “ We’ve got no work to do.”

An Answer in Kind.

When you lament that you are not well enough off to
pursue your favourite studies, travel, hunt, shoot, and fish,
live amid the surroundings you would like, dress like a
gentleman, and associate with your friends on equal terms,
some people pretend to offer you consolation by bidding
you compare your lot with that of a beggar, and remind-
ing you how many paupers there are in the workhouse. As
if anyone with a rightly-constituted mind could derive any
satisfaction from considering the unhappiness of others.

THE CRETANS AS THEY WERE.

Now that the Greek difficulty is over for the present,
perhaps the Cretans will Lie still.

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

February 22. Monday. Earl Russell delighted the Peers by an
intimation that as soon as he should be instructed, from returns, upon
certain points connected with national education, he would deliver a
speech upon that novel and entertaining subject. The Peers, unable
to contain their joy, instantly went away.

Cattle plague was mentioned in the H. of C. Such mention gives
Mr. Punch a peg on which to hang a note that Miss Coutts has pub-
lished a kindly and womanly plea (pardon the tautology, Wardens of
our Hearts) in behalf of youthful cattle, better known as calves, who
are cruelly treated by the ruffians to whom for the most part the con-
veyance of the poor creatures is entrusted. Miss Coutts urges that,
at a time when we are paying so much attention to criminal bipeds,
it would be but Christianlike to spare a little for innocent quadrupeds.

The Hon. John Bright promised a Mercantile Marine Bill, with an
Appalling number of clauses. He appalled ! Tell that to the Mer-
cantile Marines.

Mr. Hardcastle, who, from his question one would think must live
in the Castle of Indolence, actually asked when the holidays were to
be. It was not a 1'ortnight since school had met. Doctor Gladstone,
Head Master, could not say, but was willing to hear what the boys
wished, Easter falling so early. He was for giving them a Vacation
when they had done something more to earn it—and, he added, as a
placebo, when they would have a more genial season for its enjoyment.

Bemg asked to define a House, the same great master of definition
declined to do anything of the sort. In other words, he was not in-
clined yet to begin tinkering the last Reform Act.

The Irish Secretary announced that out of the eighty-eight Fe-
nians whom we now have in Band for being Opinioned (Dogberry and
Verges) forty-nine should be released, as hot-headed fools, who had
been misled. The other thirty-two comprised all the main founders,
organisers, and leaders of the Fenian movement. Yet an Irish Member

thought—or said—that they might also be let out, if they could give
guarantees of good conduct. “ There’s some virtue in. a lock and
key.” Thirty-four of the supposed harmless felons are in Australia,
and Government, asked whether it would bear the expense of their
coming home, reserved a right to consider each case by itself. If the
Australians do not mind keeping them, Punch conceives that it would
be a pity to deprive them of the advantages of emigration.

The Premier mentioned (as Lord Granville had done elsewhere)
the exceeding sorrow wiih which the Queen had foregone her purpose
to receive the Addresses in person. They were sent in the usual way.
One paper which Mr. Punch has received stated that the Address of
the Upper House was to be presented by the Lords with White Slaves.
Is this the nineteenth sentry, or do we live in msediocre days, among
surfs and willans, under the Fuddle system ?

Mr. Gladstone brought in some technical Bill about Pensions, but
as he made no mention of the pension we ought to have, we abstain
from minding what is not our business. As Grand Adviser of Cabi-
nets, we should have thought— but no matter. Money is not every-
thing in this world—it only procures everything.

Now, this next paragraph may Bore some, but it must be heeded for
all that. Rates ! do you know what rates are, M’m ? Is your mantel-
piece ever free from those detestable little notices, demanding sums
which are detestable but not little ? Well, rates are laid on at random,
and if they were collected in the same way, there would be a chance for
everybody. But the collection is the only part of the business which
is done systematically. We pay about Oue and Elevenpence in the
lb., and London pays about a Million and a Half. We are most un-
justly assessed, and good Mr. Goschen is going to rectify this, by
appointing Boards who shall assess fairly. This will be a real reform,
and tends to a Free-Breakfast table—one free from acrimonious
remarks, on the part of Pater, to the effect that he is always paying
rates, and that he has a great mind to live in a hotel.

Mr. M'Evor resolves to repeal the Ecclesiastical Titles Act. Will
he ? Ha ! Clever M‘Evor—well, do your endeavour.