Punch (56.1869)

April 3, 1SG9.1

PUNCH. OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

131

EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.

Employer {on Ms way to business on Monday morning). “Ah, Saunders! I’m
Sorry to see you in this Way. I thought you'd turned over a New Leaf ! ’
Saunders {repentant). “ Sho I ’ad, Shir, rut {hie) ’tsii all along o’ these
’ere Wa’er (Jo’tanies—I ’sshure you, Shir, ’ere washn’t ’Drop o’ Wa’er
in our Siiisht'rn all Yesht'rday ! !! ”

THE LADIES’ CLUB.

A Ladies’ Club is said to be in process of formation. How the male mind shud-
ders at this most tremendous news ! What a field for fearful questions the intelli-
gence suggests ! Will there be a Club Committee ? and if so, at its meetings how
many ladies’ tongues will be allowed to speak at once ? Will there be a smoking-
room ? And, if so, will cigars be suffered to be lighted, or will the fear of being ill
restrain the ladies from indulgence in anything except the very mildest cigarettes?
Will conversation be restricted to the politics of the nursery and the latest news
in bonnets; or what will be the limits sanctioned to recounters of a thrilling bit of
scandal, or to narrators of a tale of love, or marriage, or divorce, which has just been
set, a-wagging in high life? Instead of billiards we presume the younger members
will amuse themselves with tatting, while the elder are engaged in a fierce battle
at Bezique. We would suggest that, if new members be elected by the ballot,
it would be fitting that the votes should be signified by cotton balls. Of course no
husband will be suffered to set his foot within the sacred threshold of the Club,
but he may drive up to the door-step, and send word to his wife that the carriage
is in waiting, when perhaps she may reply that he had better drive straight home,
and let the children have their tea, and on no account wait dinner, as she probably
will stay to take a chop with an old school-fellow, who has just come from the
country, and wants to know a few of the best women of the Club. By the way,
what a sensation would be caused on the street pavement, if the Club belles were
to congregate about the Club beau-windows, and stare through their eye-glasses
at every handsome man who passed 1

The ladies will, of course, want a title for their Club. Perhaps, The Feminevm
would be a fitting name for it ; or would its members prefer to call themselves The
Chatterers while the present fashion lasts? Should the Ladies’ Club prove popular,
there may doubtless be some little ducks desirous to belong to it. But we trust,
however silly may be certain of its members, nobody will ever dream of calling it
The Goose Club.

SOUND POET AND PRINCIPLES.

Air—“ The Vicar of Bray

I am an old and sound divine,

Amongst a few surviving
Who still adhere to old port wine.

To get it genuine striving.

As much as I do find suffice,

I go on drinking daily;

And this is always my advice :

O stick to Port and Paley !

When good port wine was, long ago,

The Clergyman’s potation,

Church parties preached, both High and Low,
And practised, moderation.

But when from port they fell away*,

To my dissatisfaction,

The Low Church rose, and had its day.

And then ensued reaction.

When eyes were bright that now are dim.

And heels that halt went, skipping;

The man at Cambridge called a “ Sim ”

Was noted tea for sipping ;

At Oxford, whilst the other school,

Thereat first ground then gaining.

Applied themselves to live by rule,

Prom their port wine abstaining.

Had every one to port alone
Continued still a true man,

Tractarianism had never grown
Of Pusey and of Newman.

No Ritualists had made a fuss
Of vestments and of candles,

Nor would that, ass, Ignatius,

Have sported frock and sandals.

No Essays and Reviews had seen
The light, if such true nectar
Their authors’ constant drink had been
As what once wanned each Rector.

The liquor of Oporto’s grape
Had ne’er perverted men so :

But lo it was exchanged for Cape !

And that inspired Colenso.

Port wine would have kept Popery
Within our Church a stranger ;

And no occasion there would be
To cry “ The Church in Danger 1 ”

The Irish Branch intact had stayed,
Establishment and treasure :

’Tis Gladstone’s claret that has made
The way for Gladstone’s measure.

Now England’s Clergy, as of old.

No more drink port, no wonder
A first, step taken you behold
The Church and State to sunder.

And port, is getting scarce and dear.

That Pair Pate will dissever.

That wine will fail; their end is near :

They ’ll last my time, however.

Dunce Dunstan.

The only Company not Limited by Act of Parliament.—Bad Company.

“ A man called Dunstan has blown up the Tolmen rock with
powder.”—Times.

Dunstan, for sordid greed, or stupid spite.

To bits the Tolmen, Cornwall’s wonder, blows :

The next time Dunstan and A Party fight,

0, may the pincers be on t’ other nose !

Dialogue from Nepos,

Sharp Roy. Yes, Uncle, I’m out ol my teens.

Uncle. Why, you’re not, sixteen yet.

Sharp Boy.' Never said I was. But I ’ve got cloth clothes
on now.

Uncle {behind his age). YVell, what’s that got to do with it?
Sharp Boy. Why, I’m out of my velvet-teens. Give us
sixpence, Uncle. [Exit Uncle.