DOI Heft:
April 10, 1869
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16883#0147
April 10, 1869.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. Hi
PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
C mbjstmas is over.
The almanacks called
it, Easter, but a decent
Easter would be
ashamed of such
weather, and besides,
a pantomime has just
been produced at
Drury Lane-it was
Christmas, we repeat,
and it is over. The
House of Commons
met again on
April 1, Thursday.
That is, a few of them
came, and stayed for
a short time. Attor-
ney - General Sir
Robert Collier
announced that the
Judges’ report
against Norwich and
Bridgewater was so
strong that we must
have two Commis-
sions to inquire into
the evil doings in
those places. Some loca* men protested, but Mr. Hardy declarea that,
the House must stand b' the Judges, and the Commissions were agreed
to. If we have any iuhaence with our respected contemporaries of the
daily press, we would ask them, when the investigation is going on,
not to waste their valuable space and irritate our valuable temper with
column after column of report of low, vulgar, and paltry exposures, but
merely to sum the matter up with a line to the effect that “ another
batch of Norwich cads to-day made shameless confession of their
malpractices.” Why should the sayings and doings of such animals be
recorded as history ?
The Bill for the Abolition of Imprisonment for Debt was brought in,
but as its parent did not make a speech about it, Mr. Punch will await
his explanations. It would seem that the Prison is to be reserved only
for ihose monsters of crime and contumaciousness who fail to obey the
decree of the County Court.
Friday. Still they didn’t come, out there were quite enough to
carry on debate until past one in the morning. A sensible question was
put to Mr. Layard by Sir Harry Verney about the protection of
ancient monuments in this country, and the Chief Commissioner of
Works made an earnest reply, stating that he had asked the Royal
Society to write him out a list of the monuments requiring public
protection. This Lord Stanhope had undertaken should be done. He
alluded to Dunstan the Vandal who recently destroyed the Tolmen m
Cornwall, in whose favour Mr. Punch last week expressed the hearty wish
that the next time Dunstan and the Enemy contend, the latter may
get hold of Dunstan’s nose, instead of the affair going as in the legend.
But it is useless, as Peter Pindar said, to whip pigs with velvet, and
nothing that Mr. Punch or Mr. Layard can say could affect Dunstan.
Still, the parson of his parish might be down on him with the bit from
the Corumination Service about the curse that resteth upon him who
destroyeth his neighbours’ landmark, explaining to him, for his dismay,
that the Tolmen was a landmark for everybody. If the reverend
gentleman will frighten Dunstan into “the horrors,” Punch will make
a handsome present to the church school.
Mr. Charles Buxton raised a question about an appointment in
the Mint. He was completely answered by Mr. Disraeli, who had
made that appointment, and Mr. Buxton was told by Mr. Gladstone
to shut up. The only points that concern the reader are two. First, the
young gentlemen at the head of the Foreign Office are declared to be
young gentlemen of the greatest intelligence, assiduity, and perse-
verance ; and, secondly (and. this is useful to people who write novels
of political life), when “ a man” (said Disraeli) becomes leader of the
House he is allowed two private secretaries, and one of them is ap-
pointed from the office with which he himself is connected, and without
reference to politics. When Mr. Disraeli’s private secretary first
entered his room in that capacity, the late Premier had not the honour
of his acquaintance, nor did he even now know the gentleman’s poli-
tics. Note this, authors and she-authors, that you may not describe a
Minister’s private secretary as some pet of Mrs. Minister’s, selected
for his Adonis looks, and that you may not make him suddenly spring
from his desk, and in an access of passionate politics reveal to his
employer a scheme for overthrowing the Constitution.
Then the Navy Estimates were taken, and ships were talked all the
evening. The Government are bent upon building two grand sea-
going turret-ships that will go anywhere, and they will not build any
more wooden men-of-war. Mr. Corry, the late First Lord, denounced
these great ships, and read heaps of letters from sea-officers, who pre- j
dieted that they would be useless. But on division Mr. Childers ;
was ordered to have his own way by 122 to 46. There was also a good
deal of controversy about recent Admiralty changes and reforms, but on
the whole the Committee of Supply thought that the Administration
was on the right tack.
The Budget is to follow, Mrs. Grundy, and of course the Income-Tax
as before, Mrs. Grundy, and lucky if it isn’t increased, Mrs.
Grundy, M’m.
MATRIMONIAL AGENCY BALLS.
A Lecture delivered at the Pumpford Social Science Institute.
BY PROFESSOR BUCKLE.
Gentlemen and Ladies, I have the honour to propose the institution
of Matrimonial Agency Balls.
The one sole object with which grown-up persons in general go to
balls is matrimony, either for themselves or the girls they take with
them. But you may go with your daughters to a public ball, and not
find a single eligible partner, that you know, for one of them in the
room. There is the price of tickets, amounting, perhaps, to several
guineas, gone for nothing. There is also the cost of dresses and deco-
rations. This I call throwing away powder and shot; besides which
you are kept up until perhaps four in the morning.
All this waste of tune and money would be saved at a Matrimonial
Agency Ball.
The ball might either be got up through subscription, or given, on
speculation, by a Matrimonial Agent, or Agency Company. Allow me to
mention a few of the arrangements which would be requisite to work it.
Let a hall or gallery be provided in which the photographs of persons
designing to attend the ball may, if they please, be exhibited. Each
portrait to be accompanied with a statement of terms, requirements,
qualifications, capabilities, and so forth. As for example : —
No. 1.—-Man of sixty. Wife wanted, young and beautiful. His
income, from safe investments, £20,000 a year. Will settle all his
property, and her own, if she have any, on herself.
I hope, Gentlemen, that there is not one among you who entertains
so low a view of humanity in its fairest form as to think that the original
of the photograph thus ticketed would be in a position to throw the
handkerchief to any single lady in the Matrimonial Agency Ball-room,
unless he had a competitor still more opulent than himself, or one
equally rich, but older. I trust, too, that none of you would ven-
ture the insinuation that the bare statement of particulars, in such
a case, would suffice, and no photograph be necessary. Well; now
imagine a Candidate of a contrary description; a handsome young
man, entered as :—
No 2.—Captain in a Cavalry Regiment. Longs for a domestic life,
but can’t afford it. Would undertake to make any rational woman happy.
Here you see would be a chance for an heiress who might or might
not be beautiful and accomplished as well ; for an old maid, no matter
how old, if wealthy ; or for a rich widow. Given a maintenance, the
gallant Captain, we may suppose, would not look any gift horse in the
mouth. The cases I have imagined are extremes. A variety of others
may be conceived. A nobleman might have a title to bestow on the
best bidder. Intellect might be desired by some men—mere beauty by
others. Then men have fancies in these matters. One is particular
about eyes, another cares for complexion, another regards figure
rather : this man thinks most of a face, that of a foot and ankle. All
these men, in stating circumstances and requirements, could specify
their peculiar vanities—for oh, my friends, are they not vanities,
after all ? Why now, I can fancy a gentleman registering himself
and his predilection simply as :—
No. 3. Artist. Admirer of Rubens and Etty. Embonpoint.
As to the ladies proposing to attend a Matrimonial Agency Ball,
their pictures alone would say quite enough, with a very few exceptions,
such as when the hope of a husband is based on culinary skill, or some
other utility, or accomplishment, or on £ s. d. Marriage is, and always
will be, most girls’ living; their faces being their fortunes, as the say-
ing is. For what man, in these days, can possibly afford to give his
daughter a portion that would be of material use to anybody but a
small shopkeeper ? Everyone wants to spend much more than he is
able. The professions may, as Society progresses, get thrown more and
more open to the better half of mankind, and Posterity will perhaps see a
woman on the Woolsack. But, for a long time, the field of female
industry will remain restricted to that old vocation wherein obtaining
employment would be greatly facilitated by the institution of Matri-
monial Agency Balls. Patresfamiliarum—Matresfamiliarum ! Parents,
Guardians ! I earnestly hope that the realisation of the idea which I
have now suggested will enable you to economise time and money in
securing matrimony.
PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
C mbjstmas is over.
The almanacks called
it, Easter, but a decent
Easter would be
ashamed of such
weather, and besides,
a pantomime has just
been produced at
Drury Lane-it was
Christmas, we repeat,
and it is over. The
House of Commons
met again on
April 1, Thursday.
That is, a few of them
came, and stayed for
a short time. Attor-
ney - General Sir
Robert Collier
announced that the
Judges’ report
against Norwich and
Bridgewater was so
strong that we must
have two Commis-
sions to inquire into
the evil doings in
those places. Some loca* men protested, but Mr. Hardy declarea that,
the House must stand b' the Judges, and the Commissions were agreed
to. If we have any iuhaence with our respected contemporaries of the
daily press, we would ask them, when the investigation is going on,
not to waste their valuable space and irritate our valuable temper with
column after column of report of low, vulgar, and paltry exposures, but
merely to sum the matter up with a line to the effect that “ another
batch of Norwich cads to-day made shameless confession of their
malpractices.” Why should the sayings and doings of such animals be
recorded as history ?
The Bill for the Abolition of Imprisonment for Debt was brought in,
but as its parent did not make a speech about it, Mr. Punch will await
his explanations. It would seem that the Prison is to be reserved only
for ihose monsters of crime and contumaciousness who fail to obey the
decree of the County Court.
Friday. Still they didn’t come, out there were quite enough to
carry on debate until past one in the morning. A sensible question was
put to Mr. Layard by Sir Harry Verney about the protection of
ancient monuments in this country, and the Chief Commissioner of
Works made an earnest reply, stating that he had asked the Royal
Society to write him out a list of the monuments requiring public
protection. This Lord Stanhope had undertaken should be done. He
alluded to Dunstan the Vandal who recently destroyed the Tolmen m
Cornwall, in whose favour Mr. Punch last week expressed the hearty wish
that the next time Dunstan and the Enemy contend, the latter may
get hold of Dunstan’s nose, instead of the affair going as in the legend.
But it is useless, as Peter Pindar said, to whip pigs with velvet, and
nothing that Mr. Punch or Mr. Layard can say could affect Dunstan.
Still, the parson of his parish might be down on him with the bit from
the Corumination Service about the curse that resteth upon him who
destroyeth his neighbours’ landmark, explaining to him, for his dismay,
that the Tolmen was a landmark for everybody. If the reverend
gentleman will frighten Dunstan into “the horrors,” Punch will make
a handsome present to the church school.
Mr. Charles Buxton raised a question about an appointment in
the Mint. He was completely answered by Mr. Disraeli, who had
made that appointment, and Mr. Buxton was told by Mr. Gladstone
to shut up. The only points that concern the reader are two. First, the
young gentlemen at the head of the Foreign Office are declared to be
young gentlemen of the greatest intelligence, assiduity, and perse-
verance ; and, secondly (and. this is useful to people who write novels
of political life), when “ a man” (said Disraeli) becomes leader of the
House he is allowed two private secretaries, and one of them is ap-
pointed from the office with which he himself is connected, and without
reference to politics. When Mr. Disraeli’s private secretary first
entered his room in that capacity, the late Premier had not the honour
of his acquaintance, nor did he even now know the gentleman’s poli-
tics. Note this, authors and she-authors, that you may not describe a
Minister’s private secretary as some pet of Mrs. Minister’s, selected
for his Adonis looks, and that you may not make him suddenly spring
from his desk, and in an access of passionate politics reveal to his
employer a scheme for overthrowing the Constitution.
Then the Navy Estimates were taken, and ships were talked all the
evening. The Government are bent upon building two grand sea-
going turret-ships that will go anywhere, and they will not build any
more wooden men-of-war. Mr. Corry, the late First Lord, denounced
these great ships, and read heaps of letters from sea-officers, who pre- j
dieted that they would be useless. But on division Mr. Childers ;
was ordered to have his own way by 122 to 46. There was also a good
deal of controversy about recent Admiralty changes and reforms, but on
the whole the Committee of Supply thought that the Administration
was on the right tack.
The Budget is to follow, Mrs. Grundy, and of course the Income-Tax
as before, Mrs. Grundy, and lucky if it isn’t increased, Mrs.
Grundy, M’m.
MATRIMONIAL AGENCY BALLS.
A Lecture delivered at the Pumpford Social Science Institute.
BY PROFESSOR BUCKLE.
Gentlemen and Ladies, I have the honour to propose the institution
of Matrimonial Agency Balls.
The one sole object with which grown-up persons in general go to
balls is matrimony, either for themselves or the girls they take with
them. But you may go with your daughters to a public ball, and not
find a single eligible partner, that you know, for one of them in the
room. There is the price of tickets, amounting, perhaps, to several
guineas, gone for nothing. There is also the cost of dresses and deco-
rations. This I call throwing away powder and shot; besides which
you are kept up until perhaps four in the morning.
All this waste of tune and money would be saved at a Matrimonial
Agency Ball.
The ball might either be got up through subscription, or given, on
speculation, by a Matrimonial Agent, or Agency Company. Allow me to
mention a few of the arrangements which would be requisite to work it.
Let a hall or gallery be provided in which the photographs of persons
designing to attend the ball may, if they please, be exhibited. Each
portrait to be accompanied with a statement of terms, requirements,
qualifications, capabilities, and so forth. As for example : —
No. 1.—-Man of sixty. Wife wanted, young and beautiful. His
income, from safe investments, £20,000 a year. Will settle all his
property, and her own, if she have any, on herself.
I hope, Gentlemen, that there is not one among you who entertains
so low a view of humanity in its fairest form as to think that the original
of the photograph thus ticketed would be in a position to throw the
handkerchief to any single lady in the Matrimonial Agency Ball-room,
unless he had a competitor still more opulent than himself, or one
equally rich, but older. I trust, too, that none of you would ven-
ture the insinuation that the bare statement of particulars, in such
a case, would suffice, and no photograph be necessary. Well; now
imagine a Candidate of a contrary description; a handsome young
man, entered as :—
No 2.—Captain in a Cavalry Regiment. Longs for a domestic life,
but can’t afford it. Would undertake to make any rational woman happy.
Here you see would be a chance for an heiress who might or might
not be beautiful and accomplished as well ; for an old maid, no matter
how old, if wealthy ; or for a rich widow. Given a maintenance, the
gallant Captain, we may suppose, would not look any gift horse in the
mouth. The cases I have imagined are extremes. A variety of others
may be conceived. A nobleman might have a title to bestow on the
best bidder. Intellect might be desired by some men—mere beauty by
others. Then men have fancies in these matters. One is particular
about eyes, another cares for complexion, another regards figure
rather : this man thinks most of a face, that of a foot and ankle. All
these men, in stating circumstances and requirements, could specify
their peculiar vanities—for oh, my friends, are they not vanities,
after all ? Why now, I can fancy a gentleman registering himself
and his predilection simply as :—
No. 3. Artist. Admirer of Rubens and Etty. Embonpoint.
As to the ladies proposing to attend a Matrimonial Agency Ball,
their pictures alone would say quite enough, with a very few exceptions,
such as when the hope of a husband is based on culinary skill, or some
other utility, or accomplishment, or on £ s. d. Marriage is, and always
will be, most girls’ living; their faces being their fortunes, as the say-
ing is. For what man, in these days, can possibly afford to give his
daughter a portion that would be of material use to anybody but a
small shopkeeper ? Everyone wants to spend much more than he is
able. The professions may, as Society progresses, get thrown more and
more open to the better half of mankind, and Posterity will perhaps see a
woman on the Woolsack. But, for a long time, the field of female
industry will remain restricted to that old vocation wherein obtaining
employment would be greatly facilitated by the institution of Matri-
monial Agency Balls. Patresfamiliarum—Matresfamiliarum ! Parents,
Guardians ! I earnestly hope that the realisation of the idea which I
have now suggested will enable you to economise time and money in
securing matrimony.