DOI issue:
August 29, 1874
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16939#0099
August 29, 1874.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
91
railway drama for august.
(Railway Motto—“ Unpunctuality is the Soul of Business.")
Anxious One is in a Liverpool carriage for Manchester. York is
passed, is put into, is finally left behind, and on we go again.
ACT II.—Kneeds.
ACT I . — In the Northern District. Spaborough Station.
tjrried but Polite
Passenger (to Ticket
Clerk, inside the
office). If you please,
can I book from here
to Olfyswysea in
Wales ?
Model Ticket
Clerk (sulkily).
No.
Anxious One (ra-
ther bothered). 0!
(He had made out,
by the help of two
friends.several pieces
of paper, a day's
study of ‘ ‘ Brad-
shaw ” and Local
Bailway Guides,
that he could be
booked through. He
is inclined to argue
the point.) But this
train goes through
to Kester, and to
Glfyswysea from
Kester ?
[Model Ticket Clerk is silent, with a sort of “ take it or leave it” air.
Anxious One. Well, then (making the best of it), can you book me
to Kester?
Model Ticket Clerk (carelessly). Yes. (In a tone that implies
I'm not going myself, and, therefore, whatever you do doesn't matter
a dump to me.)
Anxious One (brightening up, and thankful for small mercies).
Ah, well, then (as if he were going to ask for a sandwich and a glass
of something), I ’ll take some—I mean I ’ll take a ticket for Kester.
Model Ticket Clerk (surlily). One pound nine.
Anxious and Polite One (paying with alacrity, in order to show
that “business is business," and that he is not gossiping idly). There
—and tell me, please, do I change at Manchester ?
Model Ticket Clerk (with utter indifference). If you stop at Man-
chester.
Anxious One (a little startled, as all his calculations have been based
on this). But surely we stop at Manchester three-quarters of an hour
in time to get some dinner r
Model Ticket Clerk (as if all this were new to him). Ah! not so
long as that.
Anxious One. But I-
[Decides to tip some one outside on the platform and get the
information from him.
Enter Anxious Traveller on Platform. He puts his hand craftily
into his waistcoat pocket, as though in search of money, and
summons Porter, who comes up willingly.
Anxious Traveller. Is there a carriage through to Kester ?
[Shows his ticket.
Porter (appears to be unable to believe his eyes on seeing a ticket
from Spaborough to Kester). No, Sir, I don’t think—(suddenly)—
I ’ll ask the Superintendent.
A very Splendid Person, in a Uniform.
Splendid Person (who, on being consulted, listens to the Porter and
the Anxious Traveller as though he were a Judge hearing arguments
in a difficult cause). Hum—(scratches his nose with a key, and then
gets an idea.) If you’ll walk this way—(to Anxious One)—we can
see—on the time-table ! ! !
Anxious One (not wishing to waste precious moments). 0! I’ve
done all that. (Positively)—I know this train goes to Manchester,
and I’m booked through to Kester.
[The Splendid Creature, having no more to say on the subject,
walks off.
Porter (with some information). There’s only one carriage on for
L’pool, hut they ’ll tell you at Kneeds.
Anxious One (to whom this is a new light). 0! Then we stop at
Kneeds ?
Porter. Yes, Sir. They ’ll tell you there, and you’ll perhaps get
a carriage right on to Kester. (Mysteriously, and betraying evident
suspicion of the train's uncertainty as to any particular destination.)
You’d better have all your luggage in with you.
Porter is tipped, and Train starts. End of Act I.
Anxious One's head (out of window). Here! hi! Porter! (Waist-
coat pocket again.) I’ve got some luggage here, and I want to go
through to Manchester for Kester.
Porter (surprised). By Manchester, Sir? You’d better go by
Screw.
Anxious One (objecting distrustfully, and beginning to anathematise
the surly Model Clerk at Spaborough). But they told me it was
Manchester.
Porter (cheerfully). 0, that don’t matter, Sir. The train will be
up for Screw soon. It’s generally late.
Anxious One (is satisfied that he has got hold of an intelligent
Porter, and wishes to obtain full information). Where does it start ?
(The Porter indicates the place.) When ?
Intelligent Porter. Well, it ought to go now.
Anxious One (thinking of an important point). Will there he time
to get something to eat ?
Intelligent Porter (uncertainly). Well, there may he four minutes
—but you ’ll have lots of time at Screw.
Anxious One (decidedly). Tben I ’ll dine at Screw.
[Feels happy, and looks forward to dining at Screw.
A Train, about half an hour late, arrives. Anxious One finds out
that he would have had plenty of time to have fed at Kneeds. The
Intelligent Porter labels the luggage for Kester, and the Anxious
One sees them into the Yan. Tip the Second. Off. End of Act II.
ACT III.—Screw Junction.
Various Officials, Porters, fyc., about, chatting. They don't seem to
notice that a train is coming in. Evidently they are so accus-
tomed to so common an occurrence that they have ceased to regard
it as anything specially concerning them.
Anxious One (more anxious than ever). Here! Hi! Porter!
(No attention whatever.) Por-ter ! Here ! hi! (Some people get
out of the train and disappear. Anxious One decides on doing the
same, only without disappearing. He descends with portable and
personal luggage, and looks about for some one of whom to ask for
information. Sees an Official walking towards him, and addresses
him.) I change here for Kester ?
[ Official nods lightly, calls out to a friend in the distance, and
walks on. Anxious One approaches a Porter and a sort of
Policeman chatting.
Anxious Traveller. Where’s the train for Kester ?
[Porter and Policeman continue conversation.
Anxious One (in a tone intended to command attention). Where is
the train for Kester ?
Porter (as if waking from a beautiful dream). T’other side.
[Exit Porter, jumping down one side of the platform. Exit
Policeman, jumping doicn the other. They cross lines in
opposite directions, and vanish.
Anxious One (alone with bags). I wonder where- Confound
it, it’s too bad.
Porter with truck appears. To him another Porter. They unlade
small quantity of luggage, and Anxious One again sees his
luggage labelled “ Kester."
Porter (answering question). Yes; goin’ to take it ’cross t’other
side for Kester train. You (to Anxious One) go out at that end and
round to t’other side.
Anxious One carries out these directions exactly. He re-appears
t'other side on a new platform.
Anxious One (to elderly and important-looking Official). This side
is for Kester ?
[Important Old Official, as if he didn't want to be bothered about
such trifles, merely nods abruptly.
Anxious One. When does it start ?
Important OM Official. Don’t know. T’ought to ha’ gone now.
Anxious One (excitedly). Ought to have gone! But I’m booked
through to Kester ; ana I was told to come by Screw Junction to
catch the train here, and we’d have a long time to wait, so that
(plaintively) I could get something to eat.
Important Old Official (quite a “ Dogberry," and untouched by the
famished Traveller). Well, you’re late, you see; and the Kester
train ought to ha’ been off four minutes ago. (To Porter passing.)
Is the Kester train out ?
[Anxious One hangs on Porter's answer.
Porter. No; she’s shoonted.
[Important Old Official walks on.
Anxious One (to Porter). Will we have long to wait ?
[Hopes the answer will be half an hour, and foresees something
like dinner.
Porter (evasively). She’ll be off d’reckly she’s oop. (Continues,
after looking down the line)—An’ t’won’t be long afore she be oop.
Tbe remainder af the drama is briefly told. From first to last,
91
railway drama for august.
(Railway Motto—“ Unpunctuality is the Soul of Business.")
Anxious One is in a Liverpool carriage for Manchester. York is
passed, is put into, is finally left behind, and on we go again.
ACT II.—Kneeds.
ACT I . — In the Northern District. Spaborough Station.
tjrried but Polite
Passenger (to Ticket
Clerk, inside the
office). If you please,
can I book from here
to Olfyswysea in
Wales ?
Model Ticket
Clerk (sulkily).
No.
Anxious One (ra-
ther bothered). 0!
(He had made out,
by the help of two
friends.several pieces
of paper, a day's
study of ‘ ‘ Brad-
shaw ” and Local
Bailway Guides,
that he could be
booked through. He
is inclined to argue
the point.) But this
train goes through
to Kester, and to
Glfyswysea from
Kester ?
[Model Ticket Clerk is silent, with a sort of “ take it or leave it” air.
Anxious One. Well, then (making the best of it), can you book me
to Kester?
Model Ticket Clerk (carelessly). Yes. (In a tone that implies
I'm not going myself, and, therefore, whatever you do doesn't matter
a dump to me.)
Anxious One (brightening up, and thankful for small mercies).
Ah, well, then (as if he were going to ask for a sandwich and a glass
of something), I ’ll take some—I mean I ’ll take a ticket for Kester.
Model Ticket Clerk (surlily). One pound nine.
Anxious and Polite One (paying with alacrity, in order to show
that “business is business," and that he is not gossiping idly). There
—and tell me, please, do I change at Manchester ?
Model Ticket Clerk (with utter indifference). If you stop at Man-
chester.
Anxious One (a little startled, as all his calculations have been based
on this). But surely we stop at Manchester three-quarters of an hour
in time to get some dinner r
Model Ticket Clerk (as if all this were new to him). Ah! not so
long as that.
Anxious One. But I-
[Decides to tip some one outside on the platform and get the
information from him.
Enter Anxious Traveller on Platform. He puts his hand craftily
into his waistcoat pocket, as though in search of money, and
summons Porter, who comes up willingly.
Anxious Traveller. Is there a carriage through to Kester ?
[Shows his ticket.
Porter (appears to be unable to believe his eyes on seeing a ticket
from Spaborough to Kester). No, Sir, I don’t think—(suddenly)—
I ’ll ask the Superintendent.
A very Splendid Person, in a Uniform.
Splendid Person (who, on being consulted, listens to the Porter and
the Anxious Traveller as though he were a Judge hearing arguments
in a difficult cause). Hum—(scratches his nose with a key, and then
gets an idea.) If you’ll walk this way—(to Anxious One)—we can
see—on the time-table ! ! !
Anxious One (not wishing to waste precious moments). 0! I’ve
done all that. (Positively)—I know this train goes to Manchester,
and I’m booked through to Kester.
[The Splendid Creature, having no more to say on the subject,
walks off.
Porter (with some information). There’s only one carriage on for
L’pool, hut they ’ll tell you at Kneeds.
Anxious One (to whom this is a new light). 0! Then we stop at
Kneeds ?
Porter. Yes, Sir. They ’ll tell you there, and you’ll perhaps get
a carriage right on to Kester. (Mysteriously, and betraying evident
suspicion of the train's uncertainty as to any particular destination.)
You’d better have all your luggage in with you.
Porter is tipped, and Train starts. End of Act I.
Anxious One's head (out of window). Here! hi! Porter! (Waist-
coat pocket again.) I’ve got some luggage here, and I want to go
through to Manchester for Kester.
Porter (surprised). By Manchester, Sir? You’d better go by
Screw.
Anxious One (objecting distrustfully, and beginning to anathematise
the surly Model Clerk at Spaborough). But they told me it was
Manchester.
Porter (cheerfully). 0, that don’t matter, Sir. The train will be
up for Screw soon. It’s generally late.
Anxious One (is satisfied that he has got hold of an intelligent
Porter, and wishes to obtain full information). Where does it start ?
(The Porter indicates the place.) When ?
Intelligent Porter. Well, it ought to go now.
Anxious One (thinking of an important point). Will there he time
to get something to eat ?
Intelligent Porter (uncertainly). Well, there may he four minutes
—but you ’ll have lots of time at Screw.
Anxious One (decidedly). Tben I ’ll dine at Screw.
[Feels happy, and looks forward to dining at Screw.
A Train, about half an hour late, arrives. Anxious One finds out
that he would have had plenty of time to have fed at Kneeds. The
Intelligent Porter labels the luggage for Kester, and the Anxious
One sees them into the Yan. Tip the Second. Off. End of Act II.
ACT III.—Screw Junction.
Various Officials, Porters, fyc., about, chatting. They don't seem to
notice that a train is coming in. Evidently they are so accus-
tomed to so common an occurrence that they have ceased to regard
it as anything specially concerning them.
Anxious One (more anxious than ever). Here! Hi! Porter!
(No attention whatever.) Por-ter ! Here ! hi! (Some people get
out of the train and disappear. Anxious One decides on doing the
same, only without disappearing. He descends with portable and
personal luggage, and looks about for some one of whom to ask for
information. Sees an Official walking towards him, and addresses
him.) I change here for Kester ?
[ Official nods lightly, calls out to a friend in the distance, and
walks on. Anxious One approaches a Porter and a sort of
Policeman chatting.
Anxious Traveller. Where’s the train for Kester ?
[Porter and Policeman continue conversation.
Anxious One (in a tone intended to command attention). Where is
the train for Kester ?
Porter (as if waking from a beautiful dream). T’other side.
[Exit Porter, jumping down one side of the platform. Exit
Policeman, jumping doicn the other. They cross lines in
opposite directions, and vanish.
Anxious One (alone with bags). I wonder where- Confound
it, it’s too bad.
Porter with truck appears. To him another Porter. They unlade
small quantity of luggage, and Anxious One again sees his
luggage labelled “ Kester."
Porter (answering question). Yes; goin’ to take it ’cross t’other
side for Kester train. You (to Anxious One) go out at that end and
round to t’other side.
Anxious One carries out these directions exactly. He re-appears
t'other side on a new platform.
Anxious One (to elderly and important-looking Official). This side
is for Kester ?
[Important Old Official, as if he didn't want to be bothered about
such trifles, merely nods abruptly.
Anxious One. When does it start ?
Important OM Official. Don’t know. T’ought to ha’ gone now.
Anxious One (excitedly). Ought to have gone! But I’m booked
through to Kester ; ana I was told to come by Screw Junction to
catch the train here, and we’d have a long time to wait, so that
(plaintively) I could get something to eat.
Important Old Official (quite a “ Dogberry," and untouched by the
famished Traveller). Well, you’re late, you see; and the Kester
train ought to ha’ been off four minutes ago. (To Porter passing.)
Is the Kester train out ?
[Anxious One hangs on Porter's answer.
Porter. No; she’s shoonted.
[Important Old Official walks on.
Anxious One (to Porter). Will we have long to wait ?
[Hopes the answer will be half an hour, and foresees something
like dinner.
Porter (evasively). She’ll be off d’reckly she’s oop. (Continues,
after looking down the line)—An’ t’won’t be long afore she be oop.
Tbe remainder af the drama is briefly told. From first to last,