DOI Heft:
March 13, 1869
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16883#0103
March 13, 1869.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
97
HINTS FOR CONVERSATION.
CONVENTS AND CONVENTS.
T is possible that
you may find peo-
ple more ready to
talk, over the
epergne, of the
contest which will
take place on Wed-
nesday, the 17th,
at four o’clock,
than of the conflict
to commence on
Thursday, the 18,
about the same
hour, and dispos-
ed to take a keener
interest in the
Oxford and Cam-
bridge Boat Race,
than in the “ Bill
to put an end to
the Establishment of the Church in Ireland.” Should you be placed
next thoughtless creatures like these, in whose eyes the row on the
Thames is far more important than the row on the Liffey, you will, of
course, lament to yourself the frivolous indifference of society to the
approaching extinction of Archdeacons in Ireland, and the absence of
all excitement on such stirring subjects as Glebe Houses, and the
County Cess: but you will do well to put your oar in and go with the
stream, and drift away for awhile from the See of Dublin to the river
that runs by Putney and Mortlake.
So be ready furnished with the customary details of the number of
years Oxford has won in succession, and the reasons always given
for the defeat of Cambridge, and the names, weights, and colours of
the rowers, and Mr. Morrison’s coaching, and Hammersmith Bridge,
and the behaviour of the steamers, and the conduct of the towing-path;
using one or two becoming boating phrases—feathering, ana jerky
action, and pulling well together, and catching crabs, and the like,
although you may be as ignorant of aquatics as you are of hydraulics—
and not forgetting to refer to that “ Annus Mirabilis ” when Oxford
won seven-handed, or to speak of the race as “ the river Derby.”
Do all this, artfully concealing your own preference until you have
found out whether she is a dark blue or a light blue, and you will get
credit for having quite a flow of conversation, enough to tide you over
dinner, unless, as you are on the river, you are reminded of the threat-
ened reduction in the number of the swans on Linlithgow Loch, owing
to the desperate condition of the public finances ; or prefer to speak at
some length of Miss Swan, the Nova-Seotian giantess ; or the gulls on
the Serpentine; or the Bill for the preservation of Sea-birds; or that
which is to permit you to marry your deceased wife’s sister—a subject,
perhaps, as well avoided if you have a wife, and she is within hearing—
or the playful notion of Erasmus Lambley’s, whose fireside circle is
not considered by his friends to be the happiest in Woburnia, that a
Mother Superior must be a Mother-in-law; or any other harmless Httle
joke you can extract from the lighter topics of the day, such as the
Army and Navy Estimates, the Bankruptcy Bill, or the Election petitions.
What an impetus the trials of these petitions must have given to a
better acquaintance with English Geography ! Did you know, before
Martin and Willes and Blackburn began to reign, in what counties
Bewdley and Bodmin and Stalybridge and Westbury were situated?
About as accurately as you do now the position of Kashgar and Yark-
and, and the exact whereabouts of Semipalatinsk, or the Issy-Kul Lake.
Where’s Wigan? At the Gaiety, is, we believe, the only answer you
are able to give, without turning to the atlas.
With reference to the late Convent Case, the Paris Correspondent
of the Post says :—
“ The scandals of the convents of Italy and Spain would throw your very
mild little drama into the shade. The instruments of torture employed in the
monastic establishments of Italy are more like those which may be seen in the
Tower of London, though not so terrible, I confess. I remember that
Vianeli.i, a Neapolitan artist, who painted interiors of churches and con-
vents, had a collection of ‘ discipline instruments,’ which he had contrived
from time to time to extract from convents. There were rods of fine wire,
collars of iron, heavy rings, heavy iron shoes, and some queer little things
which would puzzle you to conceive how they were applied to the body. I am
speaking of days when the civil power in Italy could not penetrate a monastic
establishment without Church permission.”
Of course there is no fear that any such articles as those above-
specified would be found, on investigation, among the disciplinary
utensils and apparatus of any convent in the United Kingdom. Human
nature in England, and even in Ireland, is quite another thing than
what it is in Italy; and, although clandestine letter-writing to friends
appears to be about the highest crime known to conventual law, no
educated person conversant with genteel society, can possibly imagine
that, in any nunnery throughout these dominions, a Sister has ever to
suffer anything much worse than being crowned with a duster, or
having to wear a pair of boots hung round her neck. Besides, the Italian
atmosphere differs from our own; and the suggestion that any kind of
inspection of monastic establishments in this country is advisable,
cannot, in the true interests of civil and religious liberty, be too
promptly pooh-poohed.
Slightly Different Conclusions.
In a scientific lecture at Paris, lately, the lecturer exhibited enlarged
photographs of .notabilities by the magnesium light, throwing the rest
of the theatre into darkness. When the Emperor’s photograph was
seen, it was saluted by a storm of seditious cries from all parts of the
darkened house. “A la porte !” “Five la Republique/” “Ils’en
ira bientot ! ” and so forth. Query. Is the logical inference from this,
that all those who abuse the Emperor are in the dark, or that every-
body, in the dark, abuses the Emperor ?
BETTER DAYS.
We are told that “ the agricultural statistics of Ireland show an
increase of meadow and clover.” This improvement and her brighter
; Church prospects lead us to hope that Ireland is at last in clover. We
trust that the seeds of discontent will now cease to be sown.
A SKETCH FROM NURSERY HISTORY".
Cheering Intelligence.
According to a contemporary, on delivery of the verdict in Saurin
v. Star—
“ A cheer arose in Westminster Hall, which was immediately taken up out-
side.”
“ Taken up ? ” Indeed ? Taken up by the police, eh, and carried off
to Bow Street? But which was taken up, pray—the cheer, or West-
minster Hall ? One might learn to be more careful in attending to
one’s grammar, when one has been recounting the quibbles of a law case.
In Work.—The public will learn with satisfaction that a use has been
found for Ex-Colonial Bishops. Several of them are now industriously
employed as curates to those Prelates at home who are unable to attend
to their official duties.
Solar Prominences.”—Sun Blinds.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
97
HINTS FOR CONVERSATION.
CONVENTS AND CONVENTS.
T is possible that
you may find peo-
ple more ready to
talk, over the
epergne, of the
contest which will
take place on Wed-
nesday, the 17th,
at four o’clock,
than of the conflict
to commence on
Thursday, the 18,
about the same
hour, and dispos-
ed to take a keener
interest in the
Oxford and Cam-
bridge Boat Race,
than in the “ Bill
to put an end to
the Establishment of the Church in Ireland.” Should you be placed
next thoughtless creatures like these, in whose eyes the row on the
Thames is far more important than the row on the Liffey, you will, of
course, lament to yourself the frivolous indifference of society to the
approaching extinction of Archdeacons in Ireland, and the absence of
all excitement on such stirring subjects as Glebe Houses, and the
County Cess: but you will do well to put your oar in and go with the
stream, and drift away for awhile from the See of Dublin to the river
that runs by Putney and Mortlake.
So be ready furnished with the customary details of the number of
years Oxford has won in succession, and the reasons always given
for the defeat of Cambridge, and the names, weights, and colours of
the rowers, and Mr. Morrison’s coaching, and Hammersmith Bridge,
and the behaviour of the steamers, and the conduct of the towing-path;
using one or two becoming boating phrases—feathering, ana jerky
action, and pulling well together, and catching crabs, and the like,
although you may be as ignorant of aquatics as you are of hydraulics—
and not forgetting to refer to that “ Annus Mirabilis ” when Oxford
won seven-handed, or to speak of the race as “ the river Derby.”
Do all this, artfully concealing your own preference until you have
found out whether she is a dark blue or a light blue, and you will get
credit for having quite a flow of conversation, enough to tide you over
dinner, unless, as you are on the river, you are reminded of the threat-
ened reduction in the number of the swans on Linlithgow Loch, owing
to the desperate condition of the public finances ; or prefer to speak at
some length of Miss Swan, the Nova-Seotian giantess ; or the gulls on
the Serpentine; or the Bill for the preservation of Sea-birds; or that
which is to permit you to marry your deceased wife’s sister—a subject,
perhaps, as well avoided if you have a wife, and she is within hearing—
or the playful notion of Erasmus Lambley’s, whose fireside circle is
not considered by his friends to be the happiest in Woburnia, that a
Mother Superior must be a Mother-in-law; or any other harmless Httle
joke you can extract from the lighter topics of the day, such as the
Army and Navy Estimates, the Bankruptcy Bill, or the Election petitions.
What an impetus the trials of these petitions must have given to a
better acquaintance with English Geography ! Did you know, before
Martin and Willes and Blackburn began to reign, in what counties
Bewdley and Bodmin and Stalybridge and Westbury were situated?
About as accurately as you do now the position of Kashgar and Yark-
and, and the exact whereabouts of Semipalatinsk, or the Issy-Kul Lake.
Where’s Wigan? At the Gaiety, is, we believe, the only answer you
are able to give, without turning to the atlas.
With reference to the late Convent Case, the Paris Correspondent
of the Post says :—
“ The scandals of the convents of Italy and Spain would throw your very
mild little drama into the shade. The instruments of torture employed in the
monastic establishments of Italy are more like those which may be seen in the
Tower of London, though not so terrible, I confess. I remember that
Vianeli.i, a Neapolitan artist, who painted interiors of churches and con-
vents, had a collection of ‘ discipline instruments,’ which he had contrived
from time to time to extract from convents. There were rods of fine wire,
collars of iron, heavy rings, heavy iron shoes, and some queer little things
which would puzzle you to conceive how they were applied to the body. I am
speaking of days when the civil power in Italy could not penetrate a monastic
establishment without Church permission.”
Of course there is no fear that any such articles as those above-
specified would be found, on investigation, among the disciplinary
utensils and apparatus of any convent in the United Kingdom. Human
nature in England, and even in Ireland, is quite another thing than
what it is in Italy; and, although clandestine letter-writing to friends
appears to be about the highest crime known to conventual law, no
educated person conversant with genteel society, can possibly imagine
that, in any nunnery throughout these dominions, a Sister has ever to
suffer anything much worse than being crowned with a duster, or
having to wear a pair of boots hung round her neck. Besides, the Italian
atmosphere differs from our own; and the suggestion that any kind of
inspection of monastic establishments in this country is advisable,
cannot, in the true interests of civil and religious liberty, be too
promptly pooh-poohed.
Slightly Different Conclusions.
In a scientific lecture at Paris, lately, the lecturer exhibited enlarged
photographs of .notabilities by the magnesium light, throwing the rest
of the theatre into darkness. When the Emperor’s photograph was
seen, it was saluted by a storm of seditious cries from all parts of the
darkened house. “A la porte !” “Five la Republique/” “Ils’en
ira bientot ! ” and so forth. Query. Is the logical inference from this,
that all those who abuse the Emperor are in the dark, or that every-
body, in the dark, abuses the Emperor ?
BETTER DAYS.
We are told that “ the agricultural statistics of Ireland show an
increase of meadow and clover.” This improvement and her brighter
; Church prospects lead us to hope that Ireland is at last in clover. We
trust that the seeds of discontent will now cease to be sown.
A SKETCH FROM NURSERY HISTORY".
Cheering Intelligence.
According to a contemporary, on delivery of the verdict in Saurin
v. Star—
“ A cheer arose in Westminster Hall, which was immediately taken up out-
side.”
“ Taken up ? ” Indeed ? Taken up by the police, eh, and carried off
to Bow Street? But which was taken up, pray—the cheer, or West-
minster Hall ? One might learn to be more careful in attending to
one’s grammar, when one has been recounting the quibbles of a law case.
In Work.—The public will learn with satisfaction that a use has been
found for Ex-Colonial Bishops. Several of them are now industriously
employed as curates to those Prelates at home who are unable to attend
to their official duties.
Solar Prominences.”—Sun Blinds.