Punch: Punch (56.1869)

February 6, 1869.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

45

LOOK HERE, LOYD LINDSAY.

Brisk Volunteer {to languid ditto). “ You ’ll be at Drill next Saturday,
won’t you ? ”

Languid One. “Eh, ah, it’s the First this Season, isn’t it? Ya-as,

’think I SHALL. THERE’s SORE TO BE MORE TALK THAN DWILL ; SO IT ’LL BE A

■good Night to go ! ”

BLACKHEATH AND THE BEGGARS.

Brayo, Blackheatk ! What a blessing it would, be if all tbe towns in England
were to follow its example, and set on foot a Men-and-women-dicity Society! This
is how all beggars are treated at Blackheatk:—

‘ ‘ Tickets are supplied to every house in the neighbourhood; one of these is to be given
to the beggar in answer to his application. The ticket merely gives him the right to be
attended to by the society’s officer, at the Alexandra Rooms, Blackheath, and has, therefore,
no marketable value.

“ The officer listens to his tale; if he be resident in the neighbourhood, he will receive
•a printed form, in which his statements are inserted, enclosed in an envelope, to the relieving
■officer of his district. Very few of these letters will ever be delivered, the impostor well
knowing the reception which awaits him; and, being unable to procure anything but the
society’s tickets in the whole of the neighbourhood, he will go elsewhere.

‘‘ The committee is quite ready to admit that there occasionally may be a worthy case.
In this instance the letter will reach the relieving officer. By him a form will be filled up,
•stating what the guardians have been able to allow, and expressing his opinion if any
further assistance might be advantageously given. The applicant is thereupon referred
to the clergyman or minister near whom he resides ; and the society hopes to be able to
forward a donation for his relief, to be applied through authorised local channels.”

If the beggar be deserving, he will be relieved ; if he be an impostor, he will be
•detected. How many beggars in a hundred are worthy to be helped, the bulletin
which is displayed at Blackheath every week may indicate:— r

“ Blackheath Mendicity Society.—Cases attended to—last week, 98; ditto last
month, 410. Professed mendicants and distressed labourers sent from the neighbourhood—
last week, 69 ; ditto, last month, 241. Deserving cases—last week, 6 ; ditto last month, 20.”

Honest workmen out of work, aud wanting to get home, have a railway ticket
given them to do so. Beggars who declare that they are absolutely starving get
a bit of bread, which they must eat in the presence of the officer who gives it.
Worthy cases are endorsed by tbe parish authorities, and charity flows in abund-
antly to help them. But scamps are scared away, and tramps go tramping off
from the village of Blackheath, and on this account it surely may be called the
Happy Village.

RETRENCHMENT : A SOLILOQUY.

(by a sentimentalist in the civil service.)

Old fogies say, old stories show,

That fellows, fools though far above ;

Eor girls half mad went years ago,

Eell, as they used to say, in love.

So frantic as those fellows flew,

Never in these days you see men ;

Some seniors this attribute to
Tobacco, which they smoked not then.

They melancholy got, and pale,

In various books, the fact we read ;
Became indifferent to ale?

And actually off their feed !

A state of mind one scarcely can
One’s self imagine being in;

Except, supposing that a man
Were terribly hard up for tin.

Yet when I look into the face
Of somebody that I could name;

It is undoubtedly the case
That something like a gentle flame
Communicated from her eyes,

A slight sensation does impart.

Which, if a fellow were unwise,

He might encourage in his heart.

Her smile such happiness beams through,
That, if she were a fellow’s wife,

He fancies he’d be happy too,

Being the partner of her life.

But when he estimates her dress,

And counts the cost of being wed.

Of course this dream of happiness
He then dismisses from his head.

But now economy’s the cry
In public service ; so it may
Become the fashion by-and-by
Likewise in the domestic way.
Impressions one might then allow
To have upon him those effects,

YVkich prudence will not suffer, now.

Them to produce, if he reflects.

Once, on two hundred pounds a-ycar,

I’ve heard, a couple could commence ;
Now it requires a thousand, clear—

So great is married life’s expense.

Perhaps Retrenchment will recall
The cheaper times of which we ’re told,
And fellows, if they choose, may fall
In love, and marry as of old.

THE ASTRONOMY OE THE STAGE.

Students of theatrical astronomy who are desirous of
learning all about the movemeuts of the Stars in the
dramatic firmament, should provide themselves forthwith
with Mr. Anson’s Almanack, wherein abundant infor-
mation is furnished on such matters. Here they will find
recorded the times and places of the rising and the setting
of all the stars of any magnitude that have appeared since
wellnigh Shakspere’s time until the present. Here they
may learn the orbits of the planets who go starring in the
provinces, and the positions of the fixed stars that prefer to
keep in town ; and they may find recorded very interesting
tales of many of the comets, or eccentric bodies, that from
time to time have blazed upon the stage. Here they will
learn when Harlequin, that “bright, particular star,” first
shone before the footlights ; and they will hear who first
discovered the constellation Pantomime, at which so many
telescopes, in the shape of opera-glasses, are nightly now
directed.

The Presiding Genius oe the Public Offices,
(according to Mr. Ayrton).—High-pay-tia.

To be Revived (Since the Alarm about Poisonous
Washes').—The Rightful Hair.