Punch (67.1874)

August 29, 1874.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

91

railway drama for august.

(Railway Motto—“ Unpunctuality is the Soul of Business”)

Anxious One is in a Liverpool carriage for Manchester. York is
passed, is put into, is finally left behind, and on we go again.

ACT II.—Kneeds.


ACT I .—In the Northern District. Spahorough Station.

urried hut Polite
Passenger {to Ticket
Clerk, inside the
office). If you please,
can I book from here
to G-lfyswysea in
Wales ?

Model Ticket

Clerk {sulkily).

No.

Anxious One (ra-
ther bothered). 0!
{He had made out,
by the help of two
friends, several pieces
of paper, a day's
study of “Brad-
shaw ” and Local
Bailway Guides,
that he could be
booked through. He
is inclined to argue
the point.) But this
train goes through
to Kester, and to
G-lfyswysea from
Kester ?

[Model Ticket Clerk is silent, withasort of “ take it or leave it ” air.
Anxious One. Well, then {making the best of it), can you hook me
to Kester?

Model Ticket Clerk {carelessly). Yes. {In a tone that implies
I'm not going myself, and, therefore, whatever YOU do doesn't matter
a dump to me.)

Anxious One m'«/i ./« gnd thankful for small mercies).

Ah, well, then = glass

of something), J =_ k\1 I W A ster.

Model Ticket — (2

Anxious and ^ (S*** show

that “ business = There

—and tell me, — vJi

Model Tickei -j ^ Man-
chester. -

&

%

Anxious Oni —

— o

Enter xinxioui
into his u
summons L

= 05

o

Anxious Tn —

Porter {appj
from Spaborou
I ’ll ask the St

Splendid Pe
the Anxious 1
in a difficult ct
gets an idea.)
see—on the tin
Anxious On
done all that,
and I’m book

r rm, „ c<„/„

— 00

= s

= CO

— LO

I CD

P oa

CD

— CO

suspicion of ti
You’d better
Port

=r O

— CM

CD

= E

CD

(D

co

CD

CM

CD

CD

based

l hour

I not so

I let the

'aftily
', and

| let.

ticket
I nly)—

I

Yer and
I iments
then
re can

! I’ve
lester,

ubject,

on for

(top at

ips get
evident
nation.)

Anxious One's head {out of window). Here! hi! Porter! {Waist-
coat pocket again.) I’ve got some luggage here, and I want to go
through to Manchester for Kester.

Porter {surprised). By Manchester, Sir? You’d better go by
Screw.

Anxious One {objecting distrustfully, and beginning to anathematise
the surly Model Clerk at Spaborough). But they told me it was
Manchester.

Porter {cheerfully). 0, that don’t matter, Sir. The train will be
up for Screw soon. It’s generally late.

Anxious One {is satisfied that he has got hold of an intelligent
Porter, and wishes to obtain full information). Where does it start ?
(The Porter indicates the place.) When ?

Intelligent Porter. Well, it ought to go now.

Anxious One {thinking of an important point). Will there be time
to get something to eat ?

Intelligent Porter {uncertainly). Well, there may be four minutes
—but you ’ll have lots of time at Screw.

Anxious One {decidedly). Then I’ll dine at Screw.

\_Feels happy, and looks forward to dining at Screw.

A Train, about half an hour late, arrives. Anxious One finds out
that he would have had plenty of time to have fed at Kneeds. The
Intelligent Porter labels the luggage for Kester, and the Anxious
One sees them into the Van. Tip the Second. Off. End of Act II.

ACT III.—Screw Junction.

Various Officials, Porters, fc., about, chatting. They don't seem to
notice that a train is coming in. Evidently they are so accus-
tomed to so common an occurrence that they have ceased to regard
it as anything specially concerning them.

Anxious One {more anxious than ever). Here! Hi! Porter!
{No attention whatever.) Por-ter! Here! hi! {Some people get
out of the train and disappear. Anxious One decides on doing the
same, only without disappearing. He descends with portable and
personal luggage, and looks about for some one of whom to ask for
information. Sees an Official walking towards him, and addresses
him.) I change here for Kester ?

[ Official nods lightly, calls out to a friend in the distance, and
walks on. Anxious One approaches a Porter and a sort of
Policeman chatting.

Anxious Traveller. Where’s the train for Kester ?

[Porter and Policeman continue conversation.

Anxious One {in a tone intended to command attention). Where is
the train for Kester ?

Porter {as if waking from a beautiful dream). T’other side.

[Exit Porter, jumping down one side of the platform. Exit
Policeman, jumping down the other. They cross lines in
opposite directions, and vanish.

Anxious One {alone with bags). I wonder where- Confound

it, it’s too bad.

Porter with truck appears. To him another Porter. They unlade
small quantity of luggage, and Anxious One again sees his
luggage labelled “ Kester.”

Porter {answering question). Yes; goin’ to take it ’cross t’other
side for Kester train. You {to Anxious One) go out at that end and
round to t’other side.

Anxious One carries out these directions exactly. He re-appears
t'other side on a new platform.

Anxious One {to elderly and important-looking Official). This side
is for Kester ?

[Important Old Official, as if he didn't want to be bothered about
such trifles, merely nods abruptly.

Anxious One. When does it start ?

Important Old Official. Don’t know. T’ought to ha’ gone now.

Anxious One {excitedly). Ought to have gone! But I’m booked
through to Kester ; and. I was told to come by Screw Junction to
catch the train here, and we’d have a long time to wait, so that
{plaintively) I could get something to eat.

Important Old Official {quite a “ Dogberryand untouched by the
famished Traveller). Well, you’re late, you see; and the Kester
train ought to ha’ been off four minutes ago. {To Porter passing.)
Is the Kester train out ?

[Anxious One hangs on Porter's answer.

Porter. No ; she’s shoonted.

[Important Old Official walks on.

Anxious One {to Porter). Will we have long to wait ?

[Hopes the answer will be half an hour, and foresees something
like dinner.

Porter {evasively). She’ll be off d’reckly she’s oop. {Continues,
after looking down the line)—An’t’won’t be long afore she be oop.

The remainder qf the drama is briefly told. From first to last,