DOI Heft:
May 15, 1869
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16883#0211
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Mat is, 1869.
more. Other birds have their eyes open ; Owls are always blinking ;
bat they see when others sleep.
“ I have not met you, Mr. Goosey,” observed Mr. Owl, while
Goosey was irresolutely playing with the pen, “ since you were three
or four years old.”
This reminiscence had in it something tender. It was as much as
Mr. Owl could say safely, and conscientiously, as regarded that
Invisible Presence, his Client.
To remind Goosey" of those days had in it, I say, something of tender
warning. It seemed to say, “ You are younger than I am by a lifetime.
I have known your father all these years. I understand him. You
don’t. Take care.” But the handwriting on the parchment was mere
pot-hooks and hangers to Goosey, and the old Owl’s hint, if hint it
was intended to be, was utterly thrown away. In vain we told him
that of all edged tools a legal instrument was the most dangerous.
“ Bah ! he would trust his father,” he said; and to that sentiment
what could we return ?—nothing.
So Goosey signed away his money, and was happy. Receiving so
much a year, quite a trifle, he was determined to marry, and did ; for
Ida, with all her good sense, was not proof against his enthusiasm.
She could have met argument with argument: affirmative possibilities
with negative probabilities, and could (if occasion had required) have
damped ardour. But Enthusiasm did everything in half-an-hour, even
to buying the ring, and setting off in a cab to swear before a gentleman
at a writing desk (Cupid’s Secretary, pro tern., whom you expect to be
cheerful and radiant, and generally interested in your personal matters,
but he isn’t, and merely asks your name, her name, takes as a matter
of course parents’ consent, pockets a fee, and continues the ordinary
work your entrance has interrupted), and even to enlisting on his side,
the sympathies of such a staid elderly couple as Mr. and Mrs. Dor-
mouse.
Dormouse Senior came out very strongly on this occasion, promising
to lend him his expenses of a “ call” to the Bar, which Goosey was
to repay when he should make a fortune in his profession.
I pass over the wedding, a very quiet one, and the Honeymoon, of
which, of course, I am profoundly ignorant; but when they returned,
and took lodgings in town, we all put our shoulders to their little boat,
and assisted at the launch. And should the barque overturn, could
not a Duck swim, and a Goose too ? So we were confident and hopeful.
Goosey passed an examination, and obtained some honourable dis-
tinction, and therefore Dormouse and Porcupine took him one day to
call upon the Moles, one member of which firm Tom Porcupine was I
going to see on a matter of importance to him, and not of even six-and-
eightpenceworth importance to Mr. Mole Senior, who would give as
much time, care, and attention to a case that could never bring him
in a groat, as he would to one which was to be worth thousands to his
practice.
The Three Moles Solicitors had their offices in one house, were
partners, each one, however, in his own separate and distinct line.
They were Members of some one or other of the Most Ancient People’s
Tribes, and despite all Christian prejudice and tradition to the contrary,
were as kind, as liberal, as charitable, and as generous, both in and out
of their business, as any Gentile, in the same line, that you would ever
come across in a long summer-day’s search, from Holborn Valley to
the end of Queen Street, Lincoln’s-Inn-Bields.
{To be Continued.)
THE SOLDIER’S POOR FEET.
Sir John Ealstapp had a very good reason for objecting to march
through Coventry with his regiment of ragamuffins. Is it possible that
he would, if now in being, have had an objection, still better founded,
to march through Eleet Street the other day with certain companies of
the gallant 98th ? Doubtless, albeit revived in rejuvenescence, as when
he was not an eagle’s talon in the waist, and could have crept into any
alderman’s thumb-ring; when eight yards of uneven ground would
have been, not threescore and ten miles, but a joke with him. The
said 98th had to march from the other side of Staines to the Tower
Wharf, a distance of nearly thirty miles, and by the time they passed
the quarters of Field Marshal Punch, were seen, by a correspondent of
the Times, most of them hobbling. Knocked up even with that loim
march along a level turnpike ? Yes ; as a troop of Spartan infantry would
have been in like case, forced to march all the way, as the 98th were,
in new boots—a forced march truly. The Times sensibly suggests that
now, when it is proposed to employ the leisure time of our soldiers in
some kind of industry, a few shoemakers, who could see where the
military shoe pinches, and put it right, might be attached to every
regiment. At present there appears to be a sad deficiency of respectable
Shoemakers in the ranks of the British Army, whilst, among those
superior persons who are responsibie for the way in which its Foot is
shod, there are some very bungling Snobs. It is all to no purpose that
we talk of improving the condition of the British soldier, and putting
him on a better footing, when every man who knows how badly the
Lobster, as he is vulgarly called, is off for what the vulgar also term
Crabshells, would, on no account, like to be in his shoes.
VERY QUEER EISH.
According to the Hampshire Independent:—-
“ An American contemporary says fish, may be kept alive for ten days or
more without water by filling their mouths with crumbs of bread saturated
with brandy, and pouring a little brandy in their stomachs, after which, in
this torpid state, they may be packed in straw. They become alive in a few
hours when again placed in fresh water.”
And then, one would think, they must be very fresh themselves.
The freshness of the fresh water, however, which refreshes the fish, we
may presume to mean the contrary to vapidness, and not the absence
of salt; though of all the scaly and finny race,
“ Fishes that tipple in the deep,”
should be the most capable of standing spirits, and the least of being
reduced to insensibility by brandy. It may, indeed, be argued that
salt-water fish are apt at times to get half-seas-over, and thus screwed
in some degree, if not to that of being absolutely tight. But this is
the unscrupulous sophistry of an abandoned punster. It is occasionally
said of a bibulous person that he drinks like a fish ; that is, practises
the reverse of total abstinence without being the worse for liquor.
The truth, however, is, even if the above-quoted statement is true,
instead of being simply American, that the only fish who ever get
drunk are fish out of water.
THE CHIEF MAGISTRATE OF CORK.
Under the heading of “ Extraordinary Proceedings at Cork,” the
Globe states that—■
“ On Sunday the Mayor of Cork went to the Bridewell, and discharged
the prisoners confined there.”
Did the Mayor of Cork really talk the treasonable Thuggery that
he is reported to have vented at the Fenian dinner ? Did he counte-
nance the Fenian dinner at all ? Then there is no wonder in his
having gone to the Bridewell, and let all the scoundrels loose. But it
is to be lamented that he went to Bridewell on a Sunday of his own
accord, instead of having been sent there upon a working-day by
lawful authority.
DE POTATORE EXCLUDENDO.
Dr. Manning, the illicit Archbishop of Westminster, advocating a
liquor law, argued at St. James’s Hall, the other evening, the justice of
such a law from “ the admitted right ” of majorities in these days to
impose legislation upon a minority against its will. Oh, Dr. Manning !
No such right is now admitted more than it ever was. The minority
never recognised the right—only submitted to the might. And to-day,
if Dr. Manning and his associates were a majority instead of a minority,
the majority that now is, then reduced to a minority, would as little
admit the right of the greater number to debar it from liquoring up, as
the few under Henry the Fourth admitted the right of the many to
restrict their liberty of conscience by the statute de hceretico comburendo.
Demi et Demi.
It used to be said that one half the world does not know how the
other half lives. As to the French world of fashion there is much
doubt if this saying holds good any longer, and no question that the
upper half well knows, and that by experience, how the under half
dresses. Please not to copy any longer.
HONOUR TO WHOM HONOUR IS DUE.
Mr. Officer, the Speaker of the House of Assembly of Tasmania,
has been Knighted. It will be generally agreed that he is the proper
officer to receive this distinction.
THE HIGH HORSE AND THE HOBBY-HORSE.
The Cavalry of the English Church Militant consists of the richer
class of parsons ; its dignified clergymen are the Church dragoons ; of
course its bishops are all mounted, and even its archdeacons mostly
roceed to deliver their charges upon chargers. The Curates, as a
ody, constitute the Church infantry, and may be described as the
walking clergy. For the ecclesiastical Foot generally, and those of
their superior officers who cannot well afford to keep horses, the
Church Review suggests that velocipedes “ may become a useful means
of rapid communication.” Very likely; but what the more zealous ol
the divines who form the two leading divisions of the clerioal corps
want much rather is a means of rapid excommunication.
more. Other birds have their eyes open ; Owls are always blinking ;
bat they see when others sleep.
“ I have not met you, Mr. Goosey,” observed Mr. Owl, while
Goosey was irresolutely playing with the pen, “ since you were three
or four years old.”
This reminiscence had in it something tender. It was as much as
Mr. Owl could say safely, and conscientiously, as regarded that
Invisible Presence, his Client.
To remind Goosey" of those days had in it, I say, something of tender
warning. It seemed to say, “ You are younger than I am by a lifetime.
I have known your father all these years. I understand him. You
don’t. Take care.” But the handwriting on the parchment was mere
pot-hooks and hangers to Goosey, and the old Owl’s hint, if hint it
was intended to be, was utterly thrown away. In vain we told him
that of all edged tools a legal instrument was the most dangerous.
“ Bah ! he would trust his father,” he said; and to that sentiment
what could we return ?—nothing.
So Goosey signed away his money, and was happy. Receiving so
much a year, quite a trifle, he was determined to marry, and did ; for
Ida, with all her good sense, was not proof against his enthusiasm.
She could have met argument with argument: affirmative possibilities
with negative probabilities, and could (if occasion had required) have
damped ardour. But Enthusiasm did everything in half-an-hour, even
to buying the ring, and setting off in a cab to swear before a gentleman
at a writing desk (Cupid’s Secretary, pro tern., whom you expect to be
cheerful and radiant, and generally interested in your personal matters,
but he isn’t, and merely asks your name, her name, takes as a matter
of course parents’ consent, pockets a fee, and continues the ordinary
work your entrance has interrupted), and even to enlisting on his side,
the sympathies of such a staid elderly couple as Mr. and Mrs. Dor-
mouse.
Dormouse Senior came out very strongly on this occasion, promising
to lend him his expenses of a “ call” to the Bar, which Goosey was
to repay when he should make a fortune in his profession.
I pass over the wedding, a very quiet one, and the Honeymoon, of
which, of course, I am profoundly ignorant; but when they returned,
and took lodgings in town, we all put our shoulders to their little boat,
and assisted at the launch. And should the barque overturn, could
not a Duck swim, and a Goose too ? So we were confident and hopeful.
Goosey passed an examination, and obtained some honourable dis-
tinction, and therefore Dormouse and Porcupine took him one day to
call upon the Moles, one member of which firm Tom Porcupine was I
going to see on a matter of importance to him, and not of even six-and-
eightpenceworth importance to Mr. Mole Senior, who would give as
much time, care, and attention to a case that could never bring him
in a groat, as he would to one which was to be worth thousands to his
practice.
The Three Moles Solicitors had their offices in one house, were
partners, each one, however, in his own separate and distinct line.
They were Members of some one or other of the Most Ancient People’s
Tribes, and despite all Christian prejudice and tradition to the contrary,
were as kind, as liberal, as charitable, and as generous, both in and out
of their business, as any Gentile, in the same line, that you would ever
come across in a long summer-day’s search, from Holborn Valley to
the end of Queen Street, Lincoln’s-Inn-Bields.
{To be Continued.)
THE SOLDIER’S POOR FEET.
Sir John Ealstapp had a very good reason for objecting to march
through Coventry with his regiment of ragamuffins. Is it possible that
he would, if now in being, have had an objection, still better founded,
to march through Eleet Street the other day with certain companies of
the gallant 98th ? Doubtless, albeit revived in rejuvenescence, as when
he was not an eagle’s talon in the waist, and could have crept into any
alderman’s thumb-ring; when eight yards of uneven ground would
have been, not threescore and ten miles, but a joke with him. The
said 98th had to march from the other side of Staines to the Tower
Wharf, a distance of nearly thirty miles, and by the time they passed
the quarters of Field Marshal Punch, were seen, by a correspondent of
the Times, most of them hobbling. Knocked up even with that loim
march along a level turnpike ? Yes ; as a troop of Spartan infantry would
have been in like case, forced to march all the way, as the 98th were,
in new boots—a forced march truly. The Times sensibly suggests that
now, when it is proposed to employ the leisure time of our soldiers in
some kind of industry, a few shoemakers, who could see where the
military shoe pinches, and put it right, might be attached to every
regiment. At present there appears to be a sad deficiency of respectable
Shoemakers in the ranks of the British Army, whilst, among those
superior persons who are responsibie for the way in which its Foot is
shod, there are some very bungling Snobs. It is all to no purpose that
we talk of improving the condition of the British soldier, and putting
him on a better footing, when every man who knows how badly the
Lobster, as he is vulgarly called, is off for what the vulgar also term
Crabshells, would, on no account, like to be in his shoes.
VERY QUEER EISH.
According to the Hampshire Independent:—-
“ An American contemporary says fish, may be kept alive for ten days or
more without water by filling their mouths with crumbs of bread saturated
with brandy, and pouring a little brandy in their stomachs, after which, in
this torpid state, they may be packed in straw. They become alive in a few
hours when again placed in fresh water.”
And then, one would think, they must be very fresh themselves.
The freshness of the fresh water, however, which refreshes the fish, we
may presume to mean the contrary to vapidness, and not the absence
of salt; though of all the scaly and finny race,
“ Fishes that tipple in the deep,”
should be the most capable of standing spirits, and the least of being
reduced to insensibility by brandy. It may, indeed, be argued that
salt-water fish are apt at times to get half-seas-over, and thus screwed
in some degree, if not to that of being absolutely tight. But this is
the unscrupulous sophistry of an abandoned punster. It is occasionally
said of a bibulous person that he drinks like a fish ; that is, practises
the reverse of total abstinence without being the worse for liquor.
The truth, however, is, even if the above-quoted statement is true,
instead of being simply American, that the only fish who ever get
drunk are fish out of water.
THE CHIEF MAGISTRATE OF CORK.
Under the heading of “ Extraordinary Proceedings at Cork,” the
Globe states that—■
“ On Sunday the Mayor of Cork went to the Bridewell, and discharged
the prisoners confined there.”
Did the Mayor of Cork really talk the treasonable Thuggery that
he is reported to have vented at the Fenian dinner ? Did he counte-
nance the Fenian dinner at all ? Then there is no wonder in his
having gone to the Bridewell, and let all the scoundrels loose. But it
is to be lamented that he went to Bridewell on a Sunday of his own
accord, instead of having been sent there upon a working-day by
lawful authority.
DE POTATORE EXCLUDENDO.
Dr. Manning, the illicit Archbishop of Westminster, advocating a
liquor law, argued at St. James’s Hall, the other evening, the justice of
such a law from “ the admitted right ” of majorities in these days to
impose legislation upon a minority against its will. Oh, Dr. Manning !
No such right is now admitted more than it ever was. The minority
never recognised the right—only submitted to the might. And to-day,
if Dr. Manning and his associates were a majority instead of a minority,
the majority that now is, then reduced to a minority, would as little
admit the right of the greater number to debar it from liquoring up, as
the few under Henry the Fourth admitted the right of the many to
restrict their liberty of conscience by the statute de hceretico comburendo.
Demi et Demi.
It used to be said that one half the world does not know how the
other half lives. As to the French world of fashion there is much
doubt if this saying holds good any longer, and no question that the
upper half well knows, and that by experience, how the under half
dresses. Please not to copy any longer.
HONOUR TO WHOM HONOUR IS DUE.
Mr. Officer, the Speaker of the House of Assembly of Tasmania,
has been Knighted. It will be generally agreed that he is the proper
officer to receive this distinction.
THE HIGH HORSE AND THE HOBBY-HORSE.
The Cavalry of the English Church Militant consists of the richer
class of parsons ; its dignified clergymen are the Church dragoons ; of
course its bishops are all mounted, and even its archdeacons mostly
roceed to deliver their charges upon chargers. The Curates, as a
ody, constitute the Church infantry, and may be described as the
walking clergy. For the ecclesiastical Foot generally, and those of
their superior officers who cannot well afford to keep horses, the
Church Review suggests that velocipedes “ may become a useful means
of rapid communication.” Very likely; but what the more zealous ol
the divines who form the two leading divisions of the clerioal corps
want much rather is a means of rapid excommunication.